tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73629992011-09-09T02:07:05.614+08:00Uncle Minghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07134888211943367619noreply@blogger.comBlogger1001100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7362999.post-1122838804779001062005-08-01T02:44:00.000+08:002006-01-13T23:52:39.886+08:00<span style="font-size:0;">¤ Prologue ¤ </span><br /><br />Day I<br />01 August 2005<br /><br />Time: 1532 hrs 30th July 2005<br />Bao bao... I resting nw leh. Juz ate my my maggie... 10mins i call u at hm hor. Go find sumthing 2 eat 1st u hungry bunz.<br /><br />Time: 0325 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Juz nw slept 2 much. nw can't slp... U drifting 2 dreamland?<br /><br />Time: 0328 hrs 31st July 2005<br />?? Exercise? U want me 2 call u? If u wan msg me lah, i go bian bian nw =p<br /><br />Time: 1411 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Juz brush teeth... Hehe so fast u msg le...<br /><br />Time: 1555 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Wru nw... Dun angry le lah.<br /><br />Time: 1938 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Bb... Sorry had 2 leave early. Yup my back is painful from e mopping yesterday.. Tues i acc u 4 another orchard trip. Thx, i njoyed myself 2dae =)<br /><br />Time: 1944 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Bb,u angry me huh? Hop unto bus le mah?<br /><br />Time: 1953 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Bao bao,i made u sad huh? Or u angry wif me?<br /><br />Time: 1957 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Go ah ma's hse, take e 'back pain' panadol n pass them $ fr my mum...U want me 2 call u using e house phone?<br /><br />Time: 2008 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Take liao rest there awhile if itz nt noisy... Haiz dun sad lah...I acc u out u oso sad, nvr u oso sad...Aiyo all my fault lah.<br /><br />Time: 2030 hrs 31st July 2005<br />Bao bao i noe u care... Thx 4 e day. Dun nid 2 reply. Take care on d way hm.. I'll get hm safely..<br /><br />Time: 0028 hrs 01st Aug 2005<br />U safely hm le mah?<br /><br />Time: 0047 hrs 01 Aug 2005<br />Wru? U alrite mah?<br /><br />Time: 0411 hrs 01 Aug 2005<br />R u safely home?? Please... If not juz let me noe where u are.<br /><br />Time: 0440 hrs 01 Aug 2005<br />Yes i m a liar... Dun vent ur anger on alcohol n ur health. Vent it on me.. I noe i m nobody 2b tokin 2u,but thx 4 letting me noe u r safely hm..Sorry<br /><br />.............................................................................................<br />Met DD at CSC today... planned alot of programme today...but in the end, they never get fulfilled anyway...<br />She was more than half an hour late than the said time... 3:15pm<br />Anyway, we walked and i bought my things... she looked kinda bored as she accompanied me walked through the shops... anyway its the last day that she did it anyway...<br />Yup, after that we walked to the MRT at Raffles Place and took the MRT to douby gaut to collect my eHobby Maginficus... after that we had the Rochor's Dao Huay... After that we walkedto take a bus down to Orchard to shop... She went on a temper...asking where we're going. And went crazy cause i keep talking about dirty things and about men staring at her...<br />Anyway we took #106 and walked to Forum for Genki Sushi... I touched her finger when she was reading the menu and she jerked her hand away...<br />As i thought... a ger with a bf liao than will mind another guy touching her... then i asked if she had a bf. She told me " No ah..." With her eyes wide wide open...<br />Yar...after we ate. We walked to Orchard... thought that we could start shopping for her sweater... but in the end... she told me she's heading back home. Not letting me sent her home as usual...<br />But in the end i still ended up at Tanjong Pagar... According to the msg above, she was going to her ah-ma's hse... a lie again as usual... she called me and told me she was at Ajunied meeting her mum for money again... yar... a lie... after she herself told me whether if she wants me to have her call me using her ah-ma's phone... and i told her to call...in the end... she didn't cause she was not at home... Said she was at Ajunied meeting her mum... Told me not to drink so much when i'm alone... and with her...<br />Asked me why i keep drinking...<br />Why ask me?<br />Don't you know?<br /><br />Liar... yup... think she've gotten used to lying to me le... enjoying very moment of it...<br />This day... 01 August 2005 (01082005) Time: 0020/0022 hrs...<br />My predictions came true... how i wished i was wrong... but it was not to be... the truth was right in front of me... yet... she asked if i was home le mah... how damn ironic...<br />Even till the last minute when she saw me... she had to lie...<br />Yup, guessed i've lost every single trust i had in her... even the minimum last trust...<br />Althought i finally get to know the truth...but can i handle it?<br />Why did she resist to tell me the truth even until the very last moment?<br />Everything is gone...<br />I only wanted to know the truth. Is it so hard to tell the truth?<br />What happens when love turns to hate?<br />I trusted you so much...<br />But... everything becomes a reality now...<br />How i hate to be correct this time...<br />She missed called me 8-9 times... with her home phone as well as her hp...<br />What the hell do she want with me?<br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>"Its not that i dun believe her or i dun believe her... its she herself who betrayed herself... i've never not trust her... but its her whose been lying all this time."</em></strong><br /><br />Yar... be it her back pain, her taking of money from her mum at Kallang Station... which one of this is true...<br />You've planned this all along... yet you lied to me with your words...<br />Why?<br />Why? Why am i correct?<br />Is it that you take pity on me, that's why you want to make me let go slowly?<br />She kissed me before she went off at Orchard MRT... lies... all lies...<br />Why?<br />Damn it why?<br />Why can't you f**king tell me the truth?<br />I should have confronted you and whacked him to a cripple...<br />I'm so disappointed in you...<br />Our 8 months doesn't mean a single damn thing to you...<br />Every piece of my heart is finally broken into shards...<br />I hoped you're happy now...<br />Happy...<br />Junior and botak___gui will have a new dad...<br />That's the end of everything...<br />I hoped i was wrong...<br />I really hope so...<br />That's the end...<br />The last straw...<br />I was wrong to put all my trust in you...<br />Are all gers like that?<br />F**k everything...<br />F**k all of you...<br />To think that i agree with you when Joyve broke up with Daniel...<br />In the end...<br />...<br />Guess the 8 months didn't meant anything in the end...<br />Why?<br />F**k...<br />To think that you said so much blank talk about going back to Bangkok...<br />Going to studies and do the things you want?<br />Is this what you want?<br />Why can't you just tell me?<br />Why all the lies?<br />Yet you blame/accused me of not believing in you...<br />Is this what i get in return?<br />Just what the F**king hell is wrong with you people these days?<br />...............................................<br />You gonna say sorry now?<br />Is that all you can say?<br />With another...<br />f**king hell...<br />I believed your tears were real...<br />that your words were true...<br />that you "HAD" a place reserved in your heart...<br />Yar... let the f**king time tell the depth of love you HAD for me...<br />talking is cheap...<br />yar... how f**king cheap it is...<br />i really hate myself for loving you so whole heartedly...<br />Believing you all this time and trusting you...<br />Is this what i get in return?<br />Yar... you won't find another bf during these 2 years...<br />..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................<br />Is this how you hoped it to end?<br />Pitiying me hoping that i would let go in this two years?<br />Be so stoopid as to dun know what the hell is going on?<br />Is this to your liking?<br />Are you happy now?<br />The truth really is hard to handle...<br />But at least... i know the truth...<br />And am not being deceived all these while...<br />I'm really disappointed in trusting you all these while...<br />Haiz...<br />Yet you blame me and stressed me all these time making it seem like it was my fault...<br />.........................................................................................................................................................<br />What do you want actually?<br />Why?<br />Damn...<br />............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................<br />The tears when we broke?<br />How long has it been only?<br />A place reserved?<br />........................................................................................<br />What is true anymore?<br />I guessed nothing is true...<br />I'll never forget the sight that i've seen...<br />You're not much different from Daniel too...<br />Maybe that's why you approved his testimonial too...<br />Anything more to say?<br />........Guessed nothing more le...<br />Its a F**king life...<br />.............Yup... its the 1st...... one more day to the 2nd of August... and you know what day is the 2nd?<br />Just another f**king day...<br />Oh...by the way..she kissed me before she went to take the MRt...<br />I took another train bahz...but think its about the same time when she went down to wait...<br />And she told me on the phone that i dun have to take another train...if i wanted to send her home i could've said so...<br />she make it feel like i'm pushing her to the wall...dunno what she want me to do...<br />As if...<br />Haiz...<br />What a f**king day...<br />All my predictions have came true... Why the f**king... why...<br />Why am i so accurate in annalysing?<br />F**k<br />CB...<br />..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................<br />Drank about 7 Tigers tonite... just tonite...<br />Back home drinking my Guiness Stout...<br />Die drinking today...<br />Tomorrow work morning...<br />F**k it...<br /><br />...Late for work... slept at 5+ woke up at 9...<br /><br />Missed call 4 times...<br />Caused i called her for whoever knows what reason...<br />To wake her up?<br /><br />Time: 0350 hrs 01st Aug 2005<br />Where are you??<br /><br />F**king thing to know in the new month...<br />A national day month somemore...<br />Another one month to go till 020905...<br />What the F**k...<br /><br />She's worried? Yeah... right...<br />If only she knew...<br />Yar... only i knew... how much F**king happiness i brought to her life...<br />And i hope honestly she knew how much F**king happiness she brought to my life too...<br />I would never ever forget that scene...<br />Never...<br />Close my eyes also see that F**king scene...<br />F**k...<br />Does she think that i'm outside?<br />Or is she still bluffing me...<br />Or just acting blur?<br />What the F**k...<br />She know...<br />But yet...<br />She asked me where i am...<br />Can't sleep with the F**king scene in my head...<br />In my mind...<br />Going crazy...<br />...........<br />Mad.....<br />Insane...<br />F**k everything...<br />Somebody just kill me...<br />My heart is broken without cure...<br />"I'll wait for you..." she says... when i said that what happens in 2 yrs time when i got stead...and dun want a patch..or some F**k...<br />Yar... words are all said just to be said...<br />I should have known it...<br />F**k it...<br />F**k all the memories and words we've said...<br />I meant all i've said...<br />But does she?<br />....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................<br />........Haiz... nothing more...<br />There's no such thing as love in this world...<br />Everything is ruin...<br /><br />To the Anonymous: Follow my heart and whacked people into a pulp? Or follow my heart and do the leap?<br /><br />It doesn't pay to be kind. What's there to be answered anyway...<br />A f**king lying world we live in...<br /><br /><br /><br />Day Ib<br />01 August 2005<br /><br />Ok. Enough of the vulgarities...<br />Mind was abit messed up by the alcohol bahz...<br />Now comes the hard part...<br />Overcoming all the pain...<br />I know alcohol is not the solution...<br />But... its my milk at night before i sleep...<br />The pain is really unbearable...<br />More painful than a cold knife slicing through your wrist...<br />My heart aches so much...<br />Everytime i close my eyes...<br />The scene appears on my mind...<br />Even in the day...<br />I'll never forget that...<br />Losing sleep is one thing...<br />Being late for work is yet another thing...<br />Quitting my job and dwelling on what i've saw is yet another...<br />The pain is killing me inside out...<br />I really wanna end it all...<br />But... i can't...<br />Not now...<br />Still gotta take care of my parents when they're old...<br />Still gonna try to survive...<br />After that, then i can end my life...<br />I know how it feels to be treated selfishly...<br />But... Why?<br />Why? How long has it been? How far has it gone?<br />Are all your words to me just "Fu Yan"?<br />Your tears unreal?<br />Its only been 2 months only, for goodness sake... not even ...<br />Let alone a year or two...<br />Yar... lie cause you care... (told by fren)<br />Yes...<br />I can't let go...<br />I really can't...<br />I can't...<br />I don't want to...<br />Why must so many things happen one after another?<br />Is it caused we went to read our fortunes?<br />Everything is so different in a turn of an eye...<br />I can't help the sorrowness... do you even have an idea?<br />Of knowing that we could never be together again in this lifetime...<br />Other people may still stand a chance playing with fate...<br />But... too much have happen between us...<br />Yar, face reality although they're so hurting?<br />Keep her as the sweetest memories and walked on with life...?<br />I replied my fren with i cannot live with just memories...<br />My mind will kill me...<br />Will a person die of a broken heart?<br />How...<br />I will still walk on and work... continue to work...<br />Just because of my family... My collegue reminded me today...<br />But the rest of my body, mind and heart are broken...<br />My mind may just breakdown anytime...<br />My heart may stopped anytime...<br />But i'll get insurance as soon as possible...<br />Going to the gym, meeting her mum, staying at home because she's sick or back pain...<br />Which are lies and which are the truth...<br />Does it matter now?<br />Deep deep deep down... i appreciate your effort in lying to me, which may or may not mean that you still care... As a stranger to a disabled. I believe that is called pity.<br />But i still prefer the truth...Although i may not be able to handle the truth...<br />But at least... i can die knowing what is happening...<br />...<br />I chose this path myself... I will stick to it even if it tears me apart...<br />Follow your heart... And be happy...<br />...I don't blame you...Just feeling that i'm an idiot...<br />I'm a f**ker myself... sorry for the vulgarities again... there's no other word i can replaced it with...<br />That's why you ran off with another guy/u chose another guy...<br />At least... in the end... you listened to me...<br />Still remembered the things you said about daniel... about not having this type of thing to happen... or ... haiz...<br />But...i know you can't control love...<br />I really don't wanna 胡思乱想 about you two... but i can't... no matter what i'm doing... i will still blank off...thinking... about the scene and... what happens...<br />Maybe i give you the impression that i'm too serious... or that i'm bad at other stuffs as a bf bahz...<br />Don't worry about me drinking or smoking... Its not worth your time worrying, even if its one second...<br />I will live to see you be happy... That... i try...<br />Promise me one last thing... follow your own heart... choose wisely... control your temper... i know that i'm naggy... but this is the last time... let me nag for the last time...<br />No tears... Be happy with him... ... ... And... don't worry about me anymore...<br />I will deal with life... with death... with the words i've said and you've said... deal with the pain... the sorrow... the misery... and the sadness ...Alone...<br />...........................................................................................How much i wished this wouldn't have happen... But... like Anonymous said... i just want to believe i have hope... when you... Deardear know i have none...<br />I really believed your words outside 7-11...<br />I know... you won't tell me how you really feel...<br />Because you put yourself in my shoes and you dun want the truth to hurt me...<br />Well, i've known almost everything le... Strike me when i'm down... please...<br />Its not hurting... its not... ... ...<br />Why...<br />I still dun understand...<br />I still can't believe i saw what i wanted to see...<br />But... i'm not happy...<br />..............................................................<br />I really will go mad...<br />paused just now for a split second or so...<br />recalling what i saw...<br />...<br />I will survive...<br />Only way rather to die is to bury myself... that will make time go faster...<br />But i doubt that will work... cause as long as i have a split second to think... i will think of that scene...<br />Of them together...<br />Argh...<br />What to do? ........<br />..............................<br />Stop thinking...<br />Please...<br />Please dun pause to think anymore...<br />Continue typing...<br />Letting go really is hard...<br />She's still in my heart...<br />...eh...wrong...not there... somewhere else...<br />Why...<br />Why...<br />The parking lot in my heart still has her name carved on it...<br />Why have it come down to this?<br />Will things change?<br />Can they?<br />.....thinking about them again...<br />think she's out...<br />Ok... stop thinking...<br />Where will they be and what will they be doing?<br />...................<br />I really don't wanna think anymore...<br />:,( its making me crazy...<br />but i can't stopped thinking...<br />......heart starting to cramp again...<br />Please let me die... please...<br />Why didn't i buy insurance?<br />Why can't i just die?<br />.......<br />Please dun think liaoz...<br />How not to think?<br />AAAAAAAAAAHh.....................<br />I should have killed him ... then killed myself... at least...she will hate me forever...<br />Lucky... someone was with me...<br />Why?<br />I'm really green in the game of love bahz...<br />Not as expert as the gers...<br />Playing the gamble of everything and the lying games...<br />My heart is old, beat... and broken...<br />Nothing can break or pound it even powderier...<br />There's no way to mend it... There is... but it doesn't exist in this lifetime...<br /><br /><strong><em>"The ger whom i love the most, whom i was in a relationship closest to a real relationship, is the ger who hurt me the most... broke my heart... practically destroyed it..."</em></strong><br /><br />Just received Time: 2300 hrs 01 Aug 2005<br />Can i go look 4u...<br /><br />Time: 2336 hrs 01 Aug 2005<br />U can choose nt 2 believe me but i m really worried... U drinking somewhere is it?<br /><br />Time: 2349 hrs 01 Aug 2005<br />Worried...Dun drink so much, dun hurt ur health.<br /><br />......What health is there to start with... Something came up my mind... Thought... about how ...how she met him...yup... Why... but it really doesn't matter even if i know... what they did...how long they started... how she met...why she chose...<br />Haiz...<br />I can only stopped thinking temporarily if i drink... dun worry ... please dun... i'm not worht it.... i'm not anybody...<br />It is time like this previously that i would ask eventually, "have you ever loved me?" but i won't ask... it doesn't matter...<br />The past doesn't matter... only the present counts...<br />Haiz...<br />There's no more present ...<br />Why?<br />I just can't understand...<br />Why?<br />Its just been 2 months...<br />Why?<br />There's nothing more that can happen to make me feel anyway better le...<br />no....dun think...<br />please dun...<br />dun think anymore...<br />there's nothing you can do...<br />she doesn't love you anymore...<br />she love someone else le...<br />.................................this is not helping...<br />Everything's over...<br />The things we believed in, the things we said...<br />Doesn't mean anything now le...<br />Why?<br />Why have .... why did this happen?<br />Love cannot be controlled?<br />.......................<br />No more of this torture...<br />Gonna go gulp down my two cans of Guiness and go to sleep...<br />She never replied my msg also... Anyway i replied that if you're in the area then come down bahz...<br />She won't...<br />Unless she's at his place...<br />Haiz...<br />So what if she came down....<br />She's just worried that i would die and she would be guilty?<br />I really don't know what to do le...<br />Everything that could have happened have happened...<br />I couldn't possibly hope that she'll say that she still love me...<br />Cause she don't...<br />She's in love with someone else...<br />..................<br />Ok...<br /><br />Time: 0009 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />If u are willing to c me den i'll take a cab down...<br /><br />Replied msg: ...y do u still wana c me... if u let me send u hm later..then cm bahz..<br /><br />Time: 0014 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />R u going to work tmr? Am i disturbing ur slp if u send me home later?<br /><br />Replied msg: Yar working.. nt disrupting.. make up ur mind bah..cm drink wid me.. like u said u wld..juz tell me when u decided<br /><br />Sent by a fren:<br />Realised the fact tt people who are quiet and keep all their feelings to themselves hve, amongst all the different cHracters, the highest possibility to get depression.maybe bcoz they just keep stuffing all their troubles and watever shit into tt glass bottle in their tiny heart. different people Have different sizes of bottles. but no matter how big it is..<br />The glass bottle will eventually overflow one day and when it Happens. it just basically erupts. so basically wat u should do is just to regularly empty ur glass bottle at least once in a while. confide to ur close frans. it always feels better when you know tt in the whole wide world, there is someone out there who is sHaring ur burden, sHaring the pain which you feel"<br /><br /><br /><br />Day II<br />02 August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0058 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />U wanna eat hor fan or fried rice? I go buy 4 u den make my way down... U are drinkin at home is it?<br /><br />Time: 0131 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />R u at home o outside?<br /><br />Time: 0144 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />I reach le...<br /><br />Yup, DD came to find me... bought "Dong Fen" for me to eat... she cried the moment she saw me... drank two cans of Stout and a bottle of Tiger... Talked to DD at the void deck... About her school and home problems... DD opened up to me... although i found out about her and her current bf... she said they started to be together just 2 days ago bahz...<br />Hugged her tightly when she cried, and put my arms around her shoulder...<br />Late into the morning, DD very tired le... and if she went home in cab or morning bus herself or without me. Still gotta wait till 10+am then she can enter her house. I couldn't let her wait at her void deck alone for so long... so in the end... i decided to take MC and brought her to my place... We did the usual stuffs... just like the old times...<br /><br />Morning... i didn't sleep much according to DD, kept looking at her. Cause i know that this is the last day i'll ever see her... Hugz, kisses... and heart-to-heart talks proceed... found out that she's "Xi Guan" with me le... and don't know whether she loves me or not... can't answer my question. Yup... her bf... some guy older than me... knew from a hotel she worked previously bahz... We cried together as we bared our hearts... Me... about how i feel, seeing her with him and our future together, me going to be crazy and me who can't sleep and kept thinking about them... ... Her... about how she felt about me and him, her studies, her family, and all past questions answered... ... Lots of tears... lots of hugz... lots of encouragement... lots of truth...<br /><br />Evening time, we went to bathe. After that sat down for a last heart-to-heart session... about him and whatever questions that i may still have... about going stead with him... her answer was she can only say he chose the right time... still in doubt about what that means. Tears flowed and hugz were given just like the first time we met at Esplanade...<br />Told her to take her time to make up her mind about me and him... I will wait for her answer... She was touched that i wasn't angry with her about her and him... And talked about i possesing the qualities that her dad didn't and how i taught her about “宽容”。。。<br />We seriously cared and worried about each other...<br /><br />Went to Bukit Panjang for a medical checkup (me), and bought 4D for tomorrow, and ate Yoshinoya as our lunch/dinner...<br />We held hands as we walked around... i know DD is just accomodating me cause its the last day...but i appreciated it...<br />After the meal we went to take bus #190 down to Chinatown for a walk at OG... Both of us suffered from indigestion from the shaky bus... After a walk around OG, we went to buy sour plum juice to cure our indigestion and we took the dark, quiet, creepy route through the park back to her place...<br /><br />We went to sit at the 3rd level... DD looking around all the time, afraid that He will be waiting like me... He called and msg throughout the whole day bahz... told DD to go pick up his call de... told her, although normal people would hoped that she break up with him on my account...but... i know i shouldn't do that... its unfair to him no matter how much i dun want her to be with him... yet i say... i would rahter bring away all her unhappiness and let her truly be happy with him if that's what she wants...<br /><br />After that we walked past the 2nd floor kopitiam and i drank my last bottle of Tiger and her a mild hot milo... She cried yet again... talking about her aunties and parents... and what Roger and her talked about, when she cried that morning on the 1st of Aug after i didn't reply her the night b4... Saying that she's getting to know more of me, and didn't know i could speak so well or so clear about things bahz, and realised that she never really went to think how i felt and mean in the past when we're together... And i told her that i dun care what others say...i just believed in what i see and feel that's why maybe i could have come this far...without just throwing everything down the drain. I was glad that DD understood my intentions and what i say finally... i smiled... she too... i holding her hands.<br /><br />We walked back after my drink with our hands holding together... Took the lift and sent her up, hugged tightly and kissed her... such a sweet kiss... the whole night and day's hugz and kisses were filled with love?, sweet as honey and feelings of us both...<br />After one final kiss, she stood at the door as my elevator went down... (she didn't just walked away, just like old times) been a long long time...<br /><br />Yup... maybe i won't see her again after this... but what really will happen? No one knows... just hoped that DD made up her mind and be happy... Waiting for her to say the words that i haven heard for a long time already... ... ...<br />Waiting in vain...<br />Memory not so good liaoz... kept reminising what we said yesterday...<br />Seems like i just can't remember what her answer was for my two main questions...<br />Oh well...<br /><br />Time: 2246 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />Bb u reach e bus stop safely?<br /><br />Replied msg: I've reached hm safely.. dun worry.. and have a nice sleep tonite.. swt dreamz.. enjoyed d nite and dae..been a long time.. anything msg or call me..bahz..<br /><br />Time: 2336 hrs 02 Aug 2005<br />I kept thinking about wat we did 2dae too, it made me smile... Yeap been a long time. U need e rest but if wan2 tok on e phone, miz call me kz..<br /><br />Time: 0002 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br />Fall asleep le ah?<br /><br />Time: 0230 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br />If u are seeing dis msg,it means u had been notty nt turning in 2bed at dis hour... Sweet dreamz =)<br /><br /><br /><br />Day III<br />03 August 2005<br /><br />Yup, as spoken didn't hear from each other for the whole day. Throughout the whole of yesterday, i'm smiling... maybe just to put a false front for DD, but i believed i really smiled truly once... when we walked to buy our sour plum juice as i made DD smile... i also smiled... think about junior and botak___gui de stuffs... yup... i'm a forgetful old bunz... that's why i recall what i did with her each day when i'm in the bus or MRT or even LRT like i took today...<br /><br />But i frowned the whole day today and talked less then 200 words bahz... ... ... partly because i<br />realised that i'm back to reality... and its like everything i ate and drank tasted bitter... feeling wasted, nothing seems right... perhaps i thought too much again today...<br />Let's talked about what i thought for the whole day... erm... morning took bus... basically is sleep. Cause really tired in the morning... then when i wake up, thought alittle about what happened yesterday loh... refresh my memories... and what she said...<br /><br />Cause when i'm thinking, i need to be quiet to think... haha... ... ...urm... ok... haha is type de... not really haha... -_-" kk... cont.<br />yup, thought about her and him again lohz... and about the things she said...<br />as well as the things i said... got alot of questions still left unanswered on my mind... but no chance to ask her or get her to say le...<br /><br />The following below will be all the queries i may have:<br />Although not so sure if i remembered correctly but i'll just type...<br /><br />Actually in the end i also dun know if DD really like/loved that guy... cause the first time i asked her, she shook her head... then when we bathe finished i asked her... can't remember what she said le... Then at the void deck, asked her then why she stead with him... she said, can only say he chose the correct time... ?????? What does that mean?<br />Although DD told me lots of truth and i asked her not to lie to me anymore... she didn't promise me though... i guessed... the only thing she said was... “以前骗你是不敢跟你说，现在是不舍得。”<br />at that time i did show a question mark face to her... What i'm trying to say is, dunno whether this is true anot... together with that she told me that both of them only stead two days ago... hmmm.... had my doubts because she dun look convincing, and now come to think of it (seeing it now and realising)... based on the above chinese word... now then i understand... means she does not bear to tell me the truth? Because she see me so sad le... I also know she may not tell me the truth because she understands the truth will hurt me... bad... and maybe cause it will lead to show that she doesn't love me anymore... And don't know really how she met him de...<br />Ok... I really wanted to believe that she doesn't like him at all. But this is contradicting, DD won't stead with someone she doesn't like. She told me that at esplanade 11 months ago... She just doesn't want me to know the whole truth be it she stead with him b4 or after or the next day after 140505 the day she cried after the movie... Amityville issit? I think so...<br />And it can never be becoz she want to show me she got a bf and make me give her up, coz she didn't tell anyone... not even me...<br /><br />Next... thought about the stuffs i asked her... and she said, anymore? Kez... still have lots i guessed... She mentioned alot of times about since i'm so bothered or miserable about her and him... She said then she'll not be with him... haiz... of course i say no... yes, everyone is selfish... she knows, i knows... but... a part of me wanted to leave them alone, coz having said that she won't have any steads for the next 2 years, and now this... she was lying to me or she didn't mean what she said... or he really touched her? or she really loved him too much... to void what she said to me... But in the end i told her, it'll be unfair to him... so i said, let me be the one to bear all the sadness and misery and bring it away, so that she can be happy with him... since that's what she chose...<br />She cried, dunno whether is feel sad that i said that, touched?, don't know how to react, or happy? cause maybe a smart DD knew that i would surely ‘成全’them de, coz i always thought for DD's happiness de... if she really predicted and planned all this b4 she came to see me...then i can say she's a very very smart ger... then i got no problems about her career le... and she admit she's a ‘哭宝宝’somemore. But part of me influenced by someone as well as my own thinking believes this was what she hoped to happen at the very least bahz... But the other part chose not to believe this at all...<br /><br />Quote: She dun wanna hurt you by saying the truth lor, to her the truth is unacceptable by you, so there is nothing she can do expect to lie, a white lie to make you feel better, a lie to make you get over her slowly, a lie to deceive all to make her a better pic in front of you.<br /><br />But this conincide with my theory of her still treating me so good cause she pities me, doesn't want me to face the truth that's why kept everything that will hurt me de... and afraid that she'll be guilty for the rest of life if i died... Hmm.. guess she'll be the only one who will know the real answer bahz... anyway, i know some things have changed... (dun tell u) althought she says her bf or dunno who say wanna delete our photos in her hp... and she dun bear to... something like that. But i know you've take me as your fren le, no longer special in your heart, and him as ur bf... even if you deny you dun really love him and you all said among yourselves that you all wun be together in the end... although you still msg me as BB that night... because you don't know that i've already known this. I still believed you saw me that night although you said you didn't. Cause after you saw me le then you let go of his hand de... Oh well... next...<br /><br />I kinda regret what i said on the LRT back home this evening. DD, you don't know how much i wanted to tell you not to be with him... but will you really? I'm getting lost again... lost over don't know what to do anymore... seems like i and DD got lost at the same time bahz... i assumed...<br />One part of me wanted to fight for it, chased her back... be selfish coz they say love is selfish... and its not that i dun love her enuff then i ‘成全’them de... Somehow or the other, i can feel that DD doesn't like me le, although its kinda fast, not long after we separate bahz i meant... The other part wanted to ‘成全’them coz that was when i believed DD doesn't feel a single thing for me le. And its no use holding on and disrupt her if she really loves him... So i'm troubled by this, so a heart-to-heart talk is necessary...<br /><br />"Do you still love me?", "Do i still stand a chance with you?". These are the two questions that i wanted to ask only... i told her... but right now... still unclear... coz all the way i'm the one whose talking bahz... she just said one thing which is she doesn't know right now bahz... i thinked... cause think i kept interrupting her bahz... ask her to decide and think about it, choose one or something. Maybe she wanted to say de, but i stopped her because i'm afraid to face the truth that i may have some predictions to it. How we spent yesterday was really blissful together, except for the crying part. I so longed for it... clever DD know, that's why she told me “你是不是像今天永远都不会过去。” So DD is not as stoopid as she kept saying she was afterall... She learned fast about the message i'm trying to pass to her and she have the power to say what a person wants to hear at the time when she wants to... maybe she knew how i meant and what my intentions were all this time bahz... but didn't let me know only... hmm...<br />Yar, its like a drug. And i was without my drug the whole day today, maybe that's why i was like a living corpse walking around. Elmo also misses her mama's hug already...<br /><br />Although both of us didn't say anything... but it was like both of us knew that yesterday was the so-called 'last night' and so everything went so well and sweet. That we held hands... and did everything like b4... haiz...<br /><br />Its like estasy, i want my everyday to be like that... of course minus the crying part. Although i told her that the hugs and kisses she gave me that night and day is enough for me to last, to reminisce for a long time le... Guess i finally lied to her... telling her constantly, not to worry and that i'll be fine... i will bear all the sadness... and not think about it, let them be together... but i can't. Today is just the first day only... still i thought about what wil they be doing together...<br />One thing is why she told me this and do that. Is my DD really like that? Treat love like a game? After me then find another straight away? DD just wana play? Haiz... didn't want to believe that... But living with a chance is better than feeling hopeless right? At least must deceived myself too.<br /><br />Drifting to sleep. Guess DD may be talking on the phone with him bahz... i can't live like this, i just can't go on like this... <strong><em>"DD, can you not be with him? For me? Not because you pity me or don't wanna me to do any silly things, but because you want to...</em></strong><strong><em>" </em></strong>(hope DD sees this, but she didn't see my blog for a long time le, no time due to her bf bahz...)<br />But she won't do it de lah... cause her heart is either unsure or doesn't have me in it le. I've been replaced... even if she did, i also don't know... wished we could start anew, although there's alot of repairing works to do... but i know she can do it de... besides, think she changed alot being with her current bf le... maybe she's trying to change for him... ... ...<br />... ... ...<br /><br />I really want to learn to trust u back, DD... its tired to keep suspecting too, you know?<br />What to do... Just to wait and hope that will be a solution soon, either by her, me, or by act of god... Will i just be satisfied to stay by her side as her guardian angel and watched her be happy? With other guys and by herself? ... Guessed you're really unsure... Your love to me is not as strong as you said it to be... i knew this day will come sooner or later... but i have no regrets... i will never give you up... coz i dun want myself to have any regrets too... But whether to leave you alone to be happy or not still not decided... coz i'm afraid, on one hand it may help you decided or i may be letting this cute '猪头' of mine with a tomato in the mouth (joking) be sent on a silver platter straight to him... haiz...<br /><br />Like i said, i wanna be the one you share your happiness as well as your sadness with you together. Same for me to you too... Not as closed friends, not as ‘知己’, not as buddies, but as your hubby...again... you have to learn to tell me the truth... dun be afraid to hurt me... i really wished to know... although i know it may totally destroy me... promise not to lie to me ever again ok? Unless its a rare white lie like what i lie to you about... Cause you've already made the first step to be with him, i'm just helping you up another step only...<br /><br />Even if the 8 months doesn't mean anything to you, let me know too... but that's not important to know right now lah... unless your answer is all negative then answer me this too... Its always easier to survive if you have a little little hope in you. So even if your answers are all negative. Don't worry. I will still believe i have hope de... although how slim slim it is... and that is call, miracle... But for you to be with him right after we separate/during we're together actually sums up everything le... i'm just deceiving myself that's all...<br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>"You know what's the greatest ‘无奈’(saddest) that i feel? Its to be so deeply in love with someone, who knows... But know that she/he cannot ever reciprocate this love except with love in the form of pity..."</em></strong><br /><br />Even if it doesn't goes as i wished. But i will stay and protect and look over DD de, when i was waiting for my Sis to come out of the toilet so i can bathe this evening. Thought about helping DD to healed her and her family's wound. Although it may be not of much help. But i hope to fufil this long bother in her mind... Try to do as much i can for her... since i may not be able to take care of her liaoz... ... ... This is my only wish for her... to clear the air over her and her family... DD is filial i can see that, that's one of the '优点' that i admire her about... as well as being fun to be with when she's in a fun mood, sweet and ever so cute whenever you see her. Although she also got '缺点', like her temper, attitude, and her insensitiveness, ficklemindedness, can't made her mind/decision/feelings, but she's a good-natured ger with a kind heart of gold. Who dun wish to hurt anyone... Yar, nobody's perfect like what she said... But we all try the best we can, and look past other people's flaws...<br />DD, you're not '烂' nor do you take people's goodness for granted... just your character bahz... since you don't treat old people like that... Or it may be like you said, you want a strong guy who can protect you... not someone weak like me... but am i weak? soft-spoken bahz? yaryar... all Virgo's think that i have no confidence. Or it may seem. I'm not... and what does a guy who doesn't treasure his life have anything to lose? ;<br /><br />P.S: Missed the Big Sweep of 10,000 by just one number... damn... and i thought i've bought the last 4 number, but i left it out... haiz. $250 also dun have. Stoopid me... ok, 2.15am le... time to sleep.<br /><br />Dear's hp Missed call at 2016 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br /><br />Replied msg: sumthing happened?<br /><br />Time: 2156 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br />Nahz actually wanted 2 go look 4u... Nvm u had a gd dinner? I watching tv now..<br /><br />Replied msg: ....im hm mah.....always.. watchin tv where? tot gt class...<br /><br />Time: 2201 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br />But u din ans mah. At ah mah's house loh 'tan pan zuan jia'! Channel U. Class ended early mah =)<br /><br />Replied msg: ... din tot anyone wld call.. like i say..im hm.. ah-ma hse %:/ k..enjoy..<br /><br />Time: 2216 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br />=) eat my potato chips. U go buy beer again ahz?<br /><br />Time: 2244 hrs 03 Aug 2005<br />Dun drink kz =) so sweet of u... No fren o me dun drink huh ^(-oo-)^<br /><br />Time: 0121 hrs 04 Aug 2005<br />U feel like talking on d phone?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...do you?<br /><br />Bring the question back to her like how she taught me... Missed call and talk to me, reminded me of the two things that i thought of in the morning and forgot it just now. Said she got something to tell me... which is... ... ... a stall selling Yong Tau Foo that eat le will feel happy at Henderson Area. Will try it when got chance...<br /><br /><br /><br />Day IV<br />04 August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0239 hrs 04 Aug 2005<br />Time 4u 2 slp! Sweet dreamz =)<br /><br />Finally found out the truth or should i say thought of the truth this morning, when i was in the toilet. Yup the time now is 0830 hrs and i'm typing this blog in my office. Somehow or rather i managed to link everything together. DD should have stead with her bf after we broke bahz... or days before that, not too sure. Don't know is it because of him then broke up with me de, or became so bored with me the last few days before that day. But definitely sure its not just these 2 days that they're together... think got about 2 months le bahz... Cause after we broke but we still went out to have dinner and movie ma? Those time de messages and phonecalls were all from him bahz, and not from your mum... and the times that you didn't msg me at all only till morning, those weeks that i left you alone, guessed you were happily out with him and not at home bahz... and there were times when i didn't send you home. Maybe you went to meet him... And the time you were at Kbox, calling me when you went down to buy cigarettes from him...you were with him... Haiz... ... ...<br />I shrudder to think what they have done together as stead already, hugs? kisses? and anything?... ... ... heart has been broken until it can never ever be broken somemore le... Never have i known so much truth about a failed relationship before...<br /><br />I just dun understand, does our being together doesn't mean anything? The 8 months that we spent could be forgotten and washed from your mind that easily? So fast that you've put everything aside and get a new bf to start life anew? The DD i trusted wasn't suppose to be like that. Guess maybe only you can tell me the real answer bahz... you dun dare to, or dun bear to?<br />...Guess your love for me wasn't as strong as i thought it would be... remember that i use to joke about you going off with another guy and dun want me in the end... didn't know it really came true...<br /><br />What can i do now...? DD, maybe you can tell me what you want me to do bahz... although you lie to me about your relationship with him and the questions i asked regarding you and him... but i know you dun want me to hear the truth from you de... But still, i gotta thank you for your pity and let me have a night and day to do things like before, when we were steads. You don't know how much i hoped to believed you that you dun really luv that guy and you all only just started, and i got a chance to win you back when your love was not strong yet. But these were all just part of my naiveness and stoopidity and my one-sided feelings alone only. Right?<br />One more day to friday... so i can go hang out alone at night...but i dun like to be alone... just no frenz that will accompany a boring me sitting at a quiet place bahz...<br /><br />Haiz... DD must've laugh in her heart at my stoopidity that night, both nights... still trying to figure out how you unlove someone so fast...<br />Think what i told her that night got into her head bahz... about not to 'ke lian' me... now i really wished that i shouldn't have thought that much... but looking from her expression can see that she's hiding her feelings. Really hoped to be soi dumb and naive so that i could believe that she still hasn't made up her mind... that i still stand a chance... but this is not to be bahz... guess the time at 7-11 when we talked... guess it was white lies again to make me go down easy...<br />Just waiting for her to deal me with the final blow... Its like her first card to me which said + my add-ons, from frenz to BGR to Bangkok trip to frenz/strangers back...<br />Although the truth is hard to accept, and nobody can really explain the change of feelings... How hard i tried, i can never escape the truth... Guess no two persons in this world can truly love one another with the same depth bahz...<br /><br />Think that i got only three choices left bahz...<br /><br /><br /><ol><li>To leave them alone and like i say, i'll bear all the pain alone till my heart really break and die or i go insane. At least one of us will be happy. Truly happy.</li><li>To hold on for my dear life... hoping that god's will will change... to fight for what i want, until DD find me irritating and a nuisance, and after that she will be the one who run away or asked me to leave her alone bahz...</li><li>To hold on also, but as a statusless person in her life, protecting her and showing concern in every aspect and not hoping to get something back. Seeing her with her bf, but just suffer in silence...</li><li>To end it all...</li></ol><p>To those anonymous people out there whose rading my blog, you can help me decide too... Cause i really have no idea...</p><p>Haiz, the sky very black black again liaoz, going to rain heavily le... Heaven is gonna cry or me again liaoz. Like he knows how i feel, yet dun help me... sigh</p><p>DD, i know you no longer will say those words i so longed to hear from you. But i dun want everything to be just left as a memory... I dun want to be a nuisance to you too, keep asking you the same thing over and over again. Had bad experiences and you'll grow to hate me in time if i did that. Haiz... dunno what i can do le... can i really swallow everything and be by yourside as a fren not asking for any returns? Seeing you happy with your bf... i dunno... i want to be with you, yet another part of me wants to run away cause i can't accept it and feels that you chose him cause you already got over me and loves him now le... ... ... Think i'll go stand in the heavy rain outside... seems really heavy. Strong wind and all...</p><p>Feeling sad sad and blue blue again... think i'm going to be lost as to what i will do and now how le... The only voice that come up in my head is that DD really love hmi de, then be with him... So sad.. feel so sad... Remebered i asked DD can come back to me at the void deck that night. But she say not now... maybe coz she currently attached bahz... But why did DD get a stead so fast? Must be cause of him then DD so pressureised bahz... and that we broke...</p><p>One more day to friday then the weekends... think DD will have lots of programmes with him bahz... haiz... No longer know what is true or false le... just feel very bitter... hopes i can be drunk always... there life would be a blur and i won't feel the inmense pain in my heart... thinking that DD left me for another guy... Guess Sagz have this kind of life bahz... Joycelyn Babe also same thing happened, only is she broke off with the other Daniel... </p><p>DD, you're not the cause of my roller-coaster emotion, like we said at your 2nd floor kopitiam... Didn't expect things to turn out this way.. really dunno that your feelings changed for me le. And you dun love me anymore. I didn't even feel it coming... just dun understand why you did what you did bahz... Which i may or may not know the answer till the end. I know you hope that i get over you and find a new gf so that you can be with your bf and dun need to worry about me le. Right? And i know that all these while your messages and calls are because you worried that i might go drink and bad things might happen and you'll be guilty bahz...</p><p>Is there not a single care, concern, feeling, of the love we onced shared? Not even a little bit? Guess i failed to touched your heart. Unlike what you always said, that i did touched your heart. </p><p>:',( Crying in my heart. Although i enjoy DD's care and concern for me... but in DD's view this is not love... right? Just pity... What to do.. What to do????!!! Going crazy... I know i should let go since she doesn't feel for me le... but part of me still want to think there's a chance... But i try hard to be a Man and leave her be... not because i'm egoistic or what... i really dun wanna leave de... just afraid that DD will hate me even more if i stay... Really dunno what to do le... follow my heart? What does my heart says... i only want to love her, and let her be happy.. But she keep crying whenever she sees me le... cannot let this be a "Xi Guan", i know but i really can't help feeling sad, and that will in turn make DD drop tears when she see how "Xin Ku" i looked...</p><p>What to do... ??? Where to find the answers that i need to know so badly... Just who can untied all our knots??? DD... ... ... erm ... urm... *sigh*</p><p>Haiz... heavy rain cause me to diahorrea twice... *sigh* in the end, i also kana diahorrea although i feint it... stomach feels funny and weak weak le. But in the toilet and when i sitting outside my container office to smoke. Something hit me, i was stray off my path too far liaoz, that explains the lostness feeling. Wonder if DD feels the same way too. Cause i kept thinking about the night and day with her, reminds me of the time when we were at esplanade. </p><p>Remembered the things that i said to her... Wonder if DD still remembers, the time when i ask why she say she like me. And she replied that she got a feeling that i will "疼" her alot. And through the times when we quarrelled, the things we said we'll do get lost in our minds and heart. And all these time when i know that i will lose her. I remembered. I want to be the one who sayang her, be there for her, protect her from everything and anything. Be it problems in school, work or family problems. I'll stand by her all the way. This is what i want to do. I just lost tracked of my feelings. Giving in to despair and misery feeling sorrowful. </p><p>I've been feeling sorry for myself for the past 2 months, dwelling in sadness. Its time to get my wife back, its now or never. Dun worry DD, i promise to be as sweet and caring to you as before, when we first became stead, and i'll never let you climb to my head again. If you do, at most i will let you reach my neck and i'll carry you down and hug you tight. And make you cry. Just kidding for the last part, won't let you cry so often le, coz i said i'll make you happy, remember? I'll try, try, try and never give up, until you find me a nuisance and ask me to not bother you ever again.</p><p><strong><em>"DD, can you not be with him anymore? Will you give me another chance to call u my Deardear and to hear you call me hubby again? Let me fulfil all the things i said to you, and stand by you always? Working hard together...?"</em></strong></p><p>Can you? Will you? Although i dun know if i'm doing the right or wrong thing, and i dunno how you feel. But... this is what i want to do. Following my heart, towards your heart, to look for the place which once my heart lived in before. DD, dun be lost, will guide you back to path and be there when you need me de... My mind nearly break down again... Hope DD read and understand every single word that i typed, and the questions that are going around my mind every single day. And if you may... please try to answer if possible... of all those little questions that i've wrote...</p><p>Thought about a few things quite some days ago, forget liao but now remember back. Its about genes. Like my big sis like follow my father's character, crazy temper de, and me like my mum, patient and always giving in. Maybe my DD also got some connections bahz, his bro more like mum and DD's genes attitude abit like her dad bahz... </p><p>Guess i can bounce back no matter how low i get. Think i get to my life's lowest moment when DD chose another guy rather than me and lied to me, but i believe she got her reasons for doing so. But if she cared about how i feel, she shouldn't have said one thing and do the other bahz. Although she doesn't know how to explain, but i believe she got an answer. And i'm willing to hear her out but she's not willing to tell me the truth bahz, scared that i can't take it maybe. Which goes to show its a bad answer. Still remember these 2 months she often asked me not to think too much. Haiz... why did she hide from me? ...Wished that i could be wrong one time, then at least my heart won't go on breaking anymore le bahz...</p><p>...Wonder how is DD's interview le... = not so blue le bahz, once i know what i want to do le. But drifting off to sleep in my office with a uneasy stomach.<br /></p><p><br /><br /><br />Day V<br />o5 August 2005</p><p>Time: 0010 hrs 05 Aug 2005 </p><p>When u free den call me =)</p><p>Yesterday night talked to DD again... actually is evening and night. Cause she say will tell me the result of her interview straight after it. But didn't get her call, so i called her when i reached home in the evening. Haiz... Talked to her in the morning that night. Made her dropped two tears for me... Finally told me that she can't stand my 'Se Se' thinking and behaviour, constant nagging and comparing then lead to our separation de bahz. Not the first time this happened le... guess i'm a very bad and useless person bahz... Never learn my lesson. But i'll try to change... even if i do, think no use le bahz... Gers like DD unlove someone le, wun ever luv them again liaoz. Will only look forward for other guys... wun look back for past guys de...</p><p>Talked alot to her about my mind going to explode if i dun find a solution soon. My head is going to split, i really dunno what to do anymore. Want to follow my heart, but scare DD's impression of me go from bad to worst to hate. I know DD just wanna be frenz from now on. Yar, maybe one of DD's cons is not able to decide whether to be hard or soft. Which make me so "Bu Zhi Shuo Cuo". I said so much but she say she doesn't understand a single word... haiz... maybe coz i'm speaking like a devil and a angel inside me... Two paths, two thinking... dunno lah... DD throughout the conversation just replied "Bu Shi lah", "Mei You lah", "Bu Yao Xiang Zhe Me Duo". </p><p>Felt bad making her worried for me, besides, she got no Responsibility to care or worry so much for me le... Guessed i just want her to make up her mind on wanting to be truthful, harsh and hard with me. Or be soft, and lying to me. But i think she got int me alot of times le bahz, caused i really said alot of things to her liao. If she still got alittle "Hao Gan" about me, she would have at least shown some reaction or say something to console me liaoz. But she just kept silenced, maybe showing that i'm correct that she doesn't feel a single damn thing about me liaoz. And just want me to stay far far away from her, maybe? Who knows... she also won't say, how am i suppose to know how she feels????.......................... so she could carry on with her life and be with her soon-to-be level up lao gong like she said.... =( Level up? .... .... ....... :,((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((</p><p>Haiz... yar, and one more hint. When i talking to Tummy, when she kept calling me Papa, i said i'm not. But when DD say, you Are her Papa. I said, if i'm her Papa that makes me your Lao Gong ritez? She think also never think straight away shoot back loud: "BU SHI LAH~!" .............then i -_-" voice changed again...became quiet le... dun think DD noticed my changing when i talked bahz... maybe coz she not observant in this type of things bahz....</p><p>Really dunno what to do anymore le. Just need answers bahz... how can i not think about it DD? When you got a bf now le, and i'm still here dunno where to go... Maybe your bf can keep you busy so you dun need to think about it, or you just simply dun care... But me... Stuck in the middle. Just like for example, you, thinking whether to continue studies or not. Then very troubled by it "Bu Zhi Dao Ru He Shi Hao". </p><p>You understand DD? (Make it simple for you) Then if you dun study there's the pros and cons, and if u do continue, there's also the pros and cons. Some that you prefer and some you dun. Ohhh, in a dilemma. Finally got the word. Afraid to make a choice that you'll regret in the future. But i still encouraged you and explained to you to solve your problems. To guide you along. That's what i need now... somebody to guide me... .............. =( Somebody to assure me that i've taken the right path and that i wun regret in the future. And the best person to do that is you. Its like a fortune-teller who somehow can only see a blurred image of your real future, but yet cannot tell you everything (cause the image is not confirmed going to happen, you see?) , can only guide you along like which subject to take, whether to continue studying or not. Yup, that's how i'm feeling right now... so so so troubled. I know i've never asked you on any decisions that i myself have to make, but i hope you can help me now. Cause you're just like the fortune-teller in my example, and you're linked to my decision one way or another.</p><p>Hmm, cause you everytime also keep quiet dun wanna say anything. Only give a question mark answer. Maybe cause you worry that i might not be able to accept the truth bahz. Besides having said that, you also keep quiet. Then if not keep quiet then you'll say "Mei You lah". Then does that mean i stand a chance and you still wanna be with me? To that, you also keep quiet. Then how am i gonna know how you feel? How can i know what to do now... </p><p>AAAARRTFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~!!!!</p><p>Really dunno whether to do that or do this... so "Tong Ku" you know?</p><p>Time: 2043 hrs 05 Aug 2005<br />"Bb ni zai na li? Eat le mah? </p><p>Time: 2319 hrs 05 Aug 2005<br />"Me at home le... U dun stay out 2late kz.. Hope u ain't drinking beer.. Take care. Free can call me yar."</p><p>Time: 0253 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Hope u r home safely... Rest early. Guess u dun wan2 tok 2me 4 e time being. Slp well yar.."</p><p>Time: 0256 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Waiting 4u 2 get home... Muz haf drank alot. U alrite? Can get home on ur own?"</p><p>Time: 0300 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Nahz will wait 4u 2et home safely. O u can't manage 2 get home by urself?"</p><p>Time: 0302 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Get home den msg me... I can wait. U take ur time."</p><p>Time: 0346 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Itz alrite... I noe u dun wan2 tok 2me. Have a gd rest den. Sorry 2 disturb..."</p><p>Time: 0837 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Den y u wake up so early nw? Faster go back n rest 1st."</p><p>Replied msg: Den u? y nvr slp..</p><p>Time: 0839 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Can't slp..."</p><p>Replied msg: cant slp coz of me? dun b.. faster go get sum slp if nt how to go out later. i sober liao cant slp le..</p><p>Time: 0844 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Faster get more rest 1st... Drink water, u muz haf vomit alot.. Go slp nw"<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day VI<br />06 August 2005</p><p>Yup, drank 7 tequila shots yesterday and a jug of Whisky dry. Help my fren drink. DD, didn't slp till morning... have nitemares or what bahz... Talked to my fren yesterday at Hollang V drinking coffee. After i talk and talk, reminds me of the time when i and DD argued about fickle-mindedness, remember? The time when i wanted to send her home but she dun let me. Then she changed her mind say wanna go ah-ma's house. Can feel she's angry coz she dun wanna let me send her back but i insists. So argue loh... Haiz... even till we sat in the shed and her ah-ma's block in front. She still ask me to go home from there and leave her to go up o herself... Of course i refused, we're so near le, sent her up also a while only mahz... But in the end she was angry i know, and she just walk fast to her ah-ma's place, and i went home. Come to think of it, the reason why she is so angry, may be at that time she already meeting her current bf le. And becoz she wanted to go meet him after she met me and i insisted on following her all the way back home. Maybe make her angry or late in meeting her beau bahz... Guess they've already start contacting those one or two months before we separated, coz those two months i started meeting her lesser and our relationship is already on the line le. Just regret that although i know, yet i didn't do anything to prevent it. Haiz... just see it get destoyed in front of my eyes. </p><p>I'm a 烂 Bunz... but all guys will be like me lah, just that some show it, and some dun only... I too straightforward le, i know... Gotta type fast, coz a hungry DD is waiting for me. To bring her to lunch. She's going to buy number, but when i say buy their date. She kept quiet and dun tell me what number she gonna buy. Maybe really is their date together bahz, and DD dun wanna let me know coz i know the date they were together. Wasn't just few days ago like what DD says. She just dun wanna tell me the truth. Coz they've been together since... ok... i dun wanna say so clear le. You know and i know can le. Good luck on that number bahz. Seems like DD is re-enacting the things i've done with her bahz... and anyway her bf is like me... if you know what i mean. Although she dun dare to say out. And for that i can be assured abit that he'll take good care of her... haiz.. give my wife to someone else le... Yar, DD's xiao-yi is a Sag whose bdae falls on the same day as me. </p><p>I told DD on the phone just now what i've thought of recently. Maybe she is used to lie to to me le, so now cannot stop even if i ask her to. Must make her promise then can bahz... "Fa Du Shi" (dunno how to write the chinese version) kekez, kidding. And i'm used to her lies le bahz. That's why can forgive her everytime. Or tired of it le. I try hard not to be. Cause by then it will become a 'Xi Guan' like what DD said le. And...</p><p><strong><em>“我爱她并不是习惯！”</em></strong></p><p>Yup, like what anonymous says, if we were to be together again. Really need to work hard, the both of us, to rewrite all the wrongs, Together. That is, if she really want to be together again. Of course i'll forgive her and give us another chance. But it'll definitely be hard work, and alot of determination and perserverance is needed, and both of us must work as one and not to give up so easily le. But i doubt she will want to. Caused too much mental and emotion work to cover up.</p><p>That's all for now... DD hungry le... off i go.<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day VII<br />07 August 2005</p><p>Time: 2202 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Bb,sorwee u msg me,i was tokin 2 him. I got home le... Btw wru nw?"</p><p>Time: 2205 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"U waited 4 me to b home is it? Haiz u muz b very bore alone juz nw.."</p><p>Time: 2223 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"Where is club momo? Did u eat b4 u leave 4 ur beer? Scare later u drink 2much again.."</p><p>Time: 2227 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"If u dun mind i can acc u... If u wan2 drink at chinatown. But if u with ya frens, nvm lahz. 2dae sat mah, entry sure ex."</p><p>Time: 2235 hrs 06 Aug 2005<br />"I gonna study abit later n wait 4 ur msg... Itz alrite i can acc u if u dun mind.. Muz take care of urself yar. Anything juz call me..."</p><p>Time: 0029 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"Nvm i wait 4 u 2b safely home if u intend 2b at momo drinking..."</p><p>Time: 0202 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"Nahz haven slp... Wait 4u 2get home. U drinking alone ah? At tanjong pagar where?"</p><p>Time: 0208 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"Nvm if u alone den i acc if u dun mind. Worried bout u drinking alone..."</p><p>Time: 0223 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"I still care n alwiz will b... I dun feel safe bout u drinkin alone.."</p><p>Sent msg: DD...ive rch my void deck le..thx for cuming dwn to c me..hope ur aunt dun noe..if u wan to go out tml then cal me tml bahz..anytime... thx alot..although u din say much..but ive oredi known ur ans le..since uve chosen him..then wish u b happi bahz..u said u wanna tok to him..and d naive me tot u were gona break wid him..treat him erll...and im sure he'll treat u as well coz his a sag and i said b4..u outside anyhw find a guy whu luvs u he'll treat u equally well etc...</p><p>Time: 0508 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"Nvm i wait 4u 2 get hm. Actually juz nw quarrel till quite jiat lat,but juz din wanna tok bout it.. Dun think so much. Faster get hm safely,if nt tummy wun slp."</p><p>Sent msg: reali enjoyed tat nite and day wid ya..and yar..ur rite..i wished tat dae wld nvr haf past... but i gotta face up to reality sum dae.. thx....fer ur care and concern..and everything..</p><p>Went with her to Bugis to pray, after that buy 4D le. She said she wanna go le, again without warning. But she's like tat de lah. Said she wanna tok to him. We had a little to eat at Mc with Tummy. After that she left for the MRT station. Said her bf is coming down to pick her. After that i started walking and walking... whole of Bugis, Suntec, Marina Square and Esplanade. Went to all the places that i've been to with DD. Evening time esplanade got alot of people and got fireworks. But i didn't stop to see, coz DD wasn't by my side. I then went to Expo, and then back to Tanjong Pagar. And took a cab down to Club Momo. After that about 12 or what. I walked to Tanjong Pagar for a drink. And DD haven slp. Got her down to talk...</p><p>Went with her to the 7-11 when she cried that night, and decided to be with her bf... I drank somemore. B4 walking here, she was angry abit. About me drinking and drinking. Say i drink like i dun want my life. ...Then all the way is i talked again... didn't really talk about him and her de... coz i din want to make her cry... if later got meet then i ask the remaining questions i have on my mind bahz... Then walk back to her void deck de coffeeshop wait for me to finish my beer. Quarrel? DD say very jiat lat, but seems fine with me. Just that she doesn't want me to drink finish the two cans. Coz she tired bahz, that's why the frustration and temper. I talked alot about asking her to be good to his bf and stuffs she did with him. But i guessed DD wasn't with me... think her mind was with her bf bahz... Anyway i finished my can and sent her up till she went inside. Then i took a cab home... And drink the remaining can... </p><p></p><p>Maybe if later got chance to meet up with her. Then tell her everything bahz... and ask her... In the end, the 8 months really dun mean anything at all. Yar, when she's at bugis, received a call from agency or something for a job. She introduce them to take the job to the rabbit. Cause the rabbit kana sacked or sumthing. Guess, she and the rabbit very close. Dunno whether she still got go his place for the nite anotz... But that's not what i'm trying to mean, what i wanna say is, in DD's life, there's alot of guys surrounding her to protect her. All gers wished for this scene, am i correct? Yes i am. Maybe partly becoz of DD's family background that's why more people wanna sayang her and “疼” her... one of my fren say she's “情绪化” but i dun think so. Ok, straying from point again. i mean, there's alot of guys around her, like the gold saints around Athena. But just where do i actually rank... where do i stand? </p><p>I know the rabbit may be the only guy she ever really loved and treat as her hubby in her life. Cause no matter in terms of looks, career, relationship, character matching, all are perfect to DD... that's why she loved him so much. And maybe she's finding another guy like him bahz... No guys will ever replace that place in her heart bahz. DD thought i hate him... but i guess if i saw him, i will... coz... of guy's jealously bahz, if u know what i mean. But seeing that he looks after her so well, erm... not sure abt that... just know that DD will call him regarding any matters... when she in doubt. Maybe his the only rabbit that DD have ever trusted and be so truthful to bahz... at least she tells him everything and will never ever lie to him. Sometimes i wished i were that close to her heart like him. but i know i can never replace his place... anyway, DD's heart already got someone there le. Although i know his a Sag, but not sure whether he'll treat DD good anotz... just dun let me know he bully her... DD have put the 8 months far far behind her like a forgotten dream le. Why am i still living inside the 8 months? After today, i think will leave her alone bahz. She got so many protectors, less me one also dun less. I know DD will say inside her heart that i say last day alot of times le. And maybe she can't wait for me to get out of her life and stop shadowing her bahz. I will, once i've heard it from you. </p><p>Actually my msg above have tell you alot about how i'm thinking, so i dun have to write much anymore.<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day VIII<br />o8 August 2005</p><p>Time: 1343 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"Wo qi lai le. . . Can call my hp =)"</p><p>Time: 1518 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"U reach le mah? No c u leh..."</p><p>Time: 2259 hrs 07 Aug 2005<br />"I m home safely... Apply e lotion le.. Rest on d bus kz, think u had a tired day listening 2my nonsense. Hugz"</p><p>Time: 0000 hrs 08 Aug 2005<br />"U home oredi?"</p><p>Time: 0013 hrs 08 Aug 2005<br />"Aiyo! U alrite? Go wash ur eyes n eat lahz. Me gonna study abit... Later eat finish,if u wan den call me bahz."</p><p>Yup, went out with DD yet again today. Hoping to get some truths from her bahz. We went CSC then after that we walked to Chinatown point and back and fro around Chinatown and OG. Held her hand at Chinatown point and she held on to it. How i wished its cause she wanted to continue to hold onto my hand. We sat at the travel angency that building de S11 and ate kaya toast with barley. I held onto her hand and looked into her eyes. She put my hand close to her face and kissed it several times. Think she looks kinda sad bahz... maybe coz she's piting me that she can't give me anything. Then we went to her place de shop to eat Dian Xin as dinner. After that we walked around then back to CSC to pressed money before heading to a coffeeshop to drink and watched TV before Maxwell Food Centre. Sure got alot of nice places to eat and sit down at DD's place.</p><p>I drank again as we watched the TV show about guys snatching people's wives... DD put her head on my shoulders. Then nearly towards the end of the show. I asked DD not to be with him... think DD never saw that coming bahz, she was shocked as she nodded unwillingly bahz. After that think she frowned all the way bahz... as we walked back. She wanted to go off alone. But i insist on sending her back, coz she says she wanna think about things. But when i going home then i knew the real reason bahz. </p><p>We sat at the MRT outside as i hear her talked like what i say i'll do. Just keep quiet and listen loh. She cried alittle again. Everytime she cries i feel that its my fault. She told me back when we were drinking that both guys had their good qualities bahz... Think she felt very heavy-hearted now le bahz. Just wanna know how she feels. But when i say that since you dun love me le. I should be the one to leave and not make it like a triangle. Then she says softly who says she dun luv me le. First Why... Then she says she just quarrelled with him yesterday. And when i asked on the phone later tonite. She was oredi contacting him before we broke. That's why i want her to make sure. Whether she loves me nor not. Told me alot of things too, but can't really seem to remember le... About she must have earn alot of merits in her past life and stuffs like that. </p><p>When we were heading home. She didn't want me to send her back. Really afraid le after what happened bahz. Said she just quarrelled with him yesterday, dun wan him to mistaken again like me. Then one problem leads to another. Think she is angry in her heart that i found out bahz. That's why she said since yesterday she just quarrelled with him, scare he'll come down to wait for her. Although i assured her he wun, coz not every guy like me. But she still can't put her heart down. Think she really cares how he felt bahz. She says he was already jealous in the beginning le, of me and for her not wanting to delete the photos of me in her hp... At least he still could get her to do that. I can't even see her hp msges. That's why maybe this guy entered le i also dunno.</p><p>Guess that even a blind person like Weilian can see that i'm the root of this problem. Minus me, DD won't feel bad or guilty for me and she can continue to love her guy le... Problem is that i'm still here, and its making everyone's life a living hell. I know this problem can't be solved unless one person backs out. So it still have to depend on DD in the end, see which guy she want to be hard to bahz. Caused if she dun want to be with her bf, he'll still hold on bahz i guess. Or the best is not having any stead right now until she decides bahz. Really dunno if DD's heart still got me anotz. Although she says softly that one time and other time never says it back to me and she dun wan to delete the photos. But if she haven completely put me behind or what,why did she start a new relationship that fast? That's really what i wanna know badly too. Why? Anyway they've oredi stead for two months plus le. I also dun wan to ask DD so directly "What they do together anyway." At least i'm not in a position to ask or to want to know this right now. </p><p>Will DD be able to make a choice on who she wants? Yar, she says she brought this upon herself and she'll solve it by herself. But how? Think she put it behind us for the day. Besides she's really tired le. Dun want to pressure her anymore. If she really really wants to be with me deep down in her heart, i'll definitely be there for her. But if not, then let me know the truth bahz.</p><p>Will time heal everything? Or will someone come and mend my broken crusty bread heart...</p><p>Guess she was just following in the footsteps of one of her mentor bahz... GRrrr... what to do? Just wait till something happen bahz... not sure if my mentality can wait so long... Lucky someone was there to talk to me when i'm lost. Some people just can't listen what you say bahz... the only thing is for me to wait.. until he/she realises that they should made up their mind bahz... just accept the hurting all the way bahz. That's the only thing i can do bahz...</p><p>Still gotta take car of my parents, just have to endure till the end bahz... Although all has been broken. Just hope that heaven will take pity on me Haha... and let me be back with my wife...</p><p>Time: 2000 hrs Still at office. Dunno why i stayed till so late. Maybe nothing to do at home bahz or i dun want to be alone at home anyhow think bahz... Stay here with my collegue and type my blog as well as tok to someone. Today is DD's ah-ma's bdae. Wish her good health and longevity bahz. Still remembered i waited for her at Raffles place OCBC there last year when someone in her family bdae at the restuarant over there. DD, you still remember? Heard from my collegue, that there are fireworks at Marina Bay, but think Esplande there also can see bahz. Duno whether wanna ask DD go see anotz. Scared she not enuff slp. And probably she'll go home with her auntie after a wonderful meal bahz. Want her to have a good sleep now. Caused these few days asked DD to accompany me till late late and she didn't have enough sleep. Saw Dayang talking to Baobei and Baobei cried. Cause he said that he'll protect her coz she's his wife. Wished that DD could've seen that scene. </p><p>DD, hope you didn't cry after seeing my blog this afternoon... Talked to a fren on MSN and come home talked to my Dad cause we were having dinner. Felt much better le... for now. Strangely, my father told me all the things that i told DD before. About not comparing, "Lang Bi Lang, Ki Si Lang"... not lying "Pian Lang Si Pian Ka Ki, and hurt people around you if you dun learn... most important is to admit and know your mistake... "Lun Ki Seng Cai" teochew saying of controlling your temper then will have fortune. I should have brought DD home for dinner and so she could listen to my father too. Oh yar, my dad says life is short too, and about not comparing with others about material gains. As long as people can go resturant eat, we ownself also can. Even if they buy $100 over shirt, we wear $10 shirt also never mind. Yar, i told him my sentiments exactly, life is short, enjoy every single moment of it and have no regrets. "Hua Hee Jiu Hoh".</p><p>Feel much better and seems to clear the fog. Talking to an oversea fren also is a relief. Told me some meaningful phrases, will put them up here to remind me time and time again:</p><ol><li>So strange how the person who was once the closest to ur heart become a stranger just like that.</li><li>Anyway cheer up ba, everything will fall into place, and the truth will always show de ba... and u will get all ur answers u want.</li><li>Soon ur sky will be as bright as mine.</li><li>Im blind, but its all over, at least my conscience is clear ba.</li></ol><p>Thanks, fren, appreciate the chat with ya... I too have done all i can. Its up to DD le... whether she wants or not. But knowing how DD is... dun worry... will try for now not to give u so much pressure. Just as long i could be close to you is fine for me le, for the moment... Hope she can understand by herself one day bahz. Then i'll really have no regrets bahz... </p><p>Time: 2335 hrs 08 Aug 2005 "U at home nw? Had ur dinner?"</p><p>Replied msg: Yar...and u?</p><p>Time: 2339 hrs 08 Aug 2005 "Yeap at home, got eat... Nw watch tv."<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day IX<br />09 August 2005</p><p>Time: 0214 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Feel like tokin on d phone?"</p><p>Replied msg: If u gt things to say then call me bahz..</p><p>Time: 0235 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Hope u r nt alone drinking outside... Shall wait 4 ur call..."</p><p>Time: 0302 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Yeap!"</p><p>Time: 0305 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Call u nw kz.."</p><p>Time: 0402 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Life is difficult, full of trials, sorrow, pain, but if u fall down, jus stand up straight, b confident & say.. "Oi, who push me? Nvr die b4 izit?!"</p><p>Replied msg: U and ur rubbish..faster go slp.. piggy...wait tml late late wake up again..nitez</p><p>Time: 0409 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Itz gettin late,time 2 tuck urself 2 bed n proceed 2 entrance at DREAMLAND.Com"</p><p>Replied msg: Then u stil dun slp..go slp and dun msg le... dun need to bother bout me...</p><p>Time: 1400 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"Zao an! Hoho! Qi lai mum mum le... Dun starve urself yar."</p><p>Time: 1452 hrs 09 Aug 2005<br />"O.o?? Sleeping ??O.o"</p><p>Replied msg: ...nahz...woke up long ago..</p><p>Yup, talked to her on the phone, at 3am+ bahz... I woke in cold sweat from a nitemare, saw DD taking a camera and taking photos for dunno who, then i ran up to chased her but she's already at a distance le... I tried a short cut but its full of sharp vines and thorns... and in the end i lost sight of her. Guess its portraying obstacles in front of me bahz... or what, not sure... Think i over-thinked le bahz... recently also woke up alot of times when i sleep. Talked to Tummy and all again... Haiz... asked me to go over her place see fireworks... dunno just say say only bahz... then finally told me Tummy and my children all love me... And Mama loved ... ... ... them too... Yar... playing with my heart like a heart-shaped yoyo bahz... but... it doesn't matter... really... my heart is in pieces anyway le... </p><p>Every morning waking up is a torture to me... Heart would ache so much everytime i gain consciousness... DD wouldn't understand de, no matter how hard i explain to her... unless she experienced it herself... I know you're trying to hint me time and again that you don't love me anymore le right? Cause if you still do, you would say something, seeing me in such pain... I know... I know... I didn't tell you the other time when we talked on MSN, that you have no idea how much i'm willing to give to know how you feel right now. What's the truth in your heart right now...</p><p>I know that you dun want to mislead me or give me any feeling that i still got hope, and you dun wish to hurt me a second time... You said that the other when we sat outside the Tanjong Pagar MRT there. I know... its all my fault... you dun wish to hurt me. But my hurt won't go away or be any lesser if you're uncertain yourself... Everyday i would think, and think and think... that you've stopped loving me. That's why you ended our relationship and started with him... I guess my name in your hp is no longer Bunz le bahz... but your name in my hp has always been DearDear... that's not important anyway... And i keep telling myself, that you really love him then you'll agree to stead with him de mahz... Maybe coz his more handsome or you need a real guy bahz... I know you all have been together for almost 3 months le bahz... And maybe have gone to Hotels countless times... i know i'm not supposed to say this. But these are really what's on my mind. Remember the other time i told u about my malay collegue asking me to think of the worst case scenario... About thinkiing you two going out not only hold hands and hugz and kiss... And i remember you kept quiet for a while b4 saying “没有啦”。I know... it really happened... just another one of my questions that i want to heart from your mouth bahz... </p><p>I know... that you'll just keep things the way they are right now... or unless you got enough courage to tell me everything... I can only wait. Although with every passing day, its tearing me apart. I still beared all the pain and sorrow and move on... not telling anyone. Not showing any, when i'm with you... But really, when i'm out with you, seems to put my mental torture on hold until when i go back or the next morning when i wake up. So its kinda like you're my medication. And i know this can't last forever... I don't know how this could have happened... thought we were really close... but then became like strangers and that you chose another guy... remember when we were together? In the beginning i was always afraid that you'll run off with another guy, but you always assured me that you won't... i really believed and trust what you said... but... this really is the worst case scenario that could happen to us... Really... Really...</p><p>I don't know whether i could ever fully stand up again... This is my worst nitemare... The darkest hour of my life... If given another chance, i wished none of these would ever happen... i really don't want this to happen de... but since it has already happen... there's nothing you or i can do...I really still surviving with every passing day... i really am... dragging myself to move on to the next day... passing every day one by one... Really dunno how much my mind can take this torture... Nothing can mend back my broken heart... and my teared up mind... except you bahz... but unless its the sweet and good-natured DD that i loved... only she can cure me... but i know... she never will again... even if there's a slim chance... she must possess alot of patience, faith, trust and love and showered it all on me then i could fully recovered. Not that i dun have faith in her that she can do it, however... its a waste of time and effort. And me knowing DD, she'd rather have things easy then spend time on this... She rather find a new one and forget the old one... coz all of us the mind have been seasoned through time and experience... everyone of us (all people around i meant) are physically and mentally "Tired" le...</p><p>...I will walked through it... i have to fight in order to survive... i know its difficult for me. Cause like DD said, i have No Frenz... someone said that wem ust be in the company of frenz when this happens... yar, none of my frenz care... and i dun care too... i've always been a loner... it doesn't matter that no one understands me. I understand myself can le... </p><p>Thought i can make DD realise something, but guess in the end, she still chose to run away from it bahz... maybe hoping i can give up myself? ... yar... i really want to know how DD really feels... no more guesses, no more assumotions... you're not a freak, no... not a prisoner or what too... no. That's why i want to hear it from you. Why are you treating me so good? Even now... why? You're afraid that i'll do something stupid? That's why you're still with me right now? And why did you stead with him... when you haven't fully finished me?... Why? I really want to know... you really loved him so much? If you're not so closed to him everytime you all meet i think he won't jio you de... or did you jio him? Did you hug him at Esplanade to test if he loves you? ...... Am i really so detestable that you have to end it with me so fast and find another guy? I really wanna know the truth... Don't i have rights to know what happen?</p><p>Everytime i see you cry... i would go soft... you should know my weakness... Nevermind... no one ever really cared or loved me before anyway... There's nothing much i could do le. I've done everything and anything that i could ever have done... But it still doesn't seem to have touched your heart... At wits end now... The only thing is to hope you realised that running away doesn't always solves the problem. The problem will still be there even after a couple of years. Sometimes, when you're tired running. You should try time to time to slow down your footsteps, stopped and look back... Maybe then you'll see how much you've missed in running forward all this time. </p><p>I'll bear with all the sufferings i feel and walked on... Who asked you to have such a cute face that all guys are so mesmerised by you and care so much for you. They rather bear the pain themselves then let you be stressed, pressurized or hurt... Yar, you do have a blessed life in return for you troubled childhood days... That's maybe why it makes me wana love and sayang you more, much more than my usual limit. And maybe that's why i could forgive you for all the wrongs you've done. I dun mind if i love you more than you love me. This is what i wanted to do. And i've done it... although still doing... Maybe you just haven't realised what you want to do right now bahz. That's the difference. I've already made up my mind le... Even if you take me for granted or take advantage of my kindness. i've only myself to blame for not making you learn or realised. </p><p>Maybe... maybe according to the Fate Book, we're not fated to be together... but i've made it my duty to look after you. Not let you mix with bad company. To be there when you need me to... Even if i die of a broken powdery heart in the future. I won't have any regrets. But i could only do that much... the rest is up to you to realised my worth... although i dun worth much really... Although gers dun like guys who really loved them... but... i dunno... my life is still in my hands. I'll do what i want to do. Caused life is short, and this is the way i want it to be... at has strayed far far away from what i want it to be... but... i dun believe in miracles. Guess i just believed in what we had before wsn't just a hallucination bahz...</p><p>Sent msg: Whatcha doin? watchin tv?</p><p>Time: 1600 hrs 09 Aug 2005 "Yeap... Juz nw watch tv,nw roll on d bed..."</p><p>Replied msg: ....ok..... -_-""</p><p>Time: 2011 hrs 09 Aug 2005 "Put fireworks le...."</p><p>Time: 2355 hrs 09 Aug 2005 "Walk in e lite yar... I noe i m being selfish letting u wait but i think i'll listen 2u. Let go of him...Give myself time 2think.U dun think so much kz.."</p><p>Replied msg: Mayb tat nite and dae was once in a million..coz we gt problems to say..and i consoled u.. it may nt b a everdae event tat it will happen..and d nxt time u come my hse..mayb u wun haf tat exact feeling le..think u juz duno whether u really luv me.. if we get back together and im back to my old self..i think u'll b back to ur xi guan feeling and feel bored wid me..guess d way i am b4 is d usual me + abit se se bahz. ur juz clouded ba"<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day X<br />10 August 2005</p><p>Time: 0047 hrs 10 Aug 2005 "Safely home?? U set my mind thinking again on d msg. . ."</p><p>Time: 0113 hrs 10 Aug 2005 "Wait awhile kz. I washing my pants."</p><p>Yup, met DD again yesterday around 8+pm. Wanted to watch the fireworks with her de. But ended up i reached there, over le. But most importantly DD got to see it can le. We walked to Maxwell Food Centre to eat Hokkien Mee and Rojak with Cuttlefish (requested from my DD) she had coke and me, well beer a bottle again. After that we walked to toilet and she told me her god-father say that i'm a patient guy. Guess DD needs people to tell her how i am bahz. After pressing money from the ATM, i sent her up to the 26th floor as we sat there to talked. </p><p>I couldn't take it anymore so i asked DD to tell me that she chose Him. But in the end still seems she's undecided. Told me that they stead at last month which is the 31st of July. Hmm... is it? Asked alot of times. But seems like for 2 weeks only DD cared alot about him le... Told me they haven talked on the phone since the day we went to Bugis to pray. Think was Saturday 6th Of August 2005. Caused they quarrelled over dunno what problems which DD dun want to tell me. Cause i was asking too much. DD also dun wanna called him first. Said to me b4 when we walking back towards CSC looking for toilet that not every guy like me can tahan DD's temper... She also told me that that day and nite at my place. She saw another side of me, the reason given is last time she's busy with her work and pressure. So what i used to say b4 DD would think that i'm just a story-teller. But now coz she got no job and only studies, she's able to look outside the 'box' and feel how i feel and know that i really cared for her. We talked sitting on the staircase of the 26th floor.</p><p>But got use meh? told her the fact that she found herself another bf b4 we even made a clean break or something. Goes to show that she doesn't love me anymore. Think her case same as for my other piggy fren. Too bored of me le. Then after that found something new about me, got the likes for me again. Told DD that maybe she just doesn't know her feelings for me bahz. Whether its like or love. Told her that at night on the phone. And she replied saying like can become love. And i replied by saying love also can become like. Shouldn't have said that, coz DD is very confused. On who she loves bahz, or should i say who her heart feels for. Should have encourage her rather than pour water on her. Just sad to hear that her feelings for me not strong enough only. . Kekez... but nevermind, at least i know le. Last time i talking all she never go and think about it or never really listens. But its alright. Will be patient to make her understand and touched her heart de... Yar, maybe i'm too good le bahz. That's why DD doesn't like me, doesn't feel that she suits me bahz. But dun think that DD. </p><p><strong><em>"Dun... the reason why i so good to you and always thinking how i can be better is because i really treasure our "love" or feelings when we're together bahz. Or maybe in our previous lives, we're couples and i was really bad to you bahz, and now i'm making up for it. Think it that way better bahz, i guess... Maybe i felt like how you said i felt bahz, being with you let me have the feeling of really being your hubby..."</em></strong></p><p>And of course i feel sweet and xin fu when you're nice to me. And frustrated when you're angry. Know you're afraid of marriage this term. But i also not forcing you to make a decision to settle down. That's why maybe you feel like you wanna go out there to look for other guys, and see how they treat you. Maybe better than me, maybe worst, or maybe just the right guy who you'll listen to. And not the guy listens to you bahz... maybe that's how you really feel inside. I dunno what to say also. I cannot help it also if you feel that i'm too good for you or not good enough... Actually i dun think i'm so good like you say i am also. Maybe you just trying to make an excuse for me to leave... kekez... kidding... I'm not a perfect guy either, at least not for your perfectionist character to admire also, like you say, i'm se se and every ger hates that. Including you, no matter how close we've been before. And that is a bad bad bad point. So you see, maybe i'm half a bad guy, and maybe there's a chance a ger like you will like a bad guy like me... maybe bahz... or just my wishful thinking. I will do my best till the end bahz. And hopefully you can be sure of what kinda guy you want to be with. </p><p><strong><em>And maybe, like you said, Fate will come by again. Maybe... but we just can't sit around and wait right? I can't say i know how the game of life is played. But at least i know enough of how life works to realise when fate is here and cherish it, and not let it slipped by my fingers.</em></strong></p><p>Oh, just in case blur blur DD dun noe, but think she really dun noe, heehee... just to let you know that my blog de in bold and italics are all those meaningful words with deep meanings inside to be understood de. And subsequently only in italics or bold only, are those just to take alittle extra note. </p><p>Time: 1408 hrs 10 Aug 2005 "Did u transfer money 2 my acct.. Hmm... Notty bun"</p><p>Replied msg: U go out wid ppl ar? gt rest more anotz? take care if ur out... :</p><p>Time: 1413 hrs 10 Aug 2005 "Nope i at uob bank remit money 2 my bro... Notty bun, i transfer e money back 2u kz... U gt eat? Ok i noe u will.. Spank u!"</p><p>Time: 1427 hrs 10 Aug 2005 "Ya remit...I show u reciept...Anywayz nw e min. Amt 4 saving acct 4 uob bank is 500buck. U beary smart,take my acct no w/o me noeing..Spank u!"</p><p>Replied msg: Huh? wad money.. ? i long ago knoe ur num. le ar..i even confirm wid u last time 138138 izzit ur num. onli u nvr listen bah.. u no money le stil transfer wad money? no money tell me k?</p><p>Time: 1450 hrs 10 Aug 2005 "Got money lah... Hugz. Ok, i'll write u an IOU, notty bunz make me blur onli. 2dae work tired? I drifting 2slp again.. (-o-)zzZ with tummy,botak n junior.."</p><p>Replied msg: ... dun need lah.. silly baby.. our money put whose acct is still d same..ritez? ur posb nt enuff money tell me hor.. haf a nice rest.. hugz..</p><p>Kekez, blur blur de DD, last time i changed hp with her auntie's one, already ask her to confirm her acct no. le. And i saved it in my current hp. Think DD really never really listened to me before bahz. Haiz... but i understand, i also got this weird habit that i only enjoyed talking and people have to listen to me. I don't have patience to hear people talk de... i keep wanting to interrupt and talk... haha... another imperfect point. </p><p>Kz, the time now is 2230 hrs on a Wednesday night 10th August 2005. At my office in NUS again, writing this blog. Not wanting to go home early. If only they pay me OT. Haiz, dunno why DD wanna find a full-time job plus her studies... dunno why she's so troubled... maybe i keep bugging her and clinging on to her like a leech bahz. Besides, she never say she still feels anything for me anymore. No longer bahz. Maybe is unsure, 'xi guan' or 'She Bu De' like she said bahz... Or what i think is she still feels pity for me coz i gave so much yet she can't return me anything. And so she still make me think i got a chance and hope i could give up with time... not sure... thought DD really loved me before, but now seems like she's really confused...On whether she loves me or loves being loved by me bahz... Hmmm, ok... oh well, will wait for DD to give her final verdict de... Like how i told her about gers waking up one day and totally have no feelings for you le. (just a recall of what i said to her) Not being naggy, know DD sometimes say "Mei Shi La", or "Mei You La", i know she nice coz she dun want me to say negative things that's why she tell some white lies now and then.I never blame her. Just hope i am the one she chooses bahz... haha, what am i saying... ok forget the last sentence please. Ok, one last Selokoh before i leave for home. Going to 9pm le...</p><p>"Bu Zhi Bu Jue" already 10 days have past since that night and day that DD spent in my house le. According to DD, she also missed that day, and hoped it never ended. Me too, so should we work hard towards that goal? My posting is getting laggier and laggier, so i think i should start my 101th post le bahz. If not everyday like that i think i everyday night shift. Caused it take me very long to wait for the cursor to be up then i can type. Haiz... ok, go home le... Tomorrow then see got things to say anotz bahz... Oh one more thing to add, the last time i went to Tanjong Pagar to meet DD, she never let me hold her hand le. So you know what is happening le bahz... Haiz, i too greedy le bahz...wished we still can hug and kissed like that day, with me as her hubby this time... And we're like reliving all the past memories at Maxwell food Centre that time bahz... wonder if i will tok to DD on the phone tonight. Hmm, keep on wondering bahz...<br /></p> <p>Back home again...bathed and eaten the left overs... eaintg a spoon of curry sauce and a spoon of rice... so pitiful... And here i am in front of my computer again... nope... DD never msg anything since this afternoon when she found out i transferred money into her acct.<br />Haiz... DD, i thought alot when i was bathing too, actually not alot lah... little bit... about those times when i failed to stand up for you when you get bullied. That's why as time grew, you thought of me as a weak person, constantly being bullied by frenz or other people... I'm not ok? So dun always say that... I should be the one protecting you, not the other way around. Do not worry, because there are two people in life there are the most dangerous, and people will be terrified if they knew and make them mad. The first is a mad person, and the second, is a person who dun want to live anymore. Kez... ok, not going to carry on.<br /></p> <p>What i'm trying to say is that dun keep thinking or saying you're not good enough for me or what, if anyone should be saying that, then i should say too. I admit i became xi guan and tired to your constant tempers too. And i may not be able to give you happiness in "some areas". I almost didn't realise it for the two months after we left... didn't realise that i'll be losing you to someone else... that's why i finally woke up. Like waking up from a long, deep sleep. Maybe all the arguements have shadowed my ever bright love for you. So its time to change things... Like i said b4, i've never dreamt that i would ever be able to stead with such a pretty and cute ger of my dream. Really... you're the ger of my dreams... which you appeared in them b4 also... kez... so i'm not lying or 乱来的。Just really can't stand the thought of other guys being with you... really... think i'm a very saturated jealous Bunz... kekez... Coz, Virgoians will continue to look and look for their One, their most closest to perfect de The One... so maybe this is the real reason why you stead with him so suddenly, you don't want to miss fate? Just guessing, coz DD don't want to tell me, and that time i dun want to pressure DD so much also. Pressing her for so much questions.<br /></p> <p>Although i can't say that i know what's on your mind or i know all the problems you faced. But i'm willing to be that guy. Even to replace that animal that you so trust... Try... I Will... like how Yoda would have said it... Never ever loved someone so deeply b4, never ever been so afraid to live without someone, and never ever missed someone so so much when she's not in my life anymore... Love sick... I am... kkz, Yoda again. And only the love medicine can cure the love in my heart.<br /></p> <p>No i dun, love you coz of your sweet heart-shaped face, coz of your fabulous shapely body, coz of your sweet sweet smile that melts all guys hearts, coz of your long silky hair, coz of your smooth soft skin, coz of your warm body which manages to warmed my body everytime, coz of your jokes and your silly songs, coz of your filial piety to relatives, coz of your kindess towards elderly, poor or disabled people, coz of your leadership and street-smart attitude, no... not because of all that then i'm so in love with you. All those are just plus points. I love you coz of the feelings we shared, the feeling of such sweetness and 幸福 when we hugged, kissed when we're together by each other, the times we went through (although short). Caring, worrying, loving and concerned for each other. Maybe if has been lost in your memories le. You just have to unlock them and take them out to refresh, like me. I know you don't always sleep so much, sometimes you will think about the past if something happens in your life that triggers that memory box.<br /></p> <p>I know i'm no handsome Bun like how you always say to cheer me up, and i got 自知知明。Everyone shoud know where they stand, and i'm not so negative as you think i am. Although i keep saying i can't give people good life. But i will try my best. Of course i can't shower them with material gains. But what's the use? Material gains you can work and earn money to buy them mahz... but simple happiness and love. You can't just buy it or pay an escort to shower you with it ritez? But rest assured i of course won't let my loved ones starved de lah... Although the path is rough and not good to walk. But i still believe, if two person's heart is linked as one. There's no obstacles that they can't overcome. Kekez... i sound more and more like a script writer le... hor DD? But these words really are how i feel. They came from my very Bread Heart... Although they're in pieces...<br /></p> <p>Nowadays if we talked or messaged, i may asked you again and again the same thing like dun believe you like that. But since from last time i already like that le. I know love can't go on without trust. Not love lah... i mean love, not ours... erm... err... you also haven confirm ritez? erm... ... ... you know what i mean lah. I may not sound like i trust you, but i really want to trust you again like how i did before. Whether you believe or not. And maybe you don't 希罕 me to trust you or anything. But i am willing to go through that mental, vigourous path again. Even if you're not willing. Or maybe i'm really too simple minded le. Maybe that's not what you hope to see happen. But like i said, all these are my heart-felt words. I want to give you another chance, if only you give yourself another one... I believed you remit money to your brother today lah, i just ask 'Song' only. So although you say you will show me the receipt, dun take it seriously kz? But i still appreciate you replying me. When i really dun trust you i will tell you not to lie to me de... Guess i can only believe her when she said they stead on the 31st, and they never did anything out of the ordinary... but DD seems hesitant to let him go... hmm, will take DD's word for it, if its not true must let me know immediately kz?<br /></p> <div style="text-align: left;">...Was lost for awhile, but when i went back to have a look at DD's blog to look for the picture of us together. Looking for the phrase "Fate will come by again" for my MSN message. Read abit on her July and June post. Found out something i missed again. Her being bothered by her studies, career and her family problems. Now i feel bad to asked her out almost every night this and last week. Not letting her have any rest/sleep at all, and forcing her to give me an answer. Or maybe i shouldn't put this two different things together. Maybe she's just looking for solitude in another guy... instead of me? ... But i saw the pic of us together. Taken in her hp (must be the best pic together, she should have chose), her blur look and my eye-bagged look. Me in baby blue Sammuel N Kelvin shirt that she brought with her bro when his here during holidats and her in baby pink MNG N You shirt that i brought with her in JB City Square.<br />... ... ... Looking at it put a smile on my face... a real smile which DD haven't see for quite some time le bahz... one word just appeared in my mind, "Sweet"... we were so sweet back then. Made me think that, she must have felt something back then when she was with me. Made me think that its just a mistake on her part that she'll accept the guy's love. But who chased who or if they just hugged and got together in Esplanade, that still remains unknown. <span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 255);"><br /><br />Thank you</span><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 255);"> for the simple</span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 102, 204);">happiness</span> <span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">u brought</span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">me....<br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" family="verdana" colour="#333333" >When time changes me, make me a better person who will learn to treasure n not to take things for granted....i hope for the day to come. Also i noe i shouldn't be crying cos...u told me not to....<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">"i think about u baby and i dream about u all the time..." - Doors down, here without u<br /><br /></span></span></span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" family="verdana" colour="#333333" >Think I was side-tracked again... Looking back at her blog, i found this phrase, together with the photo of us. Maybe the photo in her hp that she so doesn't want to delete. Are you being with him just to test whether you'll learn to treasure and not take things for granted? Are you doing what i say about not changing if you're alone. That you should at least find someone and work your temper on him? If you're really doing what i say, then i rather you do it on me. But if its not, then its ok. I won't pursue on an answer bahz. This phrase was written from your heart bahz, although dunno if its still valid right now. But i'm happy that you'll typed this. Long time never see le. Guessed i forgot le bahz. Gives me drive to go on forward. Although DD is not good with words mouth to mouth. But she's good with words written or typed. Will give you a sweet sweet feeling de. </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" family="verdana" colour="#333333" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span></span></span></div> <p style="font-family: arial;" align="center"> </p> <p><span style="font-family:arial;">Drifting off to sleep le (ok bring these sweet memories to DREAMLAND.com, wishing to see DD under that coconut tree we always met at), today stay at CMC (my office nam</span>e) so long, till so late 9pm. On the bus back wanan collapse le. K, DD i go to sleep le. Time now is 0100 hrs 11 August 2005, think DD, talking on the phone bahz... think only. going sleep le... Gd nite DD, hope you have a good sleep and sweet dreams to you. Erm, if you got nightmares or can't sleep or what, dun hesitate to tell me and i'll call you straight. ;|<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XI<br />11 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Time: 0103 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />Haiz 348 dis number run ard in 2dae 4D... Watcha doing nw?<br /></p> <p>Time: 0111 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />I reading my acct notes loh... sianz =p oh yah,looking at my fat legs.. Hoho<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...BB nt purposely wana say de lah.. i stil tink u look wonderful..c u so obessed over wana eliminate tummy so i shift ur target temporary onli mah..<br /></p> <p>Time: 0118 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />Shhh! Dun let TUMMY hear, later she make noise... Haiya, beary sian nw,yi mah cum.. U wan2 tok on d phone msg me bah. Can't realli study much nw oso...<br /></p> <p>Almost wanna K.O le, but still called DD and talked to her for awhile b4 going to sleep.<br /></p> <p>Time: 1430 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />"Whoever said english is easy?" Fill in the blank either with a Yes or a No. "____", I don't have a BRAIN!!!"<br /></p> <p>Time: 2044 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />At raffles city... Inside cafe cartel.<br /></p> <p>Time: 2314 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />Bb thx 4 sending me home =)<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Dun need ke qi... DD tink i saw ur ahma at d toilet there.. when i call her.. she dun rem me bahz.. charge me 10cents for d toilet.. dunn if its her anotz..D i noe u care and is still worried abt him, can c frm d look in ur eyes..call him bahz.. will wish d best for u 2 de. dun wry bt me. wil consider n go study..and leave t two alone..<br /></p> <p>Time: 2343 hrs 11 Aug 2005<br />Silly bunz anyhow think... Better 4 u mah study, den 2 find another part time job. Silly u, y dun use e kopi shop toilet. Nahz nt worried bout him lahz..Hugz<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...不要再 fu yan 我了好不好。。。u kept looking ard...u nt worried abt him but u still care for him..hope to c him n afraid tat he'll see us.. anyway, haf a nice rest..and slp early tonite..swt dreamz..take care.<br /></p> <p>Time: 0031 hrs 12 Aug 2005<br />U home oredi?<br /></p> <p>Yup, went down to Raffles City tonite to fetch DD back de... she went out with Peishi her Girl's Brigade officer she says... after that we went to Precious Thots to see her Bdae card for Gretel, and then we walked to Clarke Quay Singapore River there to sit. To slim down Tummy... On the way, i said i may be considering to study and she was very very very delighted... ... ... then we sat there to talked... i talked about my working day today... Then Joycelyn Babe called DD... and they talked loh... got two messages from Raffles Place till Clarke Quay... played with DD's hair... then after that time's up le. I accompany her to walk back to Tanjong Pagar stopping at 7-11 for a Cold drink. No more cold drinks during this period ok?<br /></p> <p>She held my hand as we walked... But as expected, when we reached near to her coffeeshop opposite her place. She let go... I followed her behind as we walked to the lift. She kept looking around and at the coffeeshop... dunno is hoping or afraid that He will sit there to wait for her... I told her b4 that he won't do such a thing. But no one believes me anyway... and i'm accustomed to it le... we went into the lift then sent her up. After that i got down and went to the toilet. Met DD's ah-ma but she doesn't remember me le bahz, thought i was just another guy who wants to use the toilet.<br /></p> <p>Messaged DD on what i want to tell her on the way back. Caused dunno when she'll see my blog again...Yar, although DD says she doesn't worry about him but for my other query she didn't answer, which means that she still cares for him... Well, of coz... nuff said... DD is just mouth hard, heart soft de... she's still waiting for him to call bahz... You can't fool me DD... And i know its my fault that made you all separate de... if not for me... you would've pick up his call or what le... Actually i've been clinging on to DD for too long le... And what i still dig back what she said in the past. Now everything becomes clear to me le bahz. As to why she still cried so badly after we said to "Separate"... Cause she feels sorry for me and because she got someone else le...<br /></p> <p>Like i said, the fact that you changed your mind on your words already is the best proved that i'm no longer in your heart. And at Clarke Quay, i took DD's hp and checked my name... she tried to stop me but too late... My name is Daniel Teng... and that is Really my name wadz... itz alrite... Its because of my selfishness that made you so troubled now... I shouldn't have appeared anymore... since you've already make your choice... I guessed now, your choice is still the same. You just treat me better coz you feel that you owe a person like me... I can feel love when i see one... if you truly loved me... then there shouldn't even be a decision to be made... you'd never have accepted him... but the fact is still a fact... It's just right there...<br /></p> <p>You're not responsible for Mr Emotion sitting on a roller coaster... I'm the one who is undecided... My date of expiry has been over long ago... They said b4, if you really love a person, then let her go, If she come back, she's yours. If not then, then maybe you all are not meant to be. It's up to her to realise your worth... Like how you told me in the beginning when we got together... that if a person wanna run away, even if you tie her leg to a metal ball she'll still run... What's the use of keeping DD with me when i can't make her heart stay? Right?<br /></p> <p>If i've never appeared again and talked to DD. Think she'll carry on to be with him bahz... standard de rite? Actually i'm the cause of my own emotional roller coaster. Cause i think too much, when i am left to let go only... DD would hoped that i let go of her too... Its because i found out too much already... haiz... drifting to sleep le... dun remember what i wanted to type anymore... just disappointed that the 8 months spent didn't have such an impact on you. I really can't grasp what's on your mind... if i didn't find out... then when are you going to tell me? Maybe you're just looking outside of the box to see whether there was a better catch...<br /></p> <p>I'm not a patient person and i'm not any good too. I shouldn't have forced you to make a decision. I know its selfish for me to do that, and you listen to me only because i caught you two together... ... ... Yar, i know you're afraid of stepping into marriage... and i really hoped i could changed your mind in the future... but... like they say... apply it in any way that you deem fit...<br /></p> <p><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Chance only come once, grab it while you can. It may never come by again..."<br /></span></span></p> <p>Will leave you alone... like i said... although it may be hard at first... but i will try my best... guess you don't dare to really tell me to... but i know you wish for it to happen. Besides, everytime i predict something right about you, you'll keep quiet de and silently agree... Really hoped that day and nite could continue and last forever... but... you're still people's gf, and i know we can't hold hands or kiss or hug or anything like that...<br />Temporary forget what to say le... will type if remembers de... K.O liaoz...<br /></p> <p>Time: 0124 hrs 12 Aug 2005<br />Haiz wat u saying... wat r u doin nw?<br /></p> <p>Time: 0210 hrs 12 Aug 2005<br />Hope u r sleeping nw in sweet dreamz<br /></p> <p>Time: 0255 hrs 12 Aug 2005<br />Bb u slp le har?<br /></p> <p>Hmm... guess i'll never fully understand what's on DD's mind... maybe relationships are just a pasttime only... her prioities are still studies and career, love is just a relaxation... Guess i gave her unseen pressures again from my messages... I really thought, believed and feel that DD and me are so in love together... but yet, i was wrong. Guess my feelings aren't 100% correct anyway... I don't know what to expect and what i want anymore... I really don't know le... Going out with DD, sometimes happy, sometimes disappointed... maybe its because i think too much or i expect to much or my one-sided feeling for her too much and too possessive le bahz... Strangleling my DD...<br />I guess i'm mistaking her kindess or care for a fren like me into love bahz... Haiz... But as i see all the couple in NUS, the fact already shows that gers expect their bfs to be rich or handsome or.... etc. And what can a ChaoTaBun like me give? Yup, i guess, being a human you really have to be "Zhi Zu" bahz... if not, keep changing and changing, keep wanting to strive for a better one, where will you end up then? Maybe after lots of tries... just maybe... you'll find the PERFECT one bahz... maybe...<br /></p> <p>Just hope you'll forgive me for being like that... the emotional roller-coaster thingy... i know i'm thinking too much and guessing too much, that's explains the mood-swings bahz... suspecting, guessing, imagining, thinking... i know all of this will lead to my downfall... and its not good for us... erm... IF we ever wanna be together again... ... ... slowly losing myself to my wild guesses & imaginations. But hope you can understand why i feel like that... Just wished that you were in my shoes, in my brain, my mind, my heart... then maybe you'll know why i'm like that... Aaargghh...<br />Kekez, guessed the stupid Bunz, put too much heart sauce into baking his heart shaped Bread le bahz... Put too much become so sweet that Little Piglet doesn't like it... What to do now? Take things as it come, one at a time loh...<br /></p> <p>If i've never appeared again after i knew about you two. Guessed you'll be much happier right now rather than feeling stressed everytime you talk to me... Like you say b4, guy loving you too much will give you pressure, but if the guy dun care about you, you'll be worried for him. Think you're talking about the comparison between me and him bahz that time at the coffeeshop... Not your view on love strange lah DD, its me... Coz your heart see me so "ke lian" but your mind cannot permit your heart to love someone whose so lousy like me... If i've never appeared again... maybe you'll just forget about me, about the things we've said and become just another of your 'frenz' who will never be seen/contact in a long time le bahz... The reason you wanan consider may be i know of you two le. Then you feel sorry that you've hurt me so much, so you force yourself to put your heart towards Him on standby. Till i can give up on you. Then you'll continue with him. Am i right?<br />Hmmm, if i never appear, you won't feel so troubled le... make you force yourself to say that you'll make a decision... when if i don't appear at all, you'll continue to be with him...<br />I know you care and is worried about me... I know you dun want to see me drink and see me so hurt, that's why the nite and day happened, rite? Rite? ... that's why you let me feel that i still stand a chance... ... ... Don't know what i'm saying anymore... Even right or wrong, you won't tell me de... so what can i do, except keep on assuming... ... ... assuming till i go crazy bahz...<br />If you really love him, then let me know and i'll "Chen Quan" you two bahz... i guess...<br />Don't know... guess you read my blog when you dun even understand yourself is not good bahz... Maybe that will lead you to believe in what i say is really how you feel... bahz...<br /></p> <p>Don't even know how i want things to happen le... Just wished i could turn back time bahz... when DD will love me again... but these are all my wishful thinking only... Guess i'll live in the past from now on. How i hoped DD would say something, like i'm wrong, or she doesn't feel the way i'm assuming and guessing. But, DD kept silent always... Think DD tired and 'xi guan' le bahz... Hmm... say something can? DD... or you dunno what to say again... ... ...<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XII<br />12 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Time: 1815 hrs 12 Aug 2005<br />Bb u still in office har? Eat oredi?<br /></p> <p>Time: 0412 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Is it dat u r avoiding me or haf u fallen sick?<br /></p> <p>After work yesterday, went down to meet 2 of my poly frenz. Didn't wanna go at first de. But in the end still followed. Quite sianz loh, everytime i go out with my frenz or army frenz. Coz the stoopid Bunz me will always think of DD (last time), then will try to msg her see she can go out anotz... then will leave halfway to meet her. But of course she doesn't do that when she's with her frenz. We went Marina Square to eat Changing Appetite, they say i looked like a zombie (死气沉沉）because i don't talked and pulled a long face... after that we wanted to go Harry's Bar de.. But there playing Jazz. We also went to the roof of Esplanade, very windy and very nice place... will bring a ger there in future bahz...<br />They wanted to end it early and go home de, coz can't find any cheap and nice place to drink their wine or liquor de... Should have known, they always saving money. In the end, we walked over to the Merlion that side, and to a nice ambience open air-conned drinking place. We shared a Jug of Whisky 7-up there... They didn't save on the Whisky, but think i K.O on the bus and at home wasn't because of that drink. Think because i was too tired, and my mind stretched to its limit le bahz. We left at 11+pm bahz... But i reached home at 2am... Clarence sent me to the old National Library to take bus with ger (fren). Then there we talked about studies and lots of things.<br /></p> <p>Then she started to ask me something i've also been wondering all my life... <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"Why do we exist in this world?</span>" To study, work, married, have illnesses and die? Its because we saw a cat. And she started saying the cat very 'ke lian'. After birth have to be independent, everywhere is their home, going from place to place and finding their own food. Then i started to talk to her...<br /></p> <p>Then we started talking about relationship... I told her my problem... She end up saying that she was like her... and i was like an ex of hers... Stubborn, Stoopid, Refuse to accept the truth...<br />Like the ex of her whose waiting, for 3 years le, still waiting. From her view, just 'playing' with the guy only. Said that all DD said de is all what she did last time... I know i'm stubborn and doesn't listen to people's advice no matter how many people i asked say the same things. Then ger tell me, i know what she wanna say... then i interrupt her and say first... "Since i dun wanna listen to other people's advice, why do i ask in the first place right?" <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">What for i asked?</span> Just like what she wanted to say me. Then i defended myself, saying that if everybody follows the same thing, which person would stay till the end, embracing in what he truly believes and loves in... Yar, everyone says she's selfish and i'm just a substitute whenever she feels down or quarrel with other guys bahz...<br /></p> <p>Yar, everyone told me, that since she've already lied to me, there's no point in staying anymore... she's already with another guy, do i still naively believed that they didn't do anything? Told me she's don't want to accept me but still dun wanna let me go... Told me alot of how gers like them think and feel... coz ger is like that also... all gers are like that le bahz...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">They are like fishing, they can have alot of baits, but they still choose in the end, who they want to pull up. And the other fishes will be left to struggle with the hook in their mouth.</span> Gers just enjoy the courtship... while guys enjoy sex only... Gers who steads with lots of guys is not because of sex, just because they enjoyed the feeling and thrill of being “疼” and sayang, while of course most guys outside find other girls is because of sex and not this feeling. Not entirely for sex, for girls i mean... Yar, that i know too... Then i said, maybe they do a trade, girls accepting other guys maybe trade sex for the love they feel, so both of them get what they want. And after that? Moved on to find another one?<br />... haiz ... yar, this is life... i know... Ger says its because of the education system nowadays. More gers can study higher, then their perceptive will change. The gers nowadays also not like before le, faithful to their husbands and respect them, coz before only the guys support the family and they're the sole breadwinner of the family, the “一家之主”. Now with more education, gers dun have to rely on guys le. "With More Education, Comes More Fooling Around". Next generation onwards will be more 乱来 and messy in their lives. Yar i know guys should fight for their career, got career and money no scare no gers want... even if that's not true love anymore... Since you all were brought up like this, there's nothing more for me to say...<br /></p> <p>Ger say i 惨了，drop inside liaoz, still dun want to let people rescue. Yar, maybe i'm really stubborn, dun wanna listen to people. But she shoot me, if i really believe in my feelings, why do i still ask people? I know how life works, know why everything happen, i just chose not to accept reality only... I'm just a 逃避现实 Bunz。Yar, even if i got DD back now or in a few years time... don't know by then how many steads she have before already... and i know we could never ever be back like before... that's why i dun want to quarrel with her last time... dun wan to hurt our relationship and this to happen... Ger say i'm just like her stead, dun wanna accept... haiz... I told her people say what i won't listen de... even if i caught DD red-handed doing something, think i also will forgive her bahz... i'm like that stoopid de... But the only difference in me and her ex is that at least she told him to give up and there's no chance in hell le... but for DD, she still seems undecided bahz... and its because of ger's ex look at her hp secretly, and she thinks that since he dun trust her, that's why she ended their relationship.</p> <p>Ger say my “心太软” and that she already “吃定你了”。Say i resembles those guys which she used to cheat last time... ... ... as in easy to cheat... very easy... Yes, i'm hopeless, hopelessly in love with her... no one understands why i love her so much that make me so hurt and in pain... Everyone is telling me about looking for greener pastures... but in the end, ger also gave up saying me le... coz, i'm also like a cow... "Moo". I'm under a spell le, no one can help... just like her ex, she just let him continue to wait loh, wait for something that won't ever happen. Cause, gers won't “吃回头草” de。Cause after one they will look forward, and look for more and more different guys, why would they try something they've already eaten before... What has this world come too... Sigh...<br /></p> <p>She told me something i find interesting although its normal... she asked, give a ger choose between “面包和爱情”, which one will they choose. Yes, they'll definitely choose “面包”, but... ... ... but... i'm Both... haha... haiz... after that i see until ger got onto the bus then i got onto my niterider, closed my eyes and think of what we said... think till i K.O on the bus. But at least still managed to wake up at my stop. Then i walked back home alone... Alot clearer liao, coz a “当事人” told me her story... although i ask people what to do... but i guess i won't really listen and follow bahz... But she also say its true, “男人不坏，女人不爱”。<br /></p> <p>Yes, although she's all this and the whole F**king life is like that... I know how the game of life works... but i just dun wanna win in that game... Yar, DD know my weakness liaoz... will continue to attack from there bahz... haiz... is there really no way to turn back time? Why is life like that?<br /></p> <p><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">“人生就是一个骗局”。"Since i've realised and understood everything, the question is what will i do next?"</span><br /></p> <p>Yar, sad to know there isn't any true love in this world liaoz... its time to wake up...<br />Not expecting or asking for anything in this F**k up world anymore... I don't like hypocrite, i dun wanna be one... but... i could have all that i want, if i became a demon... a bastard... have to leave my angel heart behind le... Just that i rather die than change... i know i'm stubborn... but... there isn't any choice le is it? “成魔吧”<br />Two can play this game, anyone can... just pick your mask to wear...<br />Leave my old crust behind and change... the old good uncleming a.k.a ChaoTaBun, will be lost , no more, this day... 13th August 2005.<br /></p> <p>Time: 1353 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Bb are u alrite??Can i call u? Fallen sick har?<br /></p> <p>Yes, i've always said DD is the smart one... and i'm the real stupid one... Scheming, manupulative? All gers possess that bahz... and maybe their tears are their secret weapon... although people use to say that its crocodile tears and their words are bullshit... but i chose to believe them bahz... if i'm wrong, then let me be wrong bahz...<br /></p> <p>I had a dream this morning, about 4+ - 6+ am... yeap, that dream woke me up for a toilet break. Although i fell into a deep sleep. But i still dreamt it... Dreamt that i saw DD with another guy (not her current bf) at Bukit Batok Station. But yet the surroundings doesn't resemble Bukit Batok MRT Station. It looks like a place i've gone to in previous dreams. Can't remember how to describe it... just a long road with buildings and shopping centres very close by. Don't think there's any place in Singapore that resembles that place... Once i saw her, i turned around and left with my fren... Clarence or Max... it was when she started leaving with her bf too... then she saw me... and called... BB... i turned around to see her and her bf... then suddenly, we were at the staircase talking/confronting with them. Forgot what happenend le, either i killed/hit her bf, kana hit, or i just left after talking... Then again i ended up in a eating house, totally sian le... drinking i think... two tables... Max and/or Clarence was on the table on the right. I and Jane/ger were on the left-hand side table...<br />Think i was nearly in tears (watery eyes) anger and sadness filled me... Jane passed me a tissue saying the same thing that Max just told me... Forget about her, dun bother her, she's not worth it... then i pointed my finger straight at Jane/ger with my fingers shaking... And told her "You have no idea, no idea... how much i love her or something..." That was when i woke up... with no answers made or answered... During the dream, everything seems so real... Hmmm... maybe its just a figment of what happened yesterday night when i went drinking with ger, Clarence and Jiemin (guy) representing the four person. And Jane/ger talking to me representing what we talked in the morning. And my reaction, representing how i feel inside... And her with her bf, representing the scene i saw, mixed with the words ger told me... Its all in the mind bahz...<br />“日有所思，夜有所梦”。Go Figure...<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XIII<br />13 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Sent msg: Wana go makan for dian xin or yong tau foo tonite?<br /></p> <p>Time: 1832 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Rem 2 find something 2 eat kz. If u got plans 2nite go ahead yar, cos i scare u wait den bore at hm... Drink water ,hope ur fever's gone..<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: If u gt plans tonite juz say lah..is it so difficult? seems like asking/msging u is my wrong...forget it.<br /></p> <p>Sent msg: U wid hm? wan to c u...<br /></p> <p>Time: 2158 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Wru?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: outside... wrU?<br /></p> <p>Time: 2200 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />At jurong point... U eaten?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...Yar<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...i go find u?<br /></p> <p>Time: 2205 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Later i go find u bah... where will u b in an hour?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: jurong point... or my place there bahz...<br /></p> <p>Time: 2208 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />I head home first can...<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Then i mit u at ur place bahz.<br /></p> <p>Time: 2212 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Alrite... Ard 11.45...<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: K...<br /></p> <p>Time: 2348 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />U reach le mah?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Gg to... u leh?<br /></p> <p>Time: 2350 hrs 13 Aug 2005<br />Me ah, at home le! Ok,i go wait 4u at my hse downstair. Cya!<br /></p> <p>Time: 0002 14 Aug 2005<br />Wru?<br /></p> <p>Time: 0215 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />Safely hm. U hop unto e cab oredi?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Yup..wil get hm..u take d medi and slp well bahz..nitez..<br /></p> <p>Time: 0231 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />Took my medicine le... Waiting 4u 2get home =) bb thx 4 cuming all d way bring me go eat... Hugz<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...k...i reaching too..u go slp 1st bah.. .... .... erm... tot u say u were gona listen to me and let him go.. guess u've made ur decision le... thx for at least letting me know. rch hm le..dun worry. get sum rest.<br /></p> <p>Time: 0235 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />U shower liao den call me bah... I holding my phone.<br /></p> <p>Met DD at 12 midnite at her place... press and transfer money before we took a cab down to Henderson Pasar there to eat the late nite Yong Tau Foo... saw the coffeeshop de uncle... think he must feel confused why DD going out with two different guys simultaneously... DD looked shagged, looks exhausted as well as swollen... like she just sleep for an hour or so only then wake up... Dunno what happen... Seems like she went Jurong Point, all the way down to meet her bf... whose staying at Boon Lay, say just to pass some book to her bf's bro... seems that they've started contacting again, cold war end le bahz, and maybe she've apologize to him or the other way round... Anyway they're back together again... When i asked how they are now? DD just gave me a "dunno/like that loh" shrug of her shoulder and tilt of her head...<br /></p> <p>She've got a new silver bracelet, think her bf brought for her at Jurong Point de bahz... and she wore and protected it, touching it now and then... kez... ... ... -_-<br />Yup, after that i sent her home. Her head is spinning again according to what she say... Held her hand as i walked with her to get a cab... seems like she was in pain or blurred, she cling on to my arm... haiz... should have meet her at my place, then she dun have to go home risking her auntie's scolding... and she could rest at my place with my care... Hugged her tightly as i waited for a cab to arrived... Anyway, i held her in the cab and although we decide very long, in the end ask the cab to wait for me loh... Think DD wanna sleep early that's why she wants me to take the cab instead of walking to take the bus... So we asked the cab to wait below, as i walked DD to the lift and sent her home... gave her a sweet kiss and hugz... after that i got down and into the cab and went home...<br /></p> <p>Asked her the question in hp, but after i got home, bathe le and called her, she didn't say much... sound wanna K.O le so we said tomorrow then talked bahz... then we hanged up... she doesn't seem to have anything to talked to me le, face to face or on the phone... guess her feelings for me really vanished le bahz... no matter what i do now, she is also blinded... coz right now i'm no longer in her heart... she can only see what her bf do for her...<br /></p> <p>Ok, yesterday had a dream again... when i woke up its about 6+ am also... same thing... think it inter-connects/relates to when i was with her... but always it seems like there's another extra person... this was what happen in my dream: Dreamt that i went out with DD, and ah-yek bahz... the third person always can't remember properly, only can remember me and DD very clearly. And seems like the third person is always someone i never seen for a long long time... de... if tonite got dreams again, will carefully see who she/he is... Ok, then we went out eat i guess (relating to the Yong Tau Foo)...<br />Then after that we walked across a open squared ground, (the place where i ate with DD, there's a squared open ground in the centre of all the coffee shops, the same one in my dream except my dream one stretches much further). Anyway, they ran off first as it was gonna rain... I face away from them and squat down to light my cigarette. As i turned around, can only see their legs, running off into the sheltered houses. They didn't turn back to see if i was behind them... they just ran off... As it began to rain heavily, i just walked on slowly in the rain and smoking... When i entered the sheltered shop houses, i couldn't see them. So i walked across the road to a coffeeshop opposite to see if they were there...<br />They weren't at the opposite, but the coffeeshop blasted their music very loud... playing the song by Eason Chen “十年”。I sang along as i snuffed out my cigarette and stand in the rain waiting to cross the traffic junction singing out loud... (relating to when i & DD was drinking after the Yong Tau Foo, i was humming the “十年” song too...). Saw them at the junction across bahz... as i walked over slowly when the 'green man' turns on, in the rain... As DD saw how sorrowful i was... When i reached there, they dunno say what... think is "C'mon, let's go" or something, that was when i followed them and woke up bahz... can't remember much le... I wrote down what i remembered... If i was in a coma, then maybe i could be with DD in my dreams forever bahz...<br /></p> <p>Wondered if DD had a nice dreamless sleep... She ran alot of places yesterday, that's why so tired... met alot of people bahz... If she called me after she woke up today, guess she'll let me know why she chose him bahz... and if i'm lucky, she'll let me know her choice from her mouth...<br />Hope so bahz...<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XIV<br />14 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Sent msg: Guessed u wake up le bahz..feeling better ur head?<br /></p> <p>Time: 1404 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />Yeah juz woke up, sitting on my bed... Whole body numb numb n weak. Very blur..Drownsy<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...coz of d medi lah..i bring u go c doc? if nt u rest at hm and get mre rest bahz...<br /></p> <p>Sent msg: Lots of hugz and kissez for u so tat u feel better and can receover soon. if later u need anything juz gif me a call. or if u wan me to go dwn n accompany u for a porridge dinner, let me know. no trouble at all k? DearDear... ...muackz.<br /></p> <p>Time: 1825 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />Bb i got up le, after i perspire... Wru le?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Stil at hm waiting for ur call..<br /></p> <p>Time: 1950 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />Bb, U bought e small o big one? Reach which station le? Hungry mah?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: I bought d small one..they say can fit A4 but i nvr try..nw recall d hole..nt sure can anot.. if u dun like nxt time then cahnge or buy big one loh..small one easier for u bah n nicer..at commonwealth le..nt hungry..but i noe u r..<br /></p> <p>Time: 1954 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />I nt hungry lahz =) nw trying 2 do homework...Wait 4u. U tired mahz?<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Walking towards ur hse le.<br /></p> <p>Time: 2251 hrs 14 Aug 2005<br />Thx 4 e dinner n going all e way 2 get e bag 4 me... Haf sum rest on d bus k.. Get hm safely. Wait 4ur call while i do my hmwork le...<br /></p> <p>Went to Jurong Point to get DD the black bag with purple lining like she wanted... Then went down to Tanjong Pagar to bring her to eat porridge although we walked around for very long then sat down to eat. Haiz... when i was walking fast to her block and waiting for her to come donw... something hit me that her current bf may be The One for her. Or at least is her One right now... At least he got the luxury of DD going all the way down to his place/home to accompany him walk... and i'm sure he doesn't have to wait for DD like i'm waiting... DD cared alot about him bahz... i can tell... not that i say DD dun care about me... but come to think about illnesses... When i had my strange illness when we're together... could only remember DD flaring her temper, everytime it pains or when i went to the toilet too long... come to recall, really was very hard pain... that she doesn't care...<br /></p> <p>Anyway, we went to have porridge, and yup... DD held my hand not letting me hold her hand... when we were crossing over to the other side via MRT escalator, she asked me once again... “为什么你还对我那么好？” Erm... guessed i've already answered that question b4 le bahz... think DD was hoping that i say something else bahz... like how i always hoped she'd said... Anway, after the porridge, i talked alittle bit cock to her, wondered if it got into her head... i think not...<br />About her not talking to Inez so fierce... and not lying to her bf that she's out eating alone... etc.<br />Talked about having a clear consicence bahz... In whatever we do...<br /></p> <p>After dinner she went to buy ice kachang and red bean soup for her uncle. And strangely, she asked if i wanted to go up to her place to sit. Then i say ok loh... but till i sent her up, she was asking if i felt pai seh, and if i mind, then come again next time... But in the end, i still went to her house... Still when we approached her coffee house, she let go of her hand, although i held it again... but in the end... she wanted to pull away, feinting that she have to wipe her sweat... what can i do but let go and walked off... haiz... why am i holding on and hoping of a lost love which never will come back... guess she's really afraid of the same thing that will happen again le bahz... but i assure you her bf will NEVER EVER wait for her at her void deck de... HAIZ...<br />Although i and her uncle and auntie nothing much to talked about, just watch TV there bahz and saw Inez for the first time... late le, nothing much i could do too... she was asking her aunt how to do her accounts question... Went back at 11pm+ bahz... When she hinted me to go off... She sent me to the lift... as we give each other hugz and kisses...<br /></p> <p>As i walked to take the bus alone... i thought of msging her something... hoping she'll reply me by tomorrow bahz... she just called me to say gd nite only... think she called her bf while i was on my way home... yup... she gotta work tomorrow... starting her job le... know that i'm not the first guy to know it anymore...but least i still got to know it...<br />I'm really an idiot... But love really come and go in a turn of an eye... no matter how close you both are... there will be a day, which both of you will become strangers... when either one of them "翻脸不认人的时候,你真的不知道该如何是好." -quoted from Vietnam of 真情.<br /></p> <p>Let's see if she'll reply me with a not an answer de answer or her usual reply of "不知道, 没有啦, 那里有." DD, you have to face it one day, and have to stop running from it all, like you've been running all your 21 years...<br /></p> <p>Sent msg 1: DD, i noe nw is nt d best time 2 ask u this wid u sick, n gotta work n stuff. I noe i asked tis qn lots of times, n i noe u'll get mad at me 1 day. But if like u say, u've never pity me b4. Could u pity me tis 1 time, and tell me? That u luv him instead of me le. At least let me noe ur choice, or if u want time 2 think, hw long u need 2 haf an ans 4 me. Pls, i really wana hear ur say, i noe i shouldnt force u. Juz go to slp n reply me if u gt time by tml,<br /></p> <p>Sent msg 2: Thank you DD... thx... for looking at tis msg, gd nite. Bu yao zai fu yan wo le hao bu hao? Like after d other time we talked at d stairs of ur floor... R u really moving off wid life and nt wanting abit to go back to how we were b4? R u really happy and xin fu-lly in luv wid him? I juz wana knoe tats all... Sweet Dreams to you. Continue to sleep take your time...<br /></p> <p>Will send this msg in the morning when DD is sound aslp... dun/ain't wanna disturb her sleep... coz she gotta wake up early tml... will she msg me when she wake up like she say she would???... hmmm... Time for me to sleep too... Afternoon shift tml... no time to meet her in the weekdays... maybe she got no time for me also... her bf, her studies and her work... having her perfect normal life... only i'm the odd one out...<br />Gd nite... Hope i could get an answer from her tml... That's the only thing i can hope for now... i've done alot of things... but sad to say, i still failed to touched her heart... coz my reserved place is never there/not there anymore...<br /><br /></p> <p><br />Day XV<br />15 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Time: 0602 hrs 15 Aug 2005<br />U din slp after i put down e phone till nw? Time 4 u 2 slp...<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: I did lah...juz tat i waited til i woke up then msg u..coz i din wan U to lose slp... go back to slp..u stil ca rest awhile longer..<br /></p> <p>Time: 0605 hrs 15 Aug 2005<br />U go rest abit longer too =)<br /></p> <p>Time: 0821 hrs 15 Aug 2005<br />Take care =) me on d way 2 work le...<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: U take care too...<br /></p> <p>Sent msg: Hw was ur first day at work? hope it was smooth and hope ur bag was nice to use.. take care..guessed ur tired le bahz...<br /></p> <p>Time: 1940 hrs 15 Aug 2005<br />=) bag was pretty.. U had dinner oredi? Rem 2 eat. Me in class nw. Abit blur liao... Drink water hor.<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: ...juz ate finish..u rem to eat too...erm.. haf more rest when ur back..take care...bahz..<br /></p> <p>Time is 2019 hrs, 15 August 2005. Yeap, still waiting for DD's reply msg. DD... just wished you understand why i'm still here after all that've happened... But currently... think its very hard bahz... DD, u know that no matter what happen... no matter how bad people say gers like you all are... i refused to believe them... no matter what happens... i still stand at your side... maybe people out there may say that i'm an idiot, stoopid... etc. But even though you're really taking me for an idiot and playig me like a fool or what... i've no regrets... coz i sincerely believed you're a good-natured, kind-hearted ger... maybe in terms of relationship, you may not handle it well. And i'll never fully understand why you stead with him... makes me feel like a third party or a substitute... which i dun care... people may say that you take love like a child's game, ger who plays around, not serious or maybe just that you need lots of love and care to be showered upon you by different guys... Or maybe you just wanna carry on playing not wanting to commit too much bahz... etc. but... but... i still have faith in you... I still love you as much as i do the first time i held you i my arms... I'm not asking you to commit yourself or anything... really... Aren't you a little happy or xin fu with me? Like you always used to say, or are those lies too?<br /></p> <p>Maybe you may laugh at my stoopidity deep in your heart for believing you. But i never give up on what i believe... Or maybe in your heart, there's no me anymore... your feelings have died for me... but i just wana gif all that i can... One day... maybe one, you'll understand what/how i'm feelig right now... but by then... i may not be by your side le... someone closed to you or your chose one may have won that place i your heart. And by then, by then... maybe u wun have the phobia of getting married le... I only hope one day, you'll understand and may it be soon bahz...<br />Muz cherish and take care of your own body and soul kz? I'm doubting how much words that i've said now will go inside... maybe i'm just a Bunz playing a piano to you... I understand how you growed up with... all those pressure and everything you gotta keep to yourself... of course you'll hope to have people to sayang you...<br /></p> <p>Maybe you already have no feelings for me le... or didn't have any in the first place... i know its hard for me to accept... but as long as you're telling the truth and dun lie to me... it may be long... but one day, i'll accept it and leave you alone... But you just have to be clear, true to yourself... very worried about what you doing with him... But i guess, i'm in no position to asked, to care or have the rights to know... But i hope you truly loves him... if there's gonna be a edible thing that's gonna be real sad and may dwell in his hopelessness for ever...<br /></p> <p>But, love may have already blossomed too much for you and him to keep back le... but the main thing is, what you feels for me bahz... Stop lying le... please... its really a bad habit for you... remember you always asked me why i treat you so good, even when u lie to me, dun care for me, treat me like dirt? Caused, i know you're not accustomed to people treating you good bahz...<br />Dun keep saying you've a bad life, there's why you muz have a better future... Maybe if people treat you bad and dun care about you, you'll feel better and much relaxed... Coz i've already take it as my duty and what i want, to take care of you, to care for you and to love you with all my heart for as long as i'm around... although you may never return me with 100%. I'm willing to give it a try and hope that one day, you'll be touched by my heart and loved me the way i've loved you... just a hope only... although the percetage of things like that being a success is none... Usually, people just let go... and maybe they'll regret when its too late to change anything again...<br />Most importantly is dun wait till its too late bahz... to tell the truth, to tell someone you dun like him, to make people understand or to cherish everything/everyone around you.<br /></p> <p>I've said all that i've believe and held on to all this while... if in your heart, you still bear to lie to me and play with my truthful heart (now in your hands). Then, so be it... and let me continue to believe and love a ger whom i was wrong to have give so much trust and faith in bahz...<br />Thx DD, if you're lying to me or really true to me those days when we're together... i really enjoyed them... really... of coz is those days when we're not quarrelling and happy together...in a world of our own... i'll still continue to build that dream we have... except alone or anot, its up to you whether you wana join me by my side anotz bahz... Or maybe as you stead with more guys... you hope that the memories with me will slowly washed away from your mind and new memories will take up bahz... The path is up to you to choose...<br /></p> <p>Back home again... waiting for DD's reply... Time: 0000 hrs. DD never reply my question... called me... just tell me not to think too much... how not to? Unless you tell me you and him never do anything funny? ............................haiz... ok... ..........ok...<br />Hear DD sneeze so loud in my ear... sick again... saying its retribution... no...retribution doesn't come in fever nor flu... it comes in... eh... remember what i said? Good... then dun tell so much harmful lies next time... white lies can tell once in a while... I've known the answer le... just waiting for DD to dealt the final blow to FINISH ME... like i've said b4...<br /></p> <p>Thinking the whole day about why DD say "Why do you still luv me so much, when i treat u like this?" ... haiz... guessed she's just guilty bahz... i used to say that to a fillipino stead of mine... (kez, not really fillipino lah) the only ger in my record which i end it with her de... coz i anyhow stead with her... coz i'm lonely bahz... bad of me... but better to end it early then late... i used to ask her the same thing... What i'm trying to say? What i'm trying to say is if someone asks you that? That means you're in deep shit... that means...that person already DUN LOVE YOU LIAO. That's why they ask, why you're so good to them althought they DUN LOVE YOU LIAO! Understand? I used that b4, that's why i know... just hope DD gets better bahz... working in a air-conned office... will get a sweater for her if i still got meet her bahz... ... ... IF...<br />Then wait till she gets better then wait for her to reply me my question bahz...<br />See how long she's gonna dragged... haiz ... Take care and drink more water... Awww noh noh noh... one day at work already flu le... coz ur body system weaken by the fever virus, that's why you'll get cold so easily... you're a warm Piglet... Lava Piglet... where will so easily get cold de... not like me ... ICE -Cream Bunz...so COLD... kz lah...have a gd nite rest... sweet dreams... Will keep my ears open for your call if you can't sleep de... Nitez... Although i ask her to call other "people" instead... sigh...<br />Oh yar... the other time i msn with DD, she asked me not to think too much, if not will age fast fast de... but i oredi so old liaoz... doesn't matter lah... the only person who can make me stop thiking is the person who ask me not to think too much... ??? Dunno what to answer her lah...even i say Nope, never think... she will believe mehz? Deceiving myself only... Remember:<br />"You can deceive people, but you cannot deceive yourself de..."<br />Take care of yourself...<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XVI<br />16 August 2005<br /></p> <p>TIme: 2000 hrs, didn't heard from DD since yesterday night when she was sick... wondering if she's back home after her work. Cause she doesn't have classes today. Or maybe she's with her bf outside bahz... Her bf will take care of her de... yup. Thought about lots of things... always fickle-minded myself bahz... always wanting to disappear and leave her alone happy, and on the other side, back again to disturb her with my constant msges and calls... haiz... Why i till now also dun want to give up? Why? I know DD is waiting and hoping that i gave up... but still i still stayed like the dog i am... the reason she left with another guy straight after we separated, shows everything le... what for am i asking her if she really loved him some more... its not like DD will pity me and tell me the truth... she never will...<br /></p> <p>I wanted so much to believe her... really... i really believed her those few nights when she accompanied in the night... crying tear after tear... haiz... i really would have wait for the 2 years for her... but in the end... seems that she's just trying to "Fu Yan" me... she never meant it in the first place... never meant to change, never meant to come back to me, never meant to do the things she wanted to do... coz even with me around, she can still do the things she wanted, like study and work... so on so forth... like what she's doing right now... she's working and studying, but yet she can have a bf... haiz...<br /></p> <p>When i was waiting for the bus to Sunset Way today, closed my eyes and i think of the scene with them holding hands again... i noe DD, that you're only lying to me, that you'll let him go... coz maybe you wished i'll be happier if i knew... But i know that you dun want to let go of him de... and you'll let go of me and put everything behind shows that you've gotten over me le... Besides i'm nothing good anyway, and you're not happy with me de... always asking you who called or whatever... haiz... what's gonna happen now? Seems that you've chosen to be with him and not think about us anymore... maybe that's the path you've chosen... and i know you will chose that path... because its easier this way bahz... and you dun have to think so much... I know you all will choose the easy way out de... who wants to go the complicated way anyway right?</p> <p>I really hope that from now on... if we ever got a chance to talk in the future, please dun lie to me anymore... it hurts so much... really... think you never experience before, you won't know the feeling... maybe because i wasn't hiding anything from you in the first place, and you hid alot from me, and bluffed me somemore... I will continue to wait for a reply that will never make my hp ring again... I know you will not msg me... with the answer de... ... haiz... but i'll still wait... even till years later when you've got a dozen bfs le...i'll still be watiing for that old question... coz i'm a stubborn old bread... Just sad that we can't be together... but... go strive for your future bahz... like i say... i dun treat you well... any guy you find outside who loves you and is your bf will treat you the same way i did...<br /></p> <p>Remember the other time you msg me about he quarrel we had at Geylang? Hope that was true and you wasn't hard up for that... guess i still can't accept you in the arms of another guy, kissing with another guy, being close... so close to another guy bahz... and ETC. haiz... dun wana say any more... there're children reading my blog... you know what i mean... and besides, you're not mine to be called anymore... i can't say much somemore... but i know all has been done le... even if you lie to me that you all didn't do anything... haiz... talking about this makes my heart bleed... dun say le... i rather deceive myself in this... you'll always be my pure baby in my heart...<br /></p> <p>Time: 2025 hrs 16 Aug 2005<br />Watching tv Or bz with work nw? Gt eat anot?<br /></p> <p>This will be my biggest regret in my life bahz... not being able to continue till the end... now i know what it means by a couple in a minute and the next, we became strangers... really appreciate you asking me up to your place... although its last minute and alittle late for your family... didn't give them much notice bahz... all in their relaxed attire...kekez... thx... I know you did that just to honour your promise of bringing me back last year when you said it... glad that you still remembered.<br /></p> <p>Take good care of yourself... Dun stead with people you dun love... dun "Pian Yi" people and "Loogi" yourself and those who really loves you... just telling you only... not nagging... But if you really love ppl/him then be firm, and dun lie... and be happy with him bahz... But anyway, like i've said a thousand times, you are sure of your own feelings de... you won't stead or agree to be with someone you don't really like de... yar, of course everyone got their own good qualities and bad... but you just dun compare using that... you compare by the feelings you have... for them... i too, can like a lot of people... whether is their figure, face, height, character or their "Zuo Feng"... But in my heart, i only loved one ger... only her... no matter how many times she let me down... I still hope for the day, when a miracle will happen and she will ove me back again, and really regretted what she've done and sincerely wanna correct her mistakes and make it up to me, and to prove all my assumtions wrong... prove all that i've said her are partly wrong... and that i've wronged her... ... ...<br />But that is another reality in another dimension or another life bahz...<br /></p> <p>I've lost a part of myself this year, its not because DD is the first ger i loved that's why i;m so clinged onto her... no... coz she's special to me bahz... we did alot alot of things together during those 8 months... and i sincerely believed that, same as me, she still recall some of those memories, playing it back through her mind, no matter how busy she is... although she've gotten a new bf so fast... actually not fast lah..they also coming to 3 months le... looking back... we've not been together for 3 months le... and i'm still waiting for her... while she've already moved on... I still belived those 8 months we've spent meant alot alot in our hearts. The whole of last year... its like we've spent a lifetime together... with our kids, the photos we've taken... our trip everywhere over this island, and to Bangkok, the countless boring times to you, i've waited and fetch you back from work in Takashimaya, the little things we've said and done to each other, those swimming times of 10 over laps with you... those letters and little gifts we've gave each other...<br /></p> <p>Like what the Big Sis of Dali said in the show, we cannot use Fairness to measure in love... nothing is fair... we give the opposite how much we want to give... there's no comparing that you've give in more than she does... Although i hoped that we could go on longer than 8 months, like we said every month... that we'll have many more months ahead of us with each passing month... but still, once in a lifetime i get to experience this type of life is enough... Many people in life even till they are old, really old. They dun have the chance to experience a sense of true love that they really gave all out for the opposite... :,( kez... like an old man summing up his life like that... yup, i'm touched and feel warm all over when i typed these few paragraphs... but i wun cry in my office de lah... really treasured those times... although now i'm in the working world liaoz... we still can keep in touch and be sweet with our loved ones de... if we have one i mean... then all those hard work in working or studying throughout the whole week will be worthwhile...<br /></p> <p>DD, felt that you've changed alot le bahz... become prettier, more patient and sweeter le... althought still got things you can change sommore, i mean room for improvement... but i dun want to teach le lah... going to be shell fish Bunz. Teach and "Pei Yang" de DD all give other guy enjoy le... haiz... while i take all the shit... and DD's figure have become nicer everytime i see her... especially that time when i brought her to eat Yong Tau Foo... hope it isn't because of her bf massaging her bahz... if not i'll kill him the next time i see them... haiz... ok...enough of these sad talks... hope DD's fever And flu is gone le bahz... and DD is at home resting, not up and about running all the way down to her bf's place... haiz... *jealous*... anyway, i know she's out... that's why she'll msg me after she've eaten...with him.... .........<br /></p> <p>Haiz... their relationship is getting stronger with each passing day bahz... now 3 months le...can't expect DD to end it for me bahz... guess me this third party can only leave quietly by the back door bahz... i've done anything and everything to try to get her back... but... love cannot be forced... that's the last and final obstacle that's in my way... What to do? I don't know... what's left to do anyway... i do all that i can le... but DD is still there, not budging, not moved... haiz... and she doesn't wanna tell me anything... just try to give up bahz... although it may be hard... and painful... but i will go on... coz in the end... there'll only be me, and me alone to face this cruel life... oh... and elmo... trying to send him back le... if not, another few months or years later when i and DD never contact le... he'll grow up without his mama's love...<br /></p> <p> Hope all that listening to 91.3fm and driving will make me feel better...later... Waiting for my hp to ring...<br /></p> <p>Back home liaoz... thought of some things on the bus on the way home... Thought about the things ger said... about DD taking me as just a part and parcel of her life, that she's fated to meet me and fated to get over me de... you know what i'm saying... Hmm, still got what huh... Trying not to think about it le... Oh yar... Usually in a third party situation, someone have to so-called 'Back-off'... since, DD dun wanna tell me to back-off... i only can back down myself... yah, i may regret in future or when i'm all old le... but, there isn't anything i can do anymore... i enjoyed still being able to be with her... to hold her hand tight... but... but... i know she's just accomodating me only... yar... the exact word she used on me ... She's just ACCOMODATING ME...<br /></p> <p>That's the only solution to a Triangle Love bahz... but who knows... there's only your two side and my own one side... Yar, think that's how it really is... still deceiving me and making feel that i still got hope...but actually i'm just holding on to a hopeless hope... right? I'll never know for sure... maybe only you know yourself, and he may or may not know... maybe with him you'll tell him another story bahz... and people may be laughing behind me about how stoopid i am... haiz... Yar, i just dun wanna accept reality only... but at least i'm not running away from it... if you really feel that we could be together again, you would say something le... rather than kept quiet all this while... letting me say what i want... or cause all that i've said is true all this while... ... ... How long do you intend to keep the truth from me? 10 years? 20 years? Or you wanna see something happen to me then you tell it to me... by then i'm not sure if i can listen in anotz le...<br />She was agitated the last time i took her hp in her hand, maybe afraid that i'll see their sweet msges or the things she tell him about me bahz... or that she've deleted my msges and our photos... anyway, elmo eating sausage de photo also delete le... and my name is back to Daniel Teng le... Guess DD really love just the sake of having someone/ a guy by her side to accompany her grow up bahz... That i can't teach you how to feel... When you reach older or what, you'll know what you want bahz...<br /></p> <p>Time: 0007 hrs 17 Aug 2005<br />Bb rest early... Sweet dreamz. Anything can call me yar.</p> <p>Don't say i got nothing to say ok...? I've been talking all this while... all these 3 months... i've been talking, talking and talking... like nothing's happened... when can i hear you say something to me? When? Is it that you totally have NOTHING, you wanna tell me anymore? ...just hurt my heart to know... to hear you so silent... like the previous me... ... ... :( seems like only my 'sons' have things to say to me... really very sad, very, very sad... haiz... Nope, its not about whether got work or not... think you dun even feel like talking to me le... that's why nothing comes out... if u wanna talk to me... anything also can say de... i know feelings change... i know... but guess i didn't expect this could happen to me bahz... ... ...haiz... Can two couples become frenz with one person still loving the other person? That's a really sad and heart-breaking thing to be doing... sometimes, i just wanna test the limits of a Bread's heart... see whether it can really break and die anotz...<br /></p> <p>Looking at all the young couples at NUS holding hands... is that puppy love? Or is it just another part and parcel of their growing up life? Something their bound to face and overcome... break-up i mean... guess you haven't found someone you can truly open your heart too... or maybe he have already been taken... ... ... wish you all the best... DD... truly wish you... i know... if i continue to think of you and him doing things together... i'll surely go mad before botak and junior accepts him as their Daddy de... Think its time for me to really head to the path of no turning back and no return/regrets le... i've been walking back and forth at the entrance of the path le... waiting, hoping that you'll come pull my hand from behind and asking me to stay... but, i know that is my own wishful thinking... That could never, ever happen... get that into your stoopid, stubborn, idiotic brain~! You STOOPID BUNZ! You're not fit to be with the other normal Bunz, you're Burnt~! You're not fit for consumption, not even for a piglet... USELESS F**King IDIOT SON Of A BI*CH Bunz... F**K YOU!!!! ... ... ...<br />I never once looked down on myself like you said... i never did... but the truth is, you who looked down on me... guess i'm not good enough for you bahz... haiz... dun say le... what's there to say when everything's said and done... ... ... guessed i was right all this while, we always waited till the last minute before saying something de... but till now... the end is at your doorstep le... DD still is keeping her mouth shut... think she's just waiting in silence for me to leave through that door, leave her life bahz... RIGHT?<br /></p> <p>That's DD for ya... guess, this msg says it all le... yup, she know that i'm waiting for an answer... and, she didn't call me today... guess she knew it from yesterday when she called me... she've nothing left to talk to me about le... that usually happens when you dun love someone le... haiz... but... that's expected... guess i wun get an exact answer from DD. But that msg itself is enough... and the constant telling me not to think so much... when her one reply can shut my mind... haiz... DD ah DD... sigh ... Guessed she's just back from her trip with her bf bahz... and after her call with him, then she'll think alittle of me... ... ... yup, lots of things to talk to her bf...<br />Wake up lah... bunz... wake up... She've left... Elmo wake up also... WAKE UP... she won't come back... she won't... she've abandon you... and ... me... for another guy... ... ... haiz... if that's so... then let's forget all the sweet memories we had b4 together bahz... ... ... Heart feel heavy again... after that msg and after what i've wrote... haiz... Have to learn to pick up my heavy heart and walked on... like what i've been telling different people all my life... now is time for me... to walk on... alone... like before... i was always a loner... and the short yet sweet moment of happiness is over... time to carry on walking my own lonely path... I can do it... i hope... cause i've been walking that path before i met My DD... ... ...<br /></p> <p>ChaoTaBun sitting by the river with his bag & stick, with a beer bottle by his side, tears flowing down the crust and into the river... The day you find that tear is the day when we'll be back together again...<br /></p> <p>Haiz...<br />:,(<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XVII<br />17 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Morning: 1106 am... Woke up early today... Had yet another dream this early morning which woke me up. Can't quite remember what it was, only know my feelings in the dream... was feeling sad and was waiting, just waiting... and crying bahz... crying in my dreams... hmmm... how sad is that... woke up and immediately checked my hp to see whether there was any msg. None from DD, only one stupid msg from Singnet de, stoopid, send in the morning... Feeling lousy now, when i woke... really lousy...<br />DD's choice was very clear le bahz... just feel disappointed only... really really really really really really really really really really really really disappointed... Trying not to think about it anymore... now i know why in the end, all people do the same choice to let go instead of pursuing what they want to be... coz... if you can hang on for 2-3 years... can you still be holding on for 4-5 years? If no matter how you try to get through to her, she doesn't buldge abit, not even a little... so, no matter if u choose to walk away early or not... the result will be the same... in the end... all will let go de... very seldom a ger will want back someone she've oredi been with before le...<br />If in friendster i can so easily find a gf, so be it... but i can tell you i can't, i won't anyway... again... ... only gers can easily get a bf there... coz guys are always on the look out for gers, and gers...well, can take their pick bahz... and even my malay colleague is going after chinese gers... where got much chinese girls left for all the chinese guys... haiz... ok, straying away from point...<br /></p> <p>No matter how hard is it... i will learn to leave DD alone... besides she didn't say anything when i said this to her also... maybe she's just waiting quietly and hoping in her heart that i will disappear and leave her alone sooner... so that she can be happy with her bf without worry... she's still quiet up till now... kinda imagine, even if i was sitting on the ledge and talking to her... wanting to jump down...i dun think she'll open her mouth to say "Dun jump" also... haiz...<br />No matter is she got nothing to say, or dunno what to say anymore... the result is still the same... I'm a used Bunz and being put back in the tray le, she'll never ever pick this Bunz again...<br />Haiz... i still care for you... DD, dunno happy or sad to say... will buy the sweater i always wante d to buy, for you to keep warm in your cold cold office de... before i leave... Maybe you'll say in your heart, i say this a thousands times le... but am still F**king here, bugging you... i know its hard for me, and i admit i dun bear to... but, i will... Keep all the memories and tears in a Time Capsule... ... ... Erm... gonna type those 3 words... but i guess i'll leave it till i see you and say them to you the last time bahz...<br />Now my time to tell you back some strange phrase: <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"Ever had a feeling, that you're gonna lose someone for real. And you tried your best to spend every moment with her as if its your last."</span></p> <p>Looking back at our photos in my hp... wonder how much you've deleted away from your hp le... Saw my smiling face in the photos with you... Seems to me that i've lost you a long time ago le... just that i wasn't alert enough to notice bahz... Your smile weren't there anymore le... guess it turned to pressure being with me le bahz... or you just didn't know how to end it... so in the end, it dragged to 8 months... am i right? What am i saying? You won't answer me anyway... going to work le... Driving and driving again... Another 1 1/2 year more to work in this collapsing company...<br /></p> <p>Saw DD on MSN, but we never talked... she only asked if i eat le mahz... the usual usual question she've left to asked me...haiz... after some deliberation, i msged her to haf something to eat b4 she went for her classes... she left her com at 6.30pm bahz... dunno she in time anotz... or if she really went for her class... yup... even if she says these few days never go out wif bf le... do you believe? They just went out yesterday... ... ... and i'm sure one of these days or a friday, her bf will go down to fetch her home... yes, i know its very hard... to let her go... to let her bf have her... But what can i do??? Deep down in DD's heart, she also hoped for this end de...<br />You can run from this day, but you'll be running the whole of your life... Looking at DD's msges. I think she dun even have a single idea what/how i'm feeling...<br /></p> <p>Does she even know the internal struggles i have inside of me... if only she was in my shoes... then i'll ask her not to think too much... see will she go insane sooner than me ma? ...<br />DD ah, DD... ... ... haiz... Will DD be there for me when i need her? Will she? Have she ever?<br />Haiz... treat her so good also no use... treat her good, she go treat her bf good... guess, that day when i saw her and her bf holding hands walking, i should have known there's no turning back... i should have carried on to walk forward... But the question of why did she lie to me, do we have any chance back together? Still appears in my head... now and then... although how hard i try not to think about it during work... I want to be with her...but yet i couldn't do anything now... i'm tottally helpless... pls tell me what to do...<br /></p> <p>Still waiting for DD's reply msg... Should i hang on still or should i let go... like what anonymous say... DD, i wished to hear how you feel... remember the other time i said that you're like your fortune teller to me? Can answer me something, or just one question that i asked... At least say something? Rather then "eat le mah?" ... sigh ... how long are you gonna pretend that there is nothing wrong? Or you're turning a blind eye to it and hoping that i'll surely go away? Is that it?<br />??? DearDear......?<br /></p> <p>Walking back home, thinking the days past especially slowly for this week... just this week alone... seems damn f**king slow... haiz... still wednesday only... When i was at the bus-stop waiting for the bus #184... (in the end slept on the bus till interchange). Thought about if only i had a chance to chase my Dear Dear back...<br /></p> <p>If only she let him go to let me have a chance... but guessed this is just my side of the story, not her side... From her side, i think she never really meant i had a chance oredi... dunno, she's not saying anything is she? So i can only assume with all that i've seen... She never once thought of letting him go bahz... just words to console or "Fu Yan" me... even up till the end... if she really truly treats me as her hubby before when she called me in the past... then she shouldn't lie to me... till the end... Do you know how difficult it is? Thinking each and everyday... worry about this unsettled thing in my mind...? Do you know how bad and how crazy i feel? I just wanna know the truth... no matter what it is... no matter if i could take it or not, no matter what i will do after i know it... I only want DD to be truthful to me...<br /></p> <p>I know she lied to me lots and lots of times in the past... I just wanted to give her another chance... to tell me everything, tell me the truth... i dun want it to become a ‘习惯’. DD, i guess you also dun wan me to doubt all that you've said in the future right? Like you're sneezing... i can tell... not like before you say you're sick just to not meet me and go out with him... i'm really worried about you those times...although i never msg, call or disturb you... i just wanted to let you rest... but in the end you still went out... Remember you asked me something once, if i'm very afraid that you told me you going home, but end up you run go outside to play? ... ... ...<br />DD, please... dun lie to me anymore le 好不好？Unless you dun want to contact me in the future le... then carry on like this bahz...<br /></p> <p>I really really really want/need to know how you feel... just tell me will you? I know you can't bear to let him go because you love him... then just tell me can? If not by phone then by msg or letter, or ... ? Whatever means you choose... just dun torture me anymore le... can? As i was saying (stray alot), that if she bear to leave him, maybe i still stood a chance... but her decision in holding on... well, pretty means she wants to continue with him... guess his a really nice guy which truly meant alot to you or did something that touched you bahz... which made you cherish him so much... yar... i'm envy... envy of all the guys ... him and the other one... who made you stay single for 2 years before you met me... I'm like always envying other guys after my failed relationship... seems like gers cherish them more then me... guess the problem really lies in me bahz... Stoopid me and my stoopid DVDs... haiz... Guessed its really true that Ruby says... Sagz always get treated like dirt or dogs... Is it because we're too nice? ...<br /></p> <p>Everyday is just a prolonged waiting day... wished i could listen to techno songs and drive/dance on forever without stopping... at least that would stopped me from thinking so much...<br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p>Day XVIII<br />18 August 2005<br /></p> <p>Time: 0045 hrs 18 Aug 2005<br />Can i call u?If u dun wan,itz ok...Juz tk care yar.<br /></p> <p>Unanswered 2 calls<br /></p> <p>Replied msg: Hope ur slping nw and nt awake doin nothing..ignore tis msg if it woke u up..continue to slp..<br /></p> <p>Time: 0230 hrs<br />Went to sleep after a very enlightening talk with someone...<br />Will paste the conversation tomorrow...<br /></p> <p> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but if shes with him and she got nothing to ttalk to u than pretty obvious rite... whats a lie?<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><br /><b style=""><span style="">just a time off.. but obviously a lie<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style=""><br /></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">i was blinded even though he lied to me but there comes to a point where u have to wake up and accept it<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">pple just go on with their happy lives, and there u are sobbing over something where the person do not treasure in the first place<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u are not an idiot... i was like that. But at 1 point u'll just realise everything. u dont really need that person to tell u. truth always comes to light...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">even if she answers u?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">will it change anything?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">both ways it makes u miserable.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">what if she still likes u but she also likes him?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">what if she wants to be with him?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u'll b miserable both ways..<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">then y is she with him?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">y isnt she with u?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">dont listen to them ba<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">they also not involved<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">yup but have u really believed?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">have u accepted it? <o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">tts not the point ba<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">do u know u are causing ur own pain?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">ya... alot of questions u ask u can answer urself.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">yet u want to hear it frm her<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">no difference<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but if she dont want to explain herself<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">it says alot right...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">stop blaming urself... nobodys fault.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but love cant be forced.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u want someone to be happy let her go ba...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">its very true<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style=""><br />now problems for 3 pple<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u can still care for her<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">its tough<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><span style=""><span style="font-weight: bold;">but being duo luo is not the way to go</span><o:p></o:p></span></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">life still goes on, nobody waits for u. u have to pick urself up, u have to.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">hope for what?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">tt<span style=""> </span>she'll break up with her bf?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">its not that<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">have u ever thought y she broke up with u..<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">and y shes with that guy<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">instead of u<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">to me an outsider its pretty clear cut<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">hmm i cant say much ba<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u choose u'r own path<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u think u'r not gd than so be it...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">did she say u'r not good enuff?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">what did she say<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">think abt it ba<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">then think abt y she wont say<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">yup step back and think abt these things...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u keep questioning thats the problem with u<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">even if she anwers one qns u will ask another<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">bcos u simply dont want to accept it.....<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">no ah i didnt say no trust...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><b style=""><span style=""> lies or not.. the current issue is whether she wants to be with u...<br /><br /></span></b> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">if she clearly knows who she wants, good for u<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but like now... she doesnt know. u sure u want to be with someone who doesnt even know if she should be with u? what does it say?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">its not strong enough<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">the feelings are not strong enough for u<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">i believe love is love ba.... u dont really need to think who u love<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">like i ask u this qns u can answer me right?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">who do u love<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">its pointless if someone must even think so much abt who she loves<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">really<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">thinking<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u need to think so long abt who u love if u are presented with 2 choices?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">do u need to think so long? no right....<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">i mean if she really loves u she dont have to think so much mah... <o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">shes not even sure abt her feelings for u<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">isnt it true?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">so whats the point if u guys are back together<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style=""><br />truth about who she likes?<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">yea smtimes u just wanna hear it<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">even when all the signals u get tells u everything<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but i have presented my viewpoints...<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">gd luck<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">no one can tell u what to do<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u will still think what u think<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u will still choose to believe in urself<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><b style=""><span style=""> u just want to hear it from others<br /><br /></span></b> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but applyin or not is another thing<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><br /><b style=""><span style="">its <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> own choice<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style=""><br /></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">really<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">we can only advice<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">i got no advice on that... some pple will still be friends some pple choose not to be.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">stop blaming urself i get really angry when u do that<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">its not bcos u'r stubborn what<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style=""><br /></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u're just holding on to something u treasure and love nothing wrong</span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><br /><b style=""><span style="">so stop saying that<br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style=""><br /></span></b> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">settle it<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">dont leave it hanging i feel<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">put a beautiful fullstop<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">i dont knw how u just got to<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">what is <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> aim now<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">to find out what?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">if she loves u thr's no reason y she wldnt b with u i feel<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">ask her la<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">then suggest a solution?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">is that a valid reason for a breakup<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">u got to set <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> mind<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">on making her say what u want to know ba<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">dont b softhearted anymore if not u will never ever get <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> answer<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">but u always dont get <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> answers dont u<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">yeA... so mk sure u get <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> answers<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">so u can decide<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">then tell her sorry.... u have already gone crazy and u just need to know<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">have a think abt how u gonna ask<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">and abt how she will answer<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">and how u shd go abt gettin it out frm her<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">i just think u'r soft in this situation<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">not getin <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">ur</st1:place></st1:city> answers... when u need it the most. and allowing her to get away w/o giving u any answers<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">firm my dear, hard sounds obscene<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">good talk also works sometimes<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><b style=""><span style=""> up to u<br /><br /></span></b> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">gd luck again<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0.9pt 0.0001pt 13.85pt;"><b style=""><span style="">what u want to knw u ask ba i can only say so much<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><br />Bear these words in your mind... they're what i need to hear... to make me sure of what i wanna do... if there's no this conversation. I think i'm on the path to insanity... Thanks... i needed that...<br />Wish you good luck too...<br />Next thing, is to talk to DD... Yar... DD is very smart... but i need to win this round... before it kills me...<br />I've kept all her important msges with me... all this while in my hp...<br />Will ask DD out for a heart-to-heart talk this saturday de... if she's free... and not meeting him...<br />Do what you want... follow your heart...<br />Yup, me and DD on MSN these few days, never talked le... not even on the phone...<br />Back to strangers? ... ... ... haiz...<br />DD's love for me will disappear with time... but will mine?<br />Dear... i miss you... so much...<br />Sometimes i get to thinking, when i was back in NS, no worries about love and other stuffs...<br />Didn't know love can be that painful bahz... my heart is aching everyday... every single f**king day... haiz... when will it end...<br />Still thinking about her every minute and every second of every day... wonder if she stills think of me now and then... does she have a heart towards me? I really can't tell... i guess its a No bahz..<br />Thursday... here at my office waiting for the time to pass... feeling lousy myself... but them? Think they're out shopping or eating together bahz... with DD feeding him... Going crazy soon... Damn time, go faster lah... Toto nearly strike... with all of my 3 numbers: 12, 18, 22... haiz... short of another 2 or 3 numbers... damn... Even if i strike le also no use lah... its not like DD will come back to me... if i strike... she be with me oso not because of money... haiz... all is lost... just hope Saturday i could meet her... then could settle it once and for all... no more dragging... Drag somemore its either i kill someone or i kill myself le...<br />AAAArrrrgggghhhhHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />Just went on a fit and screamed and nearly bit my own bread hand off... The stoopid time and computer is so damn slow... i wanna get out of here.... get home... past you stoopid idiotic time... i wanna go back to the land of dreams when there are only sweet dreams and no worries... no hurt and pain... unless nitemares... but you still wake up from them... i'm in a prolonging endless nitemare... no where to go, no where to run... only she can wake me up from this all... but... she don't...... insanity approaches... where can you run...?<br />Time: Near to 2115 hrs le... off to speed and blast the radio like hell... FKOFF... Argh...!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">"Its better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride..." </span> -quoted from a unknown frenz MSN message...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"I'm forced to fake a smile, everyday of my life." </span></span>-quoted from yet another unfamiliar fren from MSN, another meaningful message describing their lives...<br /><br />It drizzle alittle when i went to open up all the barriers... reminds me of DD again... she never cared when i'm in the rain or not... at least not when i wanted her to care... Remembered the time when i went to see DD that faithful day... Yup, the day when she cooked for me... Went down to Bugis to get her corn soup too... When she gave me back Roti Boi... it was raining when she asked me to leave her place... Guessed that day she wasn't meeting her fren... was already meeting him le bahz... behind my back? Nahz... we're oredi over then... at least we were, in her heart...<br /><br />I just continue to work in the rain... it was little... nvm... but i sneezed and sneezed... weak me... haiz... when i drove back to park outside my office. I heard a pretty meaningful song, at least the lyrics were... talking about me, her and him... But the song was sung by the punk SLY--vester the Cat... titled "所以". After i finished hearing the song... stoopid foolish me dunno what the hell i'm thinking about... "心不在焉", locked and closed the door as usual... with the f**king car keys still inside!!!<br />P.S: Told DD on the phone, while i was at Sunset Way de bus-stop later... while i was heading home... (she called me) when i asked her where she was... cause i had a bad feeling when this happened... that she was... outside with... doing... things... but she said she was at her ah-ma's house... got praying... well, tml was the 15th of the chinese calender... i believed her... if she was to bluff... with this... then i think she's very very very smart... smarter than i think she already was... Anyway, i told her i suddenly got a bad feeling, that's why i msg her (dunno is it i have a telepathy bad feeling that led me to forget my keys or what)... and she asked why? And what happened... i told her i locked my van with the keys inside... she nvr said anything... Think she duno what the hell is going on bahz... only say why i'm so fierce... always pin-pointing me? Dunno is she dun understand the seriousness of this matter, or maybe she just wasn't listening to me at all... ... ...<br />Anyway, i asked if she was free on Saturday, saying i got things to asked her or tell her... (bad move). She told me anything to say or ask can do over the phone... after i got on the bus and thought about it... i knew what she was doing... Saturday was a day out for her and him... why would she go out with me... but i did ask if she was free... anyway... if she's not and going out with him... she can just tell it to me... sure i can ask it over the phone... heck, even MSN... i sure didn't want to waste her Saturday... ... ... ... ... ...<br /><br />While i was at the NUS bus-stop waiting for my bus. Saw a weird couple standing face to face near the stop... and another normal couple sitting down and chatting... quietly looking and observing them... something came to my mind... Who in the world doesn't want to be loved by someone so deeply? Who doesn't? Everyone does... Given all that have happened to me and DearDear... if i were to choose... i'd still choose to be the one who loved her more, although i too like everyone else hoped to be loved seriously and deeply by another... but... i haven't had that luck since i was small...and i've come to terms with it... If i doesn't have that Blessed life... so be it... then let me be the one who loved her ever so deeply bahz... even till the end... when she still doesn't care a single damn f**king thing about me... I still loved her so... that is the stoopidity and foolishness of love... and they say Love is Blind... Right?<br /><br />Waiting for DD's call later (she asked if she could call, although she still didn't talked much when she called my hp when i was at Sunset Way) then asked her over the phone bahz... as long as i can have my answers this one time through the phone... i can guarantee to her... that she'll never hear from me again... if she answered each and every one of my answers with the truth... i can grant her wish to leave her alone bahz...<br /><br />Sent msg: ...u at hm?<br /><br />Time: 2220 hrs 18 Aug 2005<br />Yes. Y?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...nth...juz asking coz i had a bad feeling juz nw..nth liao...<br /><br />Below are some song lyrics, at least part of it... songs that i liked recently listening to WKRZ 91.3 FM:<br /><br />I dun wanna go insane, I can't breathe, can't believe that i'm standing here without you, baby i longed for your kiss, i just can't go on like this, all the tears in your eyes, couldn't tell all the lies, will i ever be ever be me again, the words i have said seems to made it just that, will i ever be, ever be free again... Someday.<br /><br />Alone in the darkness, alone with my tears, i'm lost in my illusion...<br /><br /><br /><br />DayXIX<br />19 August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0105 hrs 19 August 2005<br />Can i call u? Or u dun wanna tok to me... Juz let me noe yar. Nitez nitez..Dun stay up 2late kz.<br /><br />Replied msg: Waiting for u...<br /><br />Just finished a call with her... the call i've been so called "Waiting for". Asking her what i want to know... 19th August 2005 0108 hrs... We talked... Told her about Saturday if not free then dun meet bahz... And the mee i just bring to her doorstep or something... Beat around the bush b4 asking her...<br /><br />"Do you still have feelings for me?" She was silent... then said... does worried counts for like/love? She's asking me...??? think she's really lost le... Yup. Dun even know how she feels... think i should be the one who pity her bahz... Telling me that when she couldn't reach me those feel days, she was worried about me... very worried... like i would suddenly die or something... but i told her my car keys locked in the van...she also no reaction... that was worst than death if i didn't get the keys out... Guessed those were the few days that she didn't have much to talk to her stead bahz...<br />Then i asked "So you like him lah?" Silent again... yup...throughtout the whole conversation...silent feels most of the air through our phones... Think i asked her "Do you like/love him then?" Something like that, and she replied with “越变越不喜欢”, dunno whether is kid me de or real one... Which means, she like/love him then she stead with him de... Yup, through our 8 months she still fell for another any other guy... yup, guess our love is not strong at all... just any Tom, Dick or Harry can make her stead with him... But having said this, she's still with him... guess, problems arise for them bahz... but she still held on because she like him... or something... WHATEVER...<br /><br />She just say that I talking to her tonite is longer than the duration she talked to her Stead in 4 days... according to her bahz... dunno what she's up to le lah... Say i treat her very good, and when she's with me, she can be relaxed or be pressured at times... and she knows that whatever she do, i'll be very “在意”。But during the times when she "didn't" lie to me (before), and when i still trusted her, did i ask much or object when she says she's meeting her frenz? No rite? ...as long as she's not meeting another guy behind my back or lying about that, there's really nothing much that i'll be worried about...<br /><br />Then asked her if she like him... she say she dun know now le bahz... then of course i asked in the first place why she stead with him...? She gave me a breakdown voice and told me he and her story, as in her frenz or people around her as well as me... kept asking...but she didn't tell anyone regarding why she stead with him... maybe she didn't want to let people know she fell in love with another guy bahz... or he blackmailed her? Too dramatic... Then why is she still with him then? She dun dare to end it with him like she did with me? Or does she love him very much till now or he have something of hers? Haiz... dun need think so much le lah... Guessed i lost in the final round again, not able to make her tell me everything i wanted to know... but i guessed, its cause i've thrown in the towel... if she doesn't wanna tell me, so be it... no point forcing her to...<br />Too tired already... tired... haiz...<br /><br />Actually i really wanted to know the answer to that question rather than an answer like "I can only say he chose the right time..." But, again... its not because of my soft-heartedness le bahz... although she suddenly burst out, telling me to ask whatever i want to ask and she will reply... but yet i didn't... SHIT... guessed i will never know... but... just as well... i didn't wanna know anymore le... I was waiting for this answer... this day... for 19 days since that day and night... and for 3 months i've been hanging on the crane through my heart drinking and smoking the night away... If she was really worried about me... she would have told me everything and release my pain rather than pour beer for me le... although i'll still drink when i talked to her...<br /><br />I dun wanna know anymore of this le... Put everything behind and walked on bahz... So i said good luck to her in the end... When she asked will i still picked up her call... When i say... if she got things to talked to me about bahz... but i think... <span style="font-style: italic;">if i were to still be in contact with her... i think there has to be a question all answered ceremony bahz... but if i want to leave everything behind and moved on... i guess knowing that she can't even say that she love who is already enuff le...</span> She dun even how she feels for me... Its right that even if we were to be together now... what's the point... She told me her head pain... and she's been sick all this while...<br />She told me all her fault, she should've let go both of us and be as fren or what lah...<br />And i told her my head has been in pain all this while too... for 3 months le... told me not to think so much... say got work to do, do my work and dun think... how to not think, she's running and avoiding the problem, i'm not... i just can't leave it unsettled... and she still want to keep the reason why she stead with him in her... then let her keep The Secret bahz... the secret about her and him... Good Luck...<br /><br />She said sorry for making my head pain and sorry that she disturbed me or what... i then told her... dun need to say till like that... then i replied with, if you like that say, then i also apologised for wasting her time for 8 months... yar... 8 months gone down the drain...<br />Hah... when i put down the phone... i was laughing hysterically... couldn't lie down and sleep without noting this down... 8 months... not long but not short too... 8 months together... in the end... we talked on the phone with silence for more than 10 mins... ended the call like strangers... What the hell is wrong and what happened? I don't care how she think le lah... If she's protecting him or what, want to keep him by her side till the end also none of my business le... since she dun want to tell me what happened... Fine... forget it... i'll take it that this 8 months... she pity me and was blinded then she went stead with me de... Told me things like she should have let go of him and be frenz or what... i told her b4 le... is she don't bear to let him go... still say so much...<br /><br />Anyway... I guess if you look at it from another angle, i'm well-off than her bahz... at least i know very clearly Who I Love... i dun have to think de... talk about love, talk about who i love... the first name or person who comes to my mind is her... Yes, till now, my love for you Dear Dear, is still as strong and may be even stronger than when i first held your hand...<br />And although with this... i'm going to leave her alone... i know although she says she'll be worried about me... but that's for the time being only, cause in her heart, her consicence is telling her to be worried about me, coz she haven't be entirely good to me...<br /><br />But as i said, and it will happen... the worriedness will go off with time de... yup, maybe we wun even meet or talk again bahz... I'm tired le... hanging for 3 months... finally can get a break... wun think about it anymore le bahz... washed the entire 8 months from my mind... maybe behead elmo too... kekez... no lah... will still remember... put everything behind or locked up in my heart and throw away the key... but wun care what she do with the guy or why she chose him le lah... coz i'm not going to be in much contact with DD anymore... this all doesn't matter... unless... like i said we're going to be close in a way again... then i'll come back and asked this questions... actually i dun like to leave halfway... not knowing the full thing... but i can't possibly call her up again and pushed her to the limits just to ask why she chose him rite?<br /><br />Take a step back... like what my 'fren' said... and think... if she still loves me, even if he give her a car for a gift...will she choose him? The FACT is she chose him... why bother asking WHY? The fact that she chose him is enough to show that either she doesn't love me anymore, never love me in the first place before, or our relationship wasn't as strong as adamantium like i naively used to think it was... our relationship was so weak that it would crumble if a baby blowed at it...<br />And that was why... a friendster fren in DD's list would even have a chance... but leave a stead whom she met on friendster for a guy in friendster too... sounded quite equal... kez... Anyway, yar, i'm sad to know that those 8 months we spent didn't have any effect on her... or it doesn't serve any purpose to her anyway... to her, it was like 8 months... but at least, to me... it was the most beautiful and precious times in the world to me throughout my 22 years... although the 3 months after those 8 months was the lowest of low and darkest of my 22 years... but... at least, with me leaving... i could still reminisce in the memories we had throughout the 8 months once in a while... Guessed i've really let it go le bahz... was just waiting to hear from her only... that lifted the boulder from my heart... and learnt the final step to let go...<br /><br />Doesn't matter if DD was plotting to make me do this or what, or plotting to pyscho me to find other gers so she could carry on with this guy (that time in MRT when she told me, once she know how she's feeling she'll come back for me, yar... rite... ... ... in the end still stead with him, hiding it from me... hmmm... hiding... why? okok, doesn't matter now le...), it doesn't matter le... I've come to accept the truth... Yar, i don't lie, i'm disappointed that after those 8 months together, it “凡尔” made her more and more unsure whether she truly loves me... Can only say that i didn't saw that coming...<br />But like i say, got who don't want to be loved for their own self... their natural self... i also dun wanna change much of myself for others... i oso want people to love me as i am... although se se no gers love de...<br /><br />Everything that we say now or do is too late le bahz... the 8 months can only remain as a memory... no way of getting back le... unless we start all over again... but i no longer hold on tightly to the hope of being together with her... because i know its impossible... at least right now it is... coz she doesn't even know her own feelings... this was heaven's will bahz... but i'm sure, one day... she'll be sure of her feelings...and be with the one she truly loves. May or may not be the current him... And by then, she'll be able to answer me instinctively about my question on "Who do you love". Good Luck again on your work and studies...<br /><br />Till then, take care... and don't worry about me... I won't die de... and of course i'll eat when i'm hungry, and i'll try not to be bore when i'm at home... will look for more friends de... Good Bye...<span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:9;color:black;" ></span><br />You take care too... i know... you will too... you love yourself too much to harm your body... just dun be so evil and so scheming... i hope i see/guessed wrongly for this one, just be smart but not over smart... (hokkien) or you'll fall one day...<br /><br /><br /><br />Day XX<br />20 August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0100 hrs 20 Aug 2005<br />Wan an, gai bei bei..<br /><br />Time: 2357 hrs 20 Aug 2005<br />Bb wru?<br /><br />Replied msg: huiyee wru? papa at hm wid me...<br /><br />Sent msg: Mama wru? juz came hm ar?<br /><br />Time: 0007 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Juz woke up... Been sleeping since 7pm..<br /><br />Replied msg: Mama 7pm then came hm ar? hungry? wan me to ask papa bring u go eat ma?<br /><br />Sent msg: Mama y dun wanna reply me? fainted liao ar? muz eat ar!<br /><br />Time: 0102 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Mama hm at 3pm den watch tv... Call u in awhile kz,in toilet =p<br /><br />2am+ Sent msg: Finish toking on d phone le ar? cal me if u wan.<br /><br />Time: 0348 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Elmo u n papa slp le mah?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nahz... go slp after u digest ur dinner bahz..<br /><br />Time: 0351 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Watcha doing?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nothing..waiting for time to pass..<br /><br />Called and talk to her on the phone... she's at home the whole day after work in the morning... She's been sick for the whole week le... flu...<br /><br />Time: 1117 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />U wan2 go cut hair?<br /><br />Replied msg: Yar.. throat pain pain..need to drink herbal tea too..<br /><br />Time: 1119 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />I boil barley 4u...<br /><br />Replied msg: Dun need lah..i go chn twn drink can le..fever coming also.. muz drink the se tao shui.. wad time u wana mit? later miting ppl ar?<br /><br />Time: 1133 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Den i acc u go drink bah... No meet ppl lahz.. Later i buy gan mao cha let u bring hm. U wan me 2go fetch u anot since u sick?<br /><br />Replied msg: Dun need bahz..gotta go chn twn. u tell me wad time u can mit or i on d way then tell u..mit at ur place..<br /><br />Time: 1142 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Ard 1plus? In e meantime u drink more water first yar.<br /><br />Time: 1231 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Bb i walk over 2 chinatown bahz... Wru nw?<br /><br />Replied msg: Stil at hm..dun walk so early..then d noodle hw? carry ar?<br /><br />Time: 1234 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />I wait 4u at e CK dept store bus stop...Bring u go eat, go drink herbal tea den walk back put noodle lohz. U let me noe ard wat time u'll reach lohz<br /><br />Replied msg: I waiting 4 190..tink 1340 like tat then wil rch..u dun cum out so early.. Cu at d CK busstop bahz.<br /><br />Time: 1302 hrs 21 Aug 2005<br />Rain le... Ni zhai na li liao. I bring umbrella 4u.<br /><br />Sent msg: Deardear..u slp le ar? sicksick then dun so late slp.. slp tight. gd nite..cant slp call me bahz.<br /><br /><br /><br />21st August 2005<br /><br />Went out with her, to eat breakfast at Chinatown first. After that we went to take some herbal tea b4 walking back to her place to put the mee under the rain with umbrella. Long time never walk with her under umbrella le... Waited for her to changed at her floor... she wore black and very nice with bracelet and everything... Told me she was not gonna meet anyone... just wear nice nice to Orchard... Hmm...she dun use to care de leh... just T-shirt will do de...<br /><br />Anyway... she tot i not happy, so... in the end... we still happily talked about studies and stuffs... DD letting an old lady have her seat... She flu still wear so thin and transparent...kekez... shirt kept falling, but she still held it, with her hand...even while trying out the slippers... (tts gd) and even when she was eating with me later... (tts bad). After i finished cutting my hair... we go and take a Photo Card together... with FREE Lamination. And after that we walked around looking at slippers b4 my fever started to burn up... DD never notice that i became quiet suddenly, because my head was spinning... but after a while with DD ok le...<br />DD saw a pair of slippers she liked, but didn't want to let me pay for it...<br /><br />After that we walked to Taka's Coffee Club and she chatted with ah-yek, while i sat there keeping mum... yar... guess ah-yek and yan wei they all still thought we were together bahz...<br />Ah-yek ask where i worked, and DD said NTU... still thinking bout him???<br />Yar... right... after that went to eat Sakae b4 going back to her place to look for Gan Mao Cha in vain... and ended up drinking Oldlendia drink at the third floor seats near to the dustbin... DD tried to be funny to play with the gym thingy at the third floor and hurt her own leg... She also found out that i transfer money to her again...<br /><br />After that have another heart-to-heart talk with DD bahz... realised that she liked him then stead with him when he asked de... after we separated... tt means DD have gotten over me and decided to give him a chance le bahz... at least at that time according to her... but still goes to show that she doesn't love me enough bahz... then still ask alot of funny things... finally knowing she doesn't like me liaoz... and she told me he was selling PCs at NTU... Say whole week never meet le... both not wanting to call the other... its like waiting for each other to say break bahz she says... but can feel DD still cannot put down bahz... but back at the MRT, he did call her asking where she was bahz...<br />DD said that i was too Serious, too committed... too good? Hah... what a joke... do i want committment? whose the one who said she got a rush feeling to marry me tt day de...<br />Since she wants me to be a baddie... i became one for her... Saying i'm the sort of guy who would make a good husband but not a good bf... Go figure...<br />Make a date to go "Tang Tang" on tuesday de... And said will help me get savings/life policies from NTUC coz she working there got staff discount.<br /><br />Walked her home, stealing kisses and hugs along the way... Said to me that Baobao isn't like that de... ask me who am i ... in chinese of course... and in a very very sweet voice... kiss her for good at her floor de staircase... After i walked back to the lift... she followed and we kiss again...<br /><br />While at home... she didn't msg me to ask if i was back... i knew something was up... msg her before she replied about half an hour later... was angry and said that she quarrelled with him... him saying got gf like no hab like that... and asked DD whether she got do the things he want her to do... DD said no... and alot of other things bahz... in the end saying even if the person is gone, the photos will still be there... or something...<br /><br />Anyway i talked to DD and asked if it was worth it... and the problem doesn't lies with the photos... its not exactly so important to DD anyway... Yar she said... its because he invaded her privacy by looking at her hp, and not respect her... and the more he wanted her to do something...the more she doesn't want to do it... Eat soft but not hard? Maybe if he stopped commanding her, she will delete in due time... but she told me he wouldn't give and take de... that their characters are the same... or are they? Isn't he a Sag like me?<br />But i kept telling her since she LIKED him... then why argue? She said, like so WHAT? He Bu Lai... Say she never cry from the whole conversation... and she never cry easily for any guy, except me... whether that's good or bad... Me telling her leaving the problem aside is not the problem... it wun go away de... like or dun like... make it clear better... As she says everytime she wants to commit she'll run away de... And stuffs about not getting married and becoming a nun...kekez... After that she drifting away le... then i told her to go rest bahz... dun slp too late...sick for so long haven recover le...<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 22nd August 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Rest well if ur nt working today.. take care and recover soon..<br /><br />Time: 1637 hrs 22 Aug 2005<br />So smart noe i din go work... Me nw at hm reading. Heez u gonna finish work liao rite.<br /><br />Replied msg: ...yar..gona finish.. knoe u no mood to go ma..juz nw went to mit him ar..nt asking.. rest and eat b4 u go class bahz..<br /><br />Time: 1647 hrs 22 Aug 2005<br />Nope at hm lah, reading notes. Dis morning my head spin spin... Juz nw go c doc le<br /><br />Replied msg: ... :] guai guai... yest nt enuff slp lah.. u oso dun tink too much lah.. hugz.<br /><br />She never replied me le... dunno whether got go for her classes anotz... coz can feel that she's upset over her quarrel with him yesterday night. So she took MC today bahz... or from her sound last night. Think she had it with her flu le... just hope she stay at home and rest...<br />Time now is 1 am le... never heard from her liaoz... dunno why now i starting to msg her so much again... and she never reply le... like changed sides again... her turn to ignore me... Wonder if she's resting at home, reading, watching tv, on the phone or at his place... hmm... usually after a quarrel and she's guilty, she'll go apologise to the guy de... especially when she likes/loves him right now... she will do it bahz... so now, dunno where she is... at his place for the night or still out with him? ... ... ...<br /><br />Tomorrow is Tuesday le... dunno still meeting her anotz... wonder where she is right now...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 23rd August 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u slp le ar? wru?<br /><br />Time: 0804 hrs 23 Aug 2005<br />Bb sorry,last nite i waited 4 a while. End up i take medicine drownsy i slp.. Think u are at work liao. Take care kz =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Like tat ar...okie loh.. we're still meeting today, are we? u take care too..<br /><br />Time: 0811 hrs 23 Aug 2005<br />Yup meeting... U take care at work kz.. Rem 2eat hor. I go shower le =)<br /><br />Time: 1812 hrs 23 Aug 2005<br />Wru?<br /><br />Replied msg: at city hall..waitin for mrt.. 3mins.<br /><br />Time: 1819 hrs 23 Aug 2005<br />I wait 4u at e aries shop... U wanna go where de? Dun tap card out first!<br /><br />Time: 2317 hrs 23 Aug 2005<br />I m hm... Inez using e phone can't call ya... Once she hang up,i'll gif u a miz call. Have sum rest on e bus yar.<br /><br />Went to meet DD, she wore a really nice black shirt plus a 360 degress turnable skirt. =)<br />Went around Raffles for a walk, then to Raffles City to see the Giordano. The pink sweater looks really girl on DD, but she thinking of saving money for me so never buy... the pink and white shirt looks really nice too... with DD's fabulous figure... Forget why we walked till Wheelock Place de Sakae Sushi to eat le... then after that we went to her house de "COSY". Asked me if really wanan go... end up went there to cry again... yup, of course she cried worst than me... saying she'll let him go...she said le... tell me not to force her anymore...<br /><br />What have i got left to say if she said that? ... ... ...<br />We went our separate paths after that... she walking back by herself... and me...look at her till she left before i moved on.<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 24 th August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0046 hrs 24 Aug 2005<br />Hm oredi?<br /><br />Time: 1714 hrs 24 Aug 2005<br />On d way hm?<br /><br />Replid msg: eh? nope.. i work til 530pm deardear..<br /><br />Time: 2105 hrs 24 Aug 2005<br />=) hm oredi? Muz eat hor... Den put ur 'xi gua shuang' ask elmo 2 help<br /><br />Went back to sleep... Had another dream again... Dreamt of a car breaking down and 2 guys and a ger down there.. after toking to the ger, then dunno how i know that DD is going to a chalet. But she somehow kept it from me, when i ask her face to face... I gotta go fetch Jason (my collegue), so i can't go see who she went with... a group of guyys and gers. Then dunno how i end up i a arcade choosing the game i wanna play. then a guy approaches me and asked if i wanted pirated games of the latest games, just when DD either call or msg me saying where i am or what...<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 25th August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0112 hrs 25 Aug 2005<br />Nitez...Candy dreamy fr me 2u. Time 2rest,faster go slp!<br /><br />Replied msg: U too..y always tis time go slp de?<br /><br />Time: 0114 hrs 25 Aug 2005<br />Wait 4ur call mah, muz slp b4 1.30am if nt tmr sure blur...<br /><br />Replied msg: oh...duno when u free so din cal..juz nw din hear ur4 call.. then u go slp bah..anything can call me ;p<br /><br />Time: 2243 hrs 25 Aug 2005<br />Bb thx 4 sending me hm... Call me when u r safely back kz.<br /><br />Sent msg: Gd nite DD...rem to take ur medi n slp well alrite? dun tok so long on d phone n dun tink so much..swt dreamz!<br /><br />Time: 0027 hrs 26 Aug 2005<br />I online checkin... No phone.. Silly u.<br /><br />Brought DD along for the course preview at Auston... after that we walked back to Bugis for some Sakae Sushi again...DD not sensitive enough bahz... didn't know what i want... ...just put her hand on the table and concentrate on looking at what to eat to feed Tummy bahz... she wore the Jap crumpled clothes with a very sexy tight smooth long skirt which makes her figure (waist down) looks absolutely perfect =P ... so i seem unhappy bahz...<br />While walking her to another bus stop, he called and msged... DD dun dare to pick up in front of me bahz... from there onwards her face changed till like thinking how and what to tell him like that... so i kept quiet and sent her home only... not hugging or kissing in the lift or what... ... ... i just left...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 26th August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0909 hrs 26 Aug 2005<br />Bb u feeling better mah? Drink water kz... Nt well bring u c doc =p<br /><br />Replied msg: My face look like shit le..like juz kana bashed up like tat..hai..todae gt class rite? wanted to fetch u..hai..wana recover fast.<br /><br />Time: 1011 hrs 26 Aug 2005<br />Think u din slp well dat's y... Nt well dun go work lah, poor thing. Muz tk care,anything call me kz =)<br /><br />Time: 1805 hrs 26 Aug 2005<br />I haven ok leh...<br /><br />Replied msg: Nvm..i go out and walk walk loh..go simply oys. ok le then let me knoe bahz ;]<br /><br />Time: 1836 hrs 26 Aug 2005<br />Wru?? Oinkz<br /><br />Met DD for dinner today... Rushed for the MRT and i got clamped by it... i pushed the doors opened just to not miss DD being there alone... DD was worried bahz... but not so bahz... hmm... after i told her i'm fine than she never aww noh noh le... kez...<br /><br />Anyway... Accompany her to Tanjong Pagar there for a walk to look for APMI courses for my DD... talked about my old sickness again... worried about DD... about her reproductive system... told her to go take medicine and chek-up till recover... but to no avail... nvm... i ownself got time muz go heal myself le... then after that we went to Maxwell Food Centre for dinner... someone msg and she showed me that its her Lao Po msg... i wanted to take the hp for free N easy, think she got angry or what... when we walking to look for my herbal drink she replied me saying where from across the road can see the shop opened like i've said...<br />Then when i say, yar lah yar lah... she lost her patience... haiz... everytime this happen... i will lose points in my own heart to be back together bahz... anyway we make do with the coffeeshop's oldlendia drink. And after that she walked me to the bus-stop, knowing that she wun let me send her back... i'm already ready to tell her i'll not be sending her home... coz i know she would say... her pants is really nice today, making her ass all soft and springy... except that i never touch... (just fell asleep and whacked my CPU on my waking up jerk...).<br /><br />Didn't know what to say anymore le... know that she's still with him... i can't touch her or hold her... in the end of the day, she still belongs to him... when my bus came...i went forward to flagged it... she was quite a distance le... then she walked towards me and say... “BB, 再见” and kissed me on the cheek... guess i smirk abit bahz... i knew i would be very happy if she did that when we're together... but now... dunno what to feel... maybe coz of the after effect that she nearly lost her temper again... i got disheartened that we may not be able to be together... and things aren't as easy as i think it is...<br /><br />She's back home... i reached home never msg her... she didn't ask or worry also... been two - three days like that le... she never asked anymore... think she talking on the phone with HIM bahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 27th August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0228 hrs 27 Aug 2005<br />Bb slp le mah?<br /><br />Replied msg: Go toilet..u dun late late slp again ar..can tok in d day de..<br /><br />Time: 0235 hrs 27 Aug 2005<br />Call me bah if u r nt tired...<br /><br />Time: 0922 hrs 27 Aug 2005<br />Bb,u called me last nite...Y?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...nth lah..<br /><br />Missed call her and she called... obviously she's crying, hearing her voice... asked a hundred time b4 she says that she quarrelled with him again... yar, maybe coz i'm the only person who knows about her relationship with that guy that's why she called me... ask her what happened, she die die also dun wanna say... seems like she cried till very bad... thought she said she wun cry for him... and dun easily cry for anyone? Told me that last time she quarrel with me she'll also cry, and that she's a “哭宝宝”。Yar, then means she lied to me the other time again lah? Telling me all the lies... wanna hear her problem... she also dun wana say... hard way soft way also the same... Whatever lah... then called me for wad? Say call me to see whether i asleep already anotz... dunno what shit lah... think she went out at night to meet him and something happened bahz... I slept lightly so that i can hear my hp ring... i knew she would call and talk to him tonight... haiz...<br /><br />Dunno lah... she everything also dun wana say, ask her also keep quiet... then end the call loh... to my every words also say... nth lah nth lah nth lah... F lah... sianz... hear liao also sianz... why am i wasting my breath asking her anyway... If its not NOTHING LAH, then its MEI SHI LAH... knn... said bye and slammed the phone... cursing and swearing to my sleep... then i woke up to call her... again... after a while... but dunno where she went le... can't be sleeping so fast de...<br /><br />Dunno lah... she dun wanna tell me is her problem... her business... why am i so concerned about her anyway... when she kept lying, keeping things from me... never being truthful to me in the first place... always Fu Yan me... doesn't even care if i was killed by the MRT or not... its very obvious who she likes and who she doesn't likes already...<br />Since you CHERISH him so much... then why argue with him? If you wanna be with him... there's no need to pity me then say to me that you'll end it with him de... say you'll do it, you'll do it... but still ... both of you do nothing and leave the problem there as it is... i'm not forcing you or what to let go of him... even if i did... you yourself dun want to... you won't let go also... you will only Fu Yan me on one hand and keep him on the other...<br /><br />After all these time... i know where i stand le... yar... even we didn't quarrel for a long time le... but we still will... nothing's change... like yesterday night... your short comeback of your temper... i knew from then... even IF, IF i say... we were back together... we will still be back as before... quarrelling at the slightest of your temper break... As for you and him de problem... i believe you know what to do bahz... accept your feelings for him bahz... that way then you all can be together... Since your heart has already been given to another guy... no point having me there anymore... was really angry talking to you when you dun wanna answer me at all... ask you what happen also dun tell me...<br /><br />Think that stoopid rabbit will have a easier time asking the problems from you... since you dun wanan tell me anything... Why call me? WHY? Just want me to hear your after-cry voice? Make me worried for you so i can't sleep well? Is it so hard... huh? SO HARD for you to tell me... to share with me your worries and woes? Is it so damn hard to tell me? Is it that i never understands? Or i can't provide solutions for you? Or i can't help u fully decide? Or telling me simply just doesn't change a single thing?<br /><br />Haiz... all those sweet talk about how great i am... about how honoured that i'm the only guy who made you cried so much... and about how worried you are for me... very concerned and always caring for my well-being... think its all lies again...<br />Think in your heart... i'm just one naive idiot whom you manipulate in your fingers and whatever you say i would believe... a stoopid idiot who believes all your lies and really think his such an angel and really can share everything heart-to-heart with you...<br /><br />彻底失望<br />Guessed, its been a habit of lying to me le... you'll never ever be truthful to me about everything le... and you won't come clean with me anymore... haiz...<br />Carry on treating me as a kid and Fu Yan wo bahz... keeping everything from me... deceiving me from the truth... we'll see where it leads me and you bahz...<br />Why has it come to this stage where its irreversible le...<br />Does feelings changed once you get tired of it?<br />HAIZ...<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 28th August 2005<br /><br />Time: 1459 hrs 27 Aug 2005<br />Eat le mah?<br /><br />Time: 1717 hrs 27 Aug 2005<br />At hm...<br /><br />Time: 0151 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />U ok?<br /><br />Time: 0156 hrs 28 aug 2005<br />U on d way hm?? Wru?<br /><br />Replied msg: At d place whr we drank<br /><br />Time: 0158 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Wru i cum find u...<br /><br />Time: 0209 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Sorri i noe u beary bore,i cum find u?<br /><br />Replied msg: sorri dd..i reali wanted to dance wid u..bt i din noe y i din..u njoy and get hm safely..<br /><br />Time: 0212 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Nope u r drunk...<br /><br />Time: 0216 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />U drunk le har, still at e mrt?<br /><br />Time: 0220 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />U at bus stop o mrt?<br /><br />Time: 0348 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />U rch hm let me noe...<br /><br />Time: 0352 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Call me if u wan after u shower. 2 tipsy den faster go rest ok...<br /><br />Time: 1108 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Had a good rest last nite?<br /><br />Replied msg: Alrite lah..u were on my mind... u leh? so early wake up?<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd... erm... rem to eat ar... ur head feeling better le ma?<br /><br />Time: 1120 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Call my hp bah =)<br /><br />Met DD in the evening at her place to go for dinner, then later to chiong at MU... Our number opened again... 9002 1st prize... yar, everytime something drastic happened... dunno what happen to DD and him also... seems like DD dun wanna talk about it... serious this time... when i asked she told me to change subject... say i naggy again... always touched on the topic... yar.. that's me bahz... always wanting to know... anyway, i jokingly blamed her... and she got sad... saying i always blamed her when i never strike... Silly ger, i just Ai Wan only... i never blame anyone... would i bear to blame it on you?<br /><br />Anyway, talked about studies while eating and drinking (beer), since nothing to talk about...she say i tonite guai guai (strange) one... Sent her up as i went Amara bian bian, saw her auntie, uncle and Inez, called uncle... but he never hear bahz... Waited one and a half hour for her to shower and dress up... drank at the Fat uncle's stall again... DD drank a sip... cause seems rush to go down bahz...<br /><br />Dunno what i said... that make her angrily left at the Raffles place stop and enter the other MRT... without even asking me when i close my eyes... forget what i say le... then i just follow loh... she wanted to get down at Douby Gaut, lucky i saw, then she saw me... then say we're getting down at somerset right?<br /><br />Upon reaching... was with white cap Daniel... after sitting for a while... asked if i wanted to go 7-11 to drink... i brought two cans and she bought a red wine. Went to the MRT to drink... drank quickly cause DD say she wanna go dance le... i vomitted abit b4 having space to finished the remaining can... DD never said anything... cause i vomit is a usual scene le bahz... still say wun vomit in front of her liaoz... Then we went in again...and DD started to dance... i just sat there bahz... although DD asked me a couple of times whether i wanted to dance... Dunno why... i really wanted to dance with DD, but looking at the white cap and DD dancing... i just didn't budge... haiz... guess i din have the courage when i needed it bahz... then i asked for another mug of whisky dry... drank and drank... till i rush to the toilet to vomit... haiz... after that i left MU... went to the MRT to sit... DD did msg me... but after that got one hour never msg le... as i closed my eyes to rest... Trying to msg with my hp when drunk is a really hard thing... can't get the keys right... that's why i took such a long time to msg...<br /><br />When i realise the time... i msg her, if she still inside... then saw her walking towards me... she vomit a little too... haiz... didn't protect her at all... told me to go home... but i wanted to send her home... when we walked to the traffic light... she see my face black black and shouted what's wrong with me... 我去chiong, 你又不爽... i never replied back...just walked on... i'm only worried about her the one hour she's inside alone... and Drunk... but seems like everything is repeating itself... haiz... think she messaged alot inside MU bahz... maybe telling him she's there... dunno lah...<br /><br />In the end, she went to 7-11 to draw money... and we took a cab back... she put her head on my shoulders for a short while... then took away bahz... maybe coz i never hug her when she needed someone... yesterday night was a mess man... haiz... minus points for me again...<br /><br />The whole night... yar, although i'm drunk... but i still think of us... of him and her... everytime i gain consicousness... the more i think... the more i realise, DD treat me more and more like just another guy fren le... yar... previously she doesn't let me hold her hand anymore... and i knoe... she dun care so much about me anymore... maybe she's going back inside her box... finding me naggy and Luo Suo liaoz... like how she say me...in the noon when i called her hp after we both woke up... coz i kept asking what happened to her in the one hour... she said she was with Felicia and her ger fren... saying she still awake... asking i later still wanna go out again arz... can feel everytime she asks this question. She doesn't really want me to tag along with her or doesn't like to go out with me de... but... everytime still let me follow along... haiz... Want to train her to be truthful bahz...<br /><br />Yar, the thing i'm doing... i can't always ask her out every single day... there's no way of stopping them two from meeting de... i oredi know the answer le... but why am i still so bitter? And DD soft-hearted doesn't bear to finish me off... clinging onto DD like a leech... haiz... DD... ... ... yar, we talked on the phone nowadays also very weird le... think everything is wearing off le bahz... no more sweetness anymore...<br /><br />The more i see... haiz... she's just very troubled over her current relationship bahz... that's why the urge to go dance... but yet...i too wanna forget my troubles by dancing... but end up drowning my sorrows... haiz... useless... she cried... for him... when i was at the Da Jiang Nan... acting what she said... she complain say dun say till like she's a recorder like that... can tell she really loved him... loved... and dun wan to let him go bahz... the previous saying of she dun like him anymore maybe is just another ruse to go easy on me bahz... feelings and people's behaviour i can very well observed and tell de... right now... i'm totally out of the picture le...<br /><br />Yar, but why am i still here like a dog... keep wanting to see her... to meet her everyday... when DD is thinking everytime go out with me...until no place to go le... and i can't think/suggest of anywhere to go also de... guess we know very well both of our pros and cons le bahz... but somehow i still find that DD dun exactly understands me... if she do... she'll not throw her temper or get pressured everytime she sees my black face... my face turn black is not because i'm angry... sometimes i'm worried for her... or just plain jealous... haiz...<br />I know she'll never want this stale, expired Bunz back again... really dun know why i'm still here... seems like she's the only person i can asked out... while in her case, she's got alot of people asking her out... and i'm only pulling her leg, not letting her have the Freedom she wants so much... Guess there's really no turning back le... Can say that our relationship is ruined in my hands bahz... being se se and all... and no hab enough courage to get the ger i want... haiz...<br /><br />ChaoTaBun waiting for a customer who will never ever turn back and choose him again...<br />Its really tough and pressuring for DD to have to pacify me and endure my crazy mood swings... but yet can't/bu she de to kick me aside and just leave me to rot...<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 29th August 2005<br /><br />Time: 1120 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Call my hp bah =)<br /><br />Time: 1618 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Still abit pain pain, nw watch tv... Chl 8, botak small boy beary cute. Watcha doing?<br /><br />Replied msg: Oh.. d small boi look abit luo zhi leh.. me juz off com and lying on bed looking at my hp wallpaper..and tinking wad num. to buy..and of coz thinking of u..self reflecting as usual bahz..<br /><br />Time: 1834 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Call my hse when u r free kz...<br /><br />Time: 2028 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Bb sorri... Inez's aunt thorw away my facial cleanser, haiz i haven use finish,juz nw walk 2 chinatown 2buy. U hang ard 4 awhile kz...Cya!<br /><br />Time: 2033 hrs 28 Aug 2005<br />Cu at 7-11<br /><br />Time: 0105 hrs 29 Aug 2005<br />Hm oredi?<br /><br />Time: 0110 hrs 29 Aug 2005<br />Call me after u shower yar??<br /><br />Time: 0158 hrs 29 Aug 2005<br />Haiz wat i did wrong again...<br /><br />Replied msg: U did nth wrong.Im d one in d wrong<br /><br />Time: 0025 hrs 30 Aug 2005<br />Oinky y dun pick up my phone...<br /><br />Replied msg: Im alrite.. dun worry..me slping... crunch crumb.<br /><br />Time: 0041 hrs 30 Aug 2005<br />Nvm i wait 4 ur call 2nite... Beary worried bout u. Haiz..<br /><br />Time: 0046 hrs 30 Aug 2005<br />I dunno wat u r trying 2do... I m worried. Y dun u juz pick up dat damn phone.<br /><br />Met her like we agreed, at Far East Plaza de bus-stop coz DD wanted to buy the slippers as her high-heels wear out liaoz... Time to meet was 8pm. I was late as i just got onto the bus at 8 exactly, juz when DD called and said she too was walking to take the bus... in the end... i reached le she still haven... waited till 8.50pm+ bahz... didn't know why she was so late till she messaged... but when she came... i still ask her like always... if she met him... she got angry. Saying her life is not only meeting him only, and asking if i had anything better to ask then this...<br /><br />Just wondering why she didn't tell me she was going Chinatown to buy the cleanser when she first called me saying she was walking to take the bus... hmm... but she carried the cleanser anyway... Ok, then we went to see her slippers/sandals loh... tried for very long but in the end still didn't found any to her liking... or perhaps she wante me to decide for her which i didn't bahz... coz she dunno which are the ones she like also... say, gotta wear her office wear and try on the slippers. Maybe that's where she went today bahz... the 30th of August 2005. Maybe with him? Who knows...?<br /><br />Then after that we walked towards Orchard MRT lohz, going over to City Hall to meet ah-yek and the rest. Dunno what i said that made us quarrel again lahz... she oso buay tahan me always ask about him le lah... then i face black black board the train when we say ah-yek loh... We reached City Hall Station, but still got sometime left so we walked to Charles & Keith to see see, coz DD got their discount voucher... Our hands touched when we walked, but never held... again...<br /><br />Same thing DD tested her slippers there but none suits her too... saying she's very choosy when buying things de... i just tag along loh, not sitting down coz i sit down wait for her at Far East for very long le... She's wearing the brown long sleeved MNG shirt with the shoulders showing... very nice on her with the colour of her hair... really niced when she tried on the slippers...<br /><br />After that we walked back to meet ah-yek and frenz as we went to Changi Airport together loh... the Train came and there was alot of people... the alarm rang but luckily we managed to get inside this time... i, DD, yan wei and Joanne was at one side... and ah-yek with cindy on the other side talking... When DD talked, her distance was very far from me... i held her waist at first coz it was quite crowded...but after that i let go... and she moved slightly away from me... there was an indian fat man behind her... but think DD dunno kept leaning back and was very close to him... quite a distance from her and me... as i thought of the days when we took the train together... she would hugged me ever so tightly... haiz... ok... memories left...<br /><br />They talked and talked b4 they shifted to cindy's side when approaching Tanah Merah Interchange Station. DD occasionally looked back for me... and asked if i was bored or sian... i said no... just no common topic between them bahz... but sometime i do talk to Joanne, but seems like interrupting them leh... When we reached they said to go toilet so i followed... DD as usual is a camel who doesn't goes to the toilet... she walked about with Cindy bahz... came out never see her... which i've expected... so i waited for yan wei, Jo and yek to come out of toilet then go look for them bahz... after that we went down to Swensens with me following behind of coz... who am i anyway...<br /><br />DD and me haven had dinner yet that's why we were very hungry, they go there just to eat abit and waited for 11pm + before going to the departure hall to send Ammeily off... I and DD called for Deep-fried mushroom and chicken baked rice ordering from DD's god-bro, that martini's gf.<br />Then they started signing and writing the card they wanted to give ammeily de... As i gave DD see my digi-cam the photos we took of her wearing that brown long sleeved shirt, saying it looked nice on her and very sweet and sexy... then she took my cam and see lohz and say se se... After that when the food came... and we ate, ah-yek shook DD's hand when she had a scoop of rice in her hands. Then the rice dropped on the table and can feel DD's blood boiling le...<br /><br />Think ah-yek felt it too and backed off... coz she only wanted to try the deep-fried mushrooms. DD complained she hungry and wasted a scoop. Think those who know DD's angry kept quiet bahz... i try to DD to gif ah-yek the remaining mushroom, in the end she gave her abit... as i sayang her leg... but to no avail bahz... After that i tried to feed DD with the last piece of chicken meat loh, then never poked properly so the angle wasn't quite right. And DD said very loud where got people like that feed de... “那里有人这样喂的？” I didn't say anything, just forget it... coz i know she mad liaoz... think cindy they all looked at me bahz. Coz DD say till very loud. I just didn't wanna bother, not that i'm scare... since she wana throw her temper at me...then forget it lohz. Its not like DD know how to feed oso mahz... Cindy also told me that i bluffed her... hoho... let's see bahz..<br /><br />After dinner we went to pay money and went up to the departure hall le... I paid 20 so did DD bahz... then after that DD take back money from them also quite headache i can see... going angry liaoz... but in the end, still settled it... told me later when we're together that have to count money with them very carefully de... There was lots of people sending little ammeily off among them is Jingjun, like she superstar like that, taking photos and hugging guys... kekez... DD looked stranged... But it was after sometime when she noticed us and came to take pictures with us... Yar, really Strange that i'm in the photo with them... hmm... anyway, a blind fool can see that i'm not with DD le... (so obvious) but they all thought there's nothing wrong with us bahz...<br /><br />Can still remember DD used to hold my hands and kiss my hand constantly as we hugged each other whenever we're out with them oso... and at Petals... haiz... gone were those times... DD's feelings changed... Soon it was reaching 2325 hrs le... i wanted to go to the toilet so i tell DD when she asked if we should be going le... Then she bu nai fan and told me faster go lah, say i very ma fan... and stuffs... i was thinking that if she didn't wanted to wait for me, she could go off with her frenz first mahz... (like she let go of my hand when i pulled her into the closing doors of the MRT, she didn't pull me back... just watch as i was clamped, but i'm alright... it doesn't matter, maybe people or DD would think i'm stoopid. Just goes to show that i didn't want to leave DD for a minute... as i'm her guardian angel) as they were catching the last train... i dun need to rush to catch trains or bus de... there's no hurry in my life anymore...<br /><br />In the end, Joanne, yan wei and DD waited for me before we headed to the MRT station, on the way there DD and me talked closely coz she ask if i was really sian or angry, then i told her, she's the one whose angry/something's up, not me. There was a train departing when we nearly reached there, but nobody knew it was the last train and by the time we got to the control station, it was said that the train just left... Surprisingly DD didn't reprimanded me, just discussed with they two what to do... In the end they decided to take the last train to Tanah Merah Station and take #14 back to town area.<br /><br />We talked on the way to Tanah Merah Station. Once we reached there, we walked over to the bus-stop across the road. There we studied which bus go to our designated place... DD kept asking me to take the same bus to clementi and take a cab... Made me fumed... then i told her again and again that i will send her home... saying which month is it and asked her not to argue with me before she heed my advice... haiz... phew... Said to send her to City Hall to see if she got bus somemore if not take cab back home...<br /><br />We boarded the bus #14, we sat on top... as they talked and talked... i kept quiet and think of them two again... DD said taking this bus brings back memories of her taking the same bus to school everytime in her past. As she showed us her school Temasek Secondary as we passed through. DD is from Keppel Primary or Keppel Something bahz... Then DD pointed to her shoulders as she signalled/commanded me to massage her shoulders. Yar, i massaged for her since she complained her whole body aching since last night after she chionged... Massaged le put my arms around her waist for a short while before she shake shake it off... Then she pressed my neck for a while lohz...<br /><br />I looked at my palm... then i held her hand... throughout the remaining journey, she held my hand as i held hers... ... ... is she pitying me? As she, joanne and yan wei talked about coffee club stuffs and about Madam's teachings... then i asked what teachings? Is it about managing people, knowing their strong points and attacking their weaknesses. Because DD said to manipulate them like andrew and alan something bahz... When i said that attacking their weakness, i point to myself... too straight forward like always... then she say yar lah yar lah... and took her hand away... after that i asked her what more Madam teach her? DD told me, i know de lah... which i dun... after lots of thoughts and stuffs then DD finally told me... coz think she thought i face black coz she dun wan to say... saying its very akward, but finally told me in the end... about seeing people...saying that i know how to see people and from there on knowing they're good points and grooming their weak points...<br /><br />After that we reached City Hall's stop. I and DD said bye and alighted. Then after we got off, think DD still asking me if i'm not happy or what...then i say no...i'm just thinking what DD say i know and dun wanna tell me... and she like stressed out like that... saying AAaahhh, 早知道不要叫你来。Saying she doesn't know how to entertain me when she's with her frenz. I told her i'm not sian and she did nothing wrong... till the last minute le, think she got say she wanted to go home herself... then i said to go and see whether there's still bus anotz before deciding i send her home or whatz... Then in the end, cross the road found out no bus le... then we hail for a cab loh... DD say take Comfort yellow de, cheaper. So we struggled to see a yellow cab in the darkness lohz...<br /><br />Before the cab came... i wanted to kiss DD on the lips... but... as i neared her lips she retreated... leaning back to avoid my kiss... Knowing how stoopid i am... i gave a loud Ha... then we got on the cab... i sat towards the end of the door as she sat far from me... When we reached her place, we just say byed and she got off... Then not long later i'm back also... didn't sweat much so i didn't bathe and went to sleep not calling DD... when DD called alot of times and msging what she did wrong again... I told her she did nothing wrong... i'm the one in the wrong... Dreaming that i still stood a chance with her... Its about time i woke myself up le... So ashamed of myself, i'm in the wrong that's why i didn't pick up her calls. but did in the end when she called my home... told me what happened... is it that i dun want her to call me anymore...<br /><br />The next day, heard that her mood, was affected by my mood somehow... She finished a plate char siew rice and mee siam to vent her anger according to her... we talked alittle on MSN bahz... i think... Asked me why i still haven go home when she went for her class at 6+pm...<br />She called me again that night... woke me up from my sleep. Been sleeping since 10pm... whole body tired... replied her and picked up her call in the end too... just to make her "not worried" about me... telling her i'm asleep and what's wrong with me... And told me also yesterday, she can't stand me always downthere 盛问 her, keep on questioning her... Just assured her that i'm not alone outside, at least not now... and me confused as what relationship i and her are... and i'm just harbouring a one-sided love only... am i right? Since she's made up her mind and have oredi hinted me dozens of time... so let it be bahz... i'm nothing to her le... will continue if i remember anything else... cya... gd nite<br />Time: 1230 hrs 31st August 2005<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 31st August 2005<br /><br />Time: 0142 hrs 31 Aug 2005<br />Bb... Hope u r alseep. Anyway juz wan2 let u noe, last fri me n him nt 2gether le..Sorri,i noe i m short tempered n cold past few days..U tk care,nitez<br /><br />Time: 1645 hrs 31 Aug 2005<br />Wat happen?? U ok?<br /><br />Replie msg: Im alrite.. nth wrong ar...<br /><br />Time: 1649 hrs 31 Aug 2005<br />U say i lie 2u ahz?<br /><br />Replied msg: tat one nt for u..dun worry..<br /><br />Sianz, my bdae open 24 pa in 2nd prize and and starters... shit manz... never buy... sianz... and 2309 starters... oso never buy this draw... knn... cb lah... DD say got something happen then our number will open, is mean that... i see now... after i received her msg... haiz... feel something funny the whole night after i read her msg... like i'm stopping her from being with her loved one like that... haiz...<br /><br />Time: 1952 hrs 31 aug 2005<br />Bao bao i have transferred 300bucks 2ur UOB bank 3-43-09-10 acct. Rem 2 check kz. Hopefully u'll pick up my call 2nite. Take care, eat more yar.<br /><br />Replied msg: Y u transfer back? told u 3mths later then transfer mahz... haiz..my bdae date open twice..and 2309 nvr buy todae.. :'( haiz...nvm.. if ur acct below 500, i transfer back..todae no class?<br /><br />Time: 2017 hrs 31 Aug 2005<br />Gt... I transfer in d afternoon... Heez. Nvm lah,but i thot all e while u gt buy 2309? Call u 2nite yar...<br /><br />Time now is 2340 hrs 31st August 2005. Very tired le... going to sleep le... dun wana think anymore...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 2nd September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0101 hrs 01 Sept 2005<br />U slp le mah bb?<br /><br />Time: 0044 hrs 02 Sept 2005<br />U aslp bb?<br /><br />Replied msg: Erm..i juz woke up to put xi gua shuang...<br /><br />Time: 0048 hrs 02 Sept 2005<br />Wanna tok 4 awhile?<br /><br />Replied msg: Up to u loh..i spray quite alot.. most of it kana my tongue le.. eeee...<br /><br />Sent msg: Try nt to b caught inthe rain so much...keep warm...<br /><br />Time: 2041 hrs 02 Sept 2005<br />Wru bb?<br /><br />Replied msg: Stuck at ps..rching le.<br /><br />Time: 0240 hrs 03 Sept 2005<br />Bb wru liao??Thx 4 e nite..Kinda njoy e comfortable feeling n little chat (-o,') u r e star of e nite.Once again it rain,heaven rem dis memorable date of ours.<br /><br />Replied msg: Yup..mayb heaven is crying for me.. i missed d bus gt on another le..rching ms le..u bathe le go slp k? 3+am le.. sweet dreamz..anything, im still here to contact. Gd night!<br /><br />Sent msg: Im hm..juz to let u know.. but i noe u slp le..so dun worry cont. to slp..nitez<br /><br />DD gotta work tomorrow so she slept early... Agreed on MSN to meet DD today... It was raining the whole day... but luckily towards the night, it became light and stopped... DD reached earlier than me, as we met at City Hall control station. She was on the phone when i reached... Wearing the pink esprit Tee... the exact same one when i saw her with him de... ... ...<br />I wore the stripe shirt i haven't wore for a year le...since 020904... But no one appreciates it anyway, this day was prepared to spend alone anyway... The shirt too small le...last time i'll be wearing it bahz... we then walked through CityLink and DD wanted to see her heels again... so we went into VNC and she tried them on... me? I just watched, look look see see loh... =p<br /><br />After that we continue to walk... DD suggested to eat sushi again... but i wanna eat where i want today... brought her to Tony Roma's at Suntec to eat a sumptuous spread of Beef Steak and BBQ Chicken combo, side caesar salad for DD and of course the free sharp head bread kekez...<br />DD wanted to change other places, keep saying its expansive... i'm starting to feel she's Luo Suo...heez... my turn... i wanted to eat nice nice de and relaxed on the sofa seats de table on this special day mahz... but DD still ordered what she feel she wanted to eat that night... =) And a song came out and we both silently listened to the song bahz... i was listening at the lyrics of the song, titled: "Reason" bahz... i think...<br /><br />Knowing that she gotta work after the dinner and seeing her impatient face waiting for me to get out of toilet (cause i washing my oily hands mahz... wait touch her face with my oily hands how?). Then i asked if she wanted to go home now... She say dun want, say haven even go Esplanade yet... Went to Marina Square de 7-11 to buy drinks... held her hand as we ran across the road... After that let go... I bought a Amsterdam beer and she bought a can of Jia Jia Liang Teh. Told her to buy de, coz her eye swollen liaoz coz of heatiness and late night sleep bahz... say i spread to her de... hrmph...<br /><br />After buying, we took the long way around MS to reached Esplanade, talked about money matter and she got fed up with me again... thinking that i still blamed her for the money... just over-concerned for her bahz... like i said... worried that her hard-earned money to her aunt, feel that it'll be better if she put the money in the bank instead of in a envelop. Too worried again for someone who doesn't needs it... Anyway we reached Esplanade, after a long walk... her holding the 7-11 bag... we held hands as we crossed the road again... i loosen my hand but she held on... to my fingers anyway... ... ... she wanted to go to her Al Dante restuarant to return the uniform de, but got alot of people so didn't.<br /><br />So we went to sit at the river side first. Me putting the Mooncake special newspaper cutting on the seats so we could sit... coz the seats are still wet after the rain... Then she left for the resturant and later returned... we didn't talked much at first bahz... just sitting there and reminiscing the past... i looked at the messages she sent last year this day... she saw it bah i guessed... and later she looked at our pics on her hp... and set it as her wallpaper bahz... but just for that day only... coz the following day i go chiong with her again and its back to Elmo de pic... the whole of tomorrow in the pub she kept seeing her msg... maybe its him... but i can't care le anymore...<br /><br />We singed and talked about pokemon names, and studies + work too... kekez... yar... DD is right... a peaceful and relaxed night at Esplanade... Didn't talked much about us bahz... our status... just she asked if i would bring her to Bangkok again... would i really? Yes... i replied... we said before de... at least not as stead le...but i will still bring her there...<br />After that we walked back lohz... coz no bus le... DD hugged me from behind on the day telling me Happy 1 Year Anniversary... but just to make me happy only bahz... its a broken one year anyway... somehow we held hands loosely back... when reached my Clarke Quay bus-stop, we took a cab together back... dropped at her place as i sent her up...coz still 7th Month... no hugs... just kisses on the cheeks and mouth nia...<br /><br />Then i head back to Clarke Quay and took a night-rider back home... nothing much about us was said that night... guessed i've already come to terms with our outcome le bahz... knew she already moved on le... and i no longer dream that we will be back like last time anymore le bahz... breaking up with him... has made her sad and moody... chionging each week and drinking... haiz... kinda feel guilty that they're not together le... Although i dun know the exact details of their conversation... i know she will tell me in time or when she wants to bahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 3rd September 2005<br /><br />She went to work in the morning, and i went online just to talked to her... muz be really tired for her... showed me the eyes and tongue sticking out emoticon...says its Tummy... asked if she wanted to check out the Cruise thingy... she just replied anything... which she says means anyday is fine with her... not bo chup like how i thought... but in the end she still said tmr bahz... then i asked her tonight going dancing again izzit? She say yar... Then i offline le bahz... know she won't asked me along de... anyway, feel weird le... seems like i'm always following where she goes, and with her frenz... never the other way round... feel like a dog or a shadow of her... but i found out tonight... that... i can't live without her... if one day that happens... and i couldn't find her anymore le... then i think i'll either go crazy or die de... Coz after i offline... no msg till 9+pm i msg her... msg msg and called... called her home...saying she's at her ah-ma's house...but she doesn't pick up my call... in the end... i got dressed and wanted to go down her place looked for her...<br /><br />When i was on my way to the bus-stop, she called from her ah-ma's house. Say she was sleeping, and she went gym after her work end at 2+pm... packed her gym stuffs le when she went for work... she alittle fever or headache but still went gym... thought she was out chiongiong or with someone... ... ... talking... ... ... that's why never picked up my call... or thought she did that just to spite me for what i've done... really worried about her... and nearly short my circuits... Maybe this was how she felt when she couldn't contact me bahz... maybe... yar... right...<br /><br />Then i went down it was 2250 hrs... waited till 2300+ hrs then she messaged me she going to reach only at 2340 hrs... bought a can of beer to drink while waiting for her... time went fast though... she reached around 2355+ bahz... then went to 7-11 to buy her red wine and my beer again... pumped before going in to dance... met her robin and some kiddies like she what she said... who asked if she was my gf... saying she si bei chio and asking me to tell her not to dance anymore... a guy came to offer me drink while the other approached her asking her where she stayed bahz (according to her)... Yar, and robin bird danced for her... coming so close to her face but of course she didn't avoid him like she did to me lah... asked me not to be jealous, say they only frenz, and she danced with him for a while...<br />Yup, DD look gorgeous in her black shirt and black/white soft smooth light skirt... and she danced so beautiful last night... if i didn't know her, i would want to know her too... but at least she was once mine right? Such a pretty ger was once a stead of this useless ugly Bunz... kez... should be happy at least with this fact...<br /><br />After that about 3 or 4+ then we went back loh... she waited with me at the bus-stop before she took a cab back... saying she will miss call me when she gets home and asking me not to drink so much already... i know... i only drink more to dance... no chiong no drink le lah... told me also she and robin only met in MU only, she dun go out with him to dinner or to the movies...<br />i know in her heart... (or i can feel it???) our love is dead le bahz... ... ... i 5+am reached my stop then i got her call...<br /><br />Talked to her after i bathe...and then she drifts off to sleep le... yar... i am putting everything behind and not thinking about it... maybe she is doing the same too...<br /><br />Sent msg: Take care when u gg dancing... knoe u wun msg me tonite... anything can call me... i'll b near...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd wru? can reply me if u c my msg? really worried abt u...<br /><br />Time: 2308 hrs 03 Sept 2005<br />I wun reach so fast leh... At ard 11.40pm. Reach le i call u kz =p tk care =p<br /><br />Replied msg: ....k...i wait loh.. thx for letting me know..<br /><br />Time: 2347 hrs 03 Sept 2005<br />Bb wru nw... Hope u r nt drinking beer =p<br /><br />Replied msg: At d place whr we drank...<br /><br />Time: 0526 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />I wait 4 bunny's call...<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 4th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1828 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />Bb... U still wanna tk ur toys?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...yar...y? u nt free dun nid accompany me de...i go by myself loh..u at hm rest or wad loh...<br /><br />Replied msg: If u gt other prog. then go ahead bah..or u tired then stay at hm loh..nvm abt me..take care..hugz~<br /><br />Time: 1839 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />Silly,y like dat say... Can acc u go eat n tk toys. Dun worry. Anything call my hp kz to arrange e time. Inez using net...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u nt coming le rite?<br /><br />Sent msg: Guessed u were out juz nw..when u said inez was using d com... with sum1 bahz..tats y u asked me again if i stil wanted to take my stuffs..u could've juz told me u were meeting sum1...mayb him..but i cant ask le..can i? juz disappointed y u juz cant tell the truth... k..i go take bus hm le..juz dun wan u to lie and fu yan me anymore..i oso noe and nvr even hold a hope that we wil b together again..haiz...<br /><br />Time: 2029 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />I on d way... Stomach pain leh. This 'period' weird weird de.. Make me abit comfortable. I c u at dhoby ghaut ctrl in 10 mins k.Not e NE one... E old one yar.<br /><br />Comments: DD spelled the dhoby ghaut correctly... not like how i always anyhow spell... doby gaut haha...<br /><br />Time: 2035 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />Damn... I was at home loh... If not u could haf call my hse n ask my aunt wat time i went out n u r waiting 4me. JUZ CALL N ASK! U NEED INEZ HP no.??<br /><br />Time: 2038 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />It was b4 7pm so having an incomin call was free..I can't use e bed phone,it wasn't clear enuff. Should haf miz call u b4 i left.I haven seen him 4 a long time<br /><br />Replied msg: K...i'll b at d ctrl stn..juz a misunderstanding. i can hear frm ur call tat ur at hm..juz my paranoid feeling acting up again..sorri<br /><br />Time: 2041 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />I no i tell e truth oso no one will believe me de... Suan le my hair is still wet..I juz shower nia.If u dun believe den no point 4me 2 tok so much..<br /><br />Time: 2332 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />Hop unto a bus le mah?<br /><br />Replied msg: Juz gt onto d bus..take care.. hugz.. hope u enjoyed d dinner wid me tonite~ ;p<br /><br />Time: 2346 hrs 04 Sept 2005<br />Of course i njoyed... I taking a lift liao... Hehe.. Nw go hm pack baggy 1st. U rch hm shower le den we tok on d phone bahz =p haf sum rest on d bus!<br /><br />Sent msg: Y dear? tot u rch hm le..? my bus juz rch interchange nia...<br /><br />Time: 0042 hrs 05 Sept 2005<br />Eh,y can't get thru e hse phone...I watchin e vampire show nw =p<br /><br />Went down to collect my toy at Sunshine Plaza... told DD i'll reach by 1930 hrs, but i reach at 1950 hrs... and DD also said she 7+ will reach le bahz... in the end i thought i faster walk go collect my toy first so DD won't wait at PS long for me... In the End, collect le... walk back to PS, go PS press money, walk to Action City to see... walk one round before going out to the MRT to wait... still no reply from DD... until nearly 2020 hrs like that then i msg her...<br /><br />Yup, i was walking to Park Mall wanted to take bus home le, just waiting for her reply bahz... sometimes she talking to people or what wun reply de... (past experience 1). But she did reply, so i went back to the MRT to wait for her... Ended up it was a misunderstanding, yup, i misunderstood DD and wronged her... saw DD sitting at the stairs playing game with her hp bahz... I knew i shouldn't said all those, coz i can hear from my phonecall to her that she's lying on the bed... just thought maybe after that got people come look for her, and i dunno they never met for a long time le, i also dunno what happen between them...<br /><br />Know DD is not feeling comfortable nowadays... but u can't really blamed me for feeling this way, can you? Previously there was one incident that she msged me to go ahead with any progs i may have... which in the first place i dun, and i never told her i have any... Just sort of agreed to meet her for dinner or what... in the end that was the day when she ended up at Jurong Point with him...<br /><br />DD, i'm not weird weird the whole day... i know you will think i'm strange... but given what i've been through... if DD you were in my shoes... how will you think leh? Yes, i was waiting for you to come, and i never receive any msg telling me that you'll be late... so i'll anyhow think...because of what i've been experiencing... I know maybe you're trying to change...but i still need time to, to accept things... you know? I can only say i'm sorry for yesterday, for wronging you... I would have waited patiently for you to come or thought if there's something wrong maybe u sick or what in the past... but right now... the only thing that comes to my mind is that you're hiding something from me... i know that's not true le, somewhere in my heart... just need time to practice how to trust what my DD say like before bahz... I hope you'll forgive me and understand why i'm like this... and have patience for me...<br /><br />Well, actually no need lah... aiyah...<br />Then later we walked past PS and wanted to go HMV eat sushi... when we past the Big Sweep stall. Asked DD to choose one ticket for me... she didn't. Then i just said, then dun say i'm poor and got no money ar...since you dun wan to tag team with me to choose one winning ticket... Then she get angry again... and said, nobody mind that you're not rich before... then we were silent till HMV... then before we went up. I suggested going to Paragon to eat the Xiao Long Bao. But when we reached there i think 2127 hrs le... and DD say too expensive so never eat... told her to anyhow eat first coz she hungry... she dun wan... say wanna go upstairs de Sushi Tei try... see they last order already anotz...<br /><br />While going up, i was thinking whether i should be more decisive... be more like how she liked... like him... make decisions for her... but i didn't tell her... anyway, she always void my decisions de... and expect me to follow her decisions... then in the end still say i can't make her decisions for her when asked to compare both of us... haiz... dunno lah...anyway, we're just frenz now... i shouldn't think so much too...<br />Go to Sushi Tei, sit table seats, after that DD want to change to counter seats... then change loh... then eat eat and i kept quiet... Just worried about DD and want her to eat faster... wait she get angry again... am i really so scared of her getting angry? .... .... .... haiz....<br />While eating, we talked about her mum asking her to study what she wanted to study... that's why she studied the degree... now wanna change to accounting degree again... but is that what my DD wants? Then i gave a funny example on you dun have to listen to your mum and be what she wants you to be de... If you have an idea what you wanna be, then go ahead... you dun have to fulfilled her dreams using your life de... anyway DD doesn't understands my example...and say i've been talking strangely for the whole night... then i just shut the F up loh... dun wanna say anymore le... Anyway DD wun understand me anyway... haiz... communication down...<br /><br />After that i go toilet loh... she was messaging someone so never saw me... i also dun wanna creep behind her, wait she dropped the phone... i no longer wanna know whose she's messaging le... I just lean on the railings behind her, until she found out bahz... haiz... so easy to kidnap my DD... After that deciding where to go eat, Kallang, Katong or Geylang... suggest to go Kallang eat Mac's... maybe can ask someone down also... tee hee...but i didn't tell her lah of course... Then in the end walked till HMV bus-stop see no bus then walked to next bus-stop. DD suggested to go Marche... then we go loh...<br /><br />Said because of DD's influence, i starting to like to eat sushi and mushrooms le... Sauteed Mushrooms~! Then we happily ate Sauteed Mushroom Salad and Rosti Sour Cream... As DD expressed her concern for a drinking Bunz like me again... Not that i drink infront of you or what... or maybe i just feel like drinking when i'm with you... just feel that when we're together its like becoming a Big Question Mark le... maybe like what you told me, i shouldn't think so much and concentrate on my work or get a course to study... like you perhaps... not thinking about anything right now... but i just dun wan to waste my youth, waste the precious time when i could be doing something i enjoyed, something that i'm happy doing, you understand? Something that both you and i may not do when we're old already... ... ... Time is counting every single day... and its up to us to embraced it...<br /><br />K, gotta go work le... write again tonight...<br /><br />After that, we walked to Somerset MRT and i sent her to the control station. Before i went to the bus-stop at the back to take a bus home...<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 5th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 2315 hrs 05 Sept 2005<br />Bb i m making my way hm =p so dun u worry,hehe... Call u later kz.<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 6th September 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Zao an! take care on d way to work..hope ur flu is better le..hugz tight~!<br /><br />Time: 0813 hrs 06 Sept 2005<br />Zao an ni hao... I wake up liao! Hehe. Tummy n me rolling on d bed. Yay! Bb tk care at work kz.<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 7th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0123 hrs 07 Sept 2005<br />Bb slp le ahz?<br /><br />Very troubled and depressed lately... and the constant topic of giving, and not receiving churns in my head... maybe coz birthdays are coming... as i recall our birthdays last year... yar... really feeling tired le... no matter how hard i tried... how much i put in... DD still doesn't understands... or maybe she just didn't do what i hope she would sometimes bahz... but i can't blame her for being insensitive... they're like that...<br />Well, actually guys do need love too... need to feel that they're needed sometime... not treated like grass when they shower you with all the love or money they have... just disappointed bahz... But there's nothing i can do le... she's no longer mine... and may never will be...<br /><br />只是在成魔门面前徘徊着，不知是 fo 踏进去。就像过了梦婆桥把梦婆汤喝下一样，就会把全部事情给忘记掉。可能再也不能回头，回去以前这样了。<br /><br />So dun know what i should do bahz... maybe in my mind i've already have an idea on what i'm gonna do le... just that i dun want to follow or i just want people to asked me not to do it... dunno lah... Just like DD know sometimes what she wanted le... but just wanan listen to opinions, and everytime after asking me, she'll do the direct opposite of what i've told her to do... Diao...<br />It may seem to DD that i'm getting attention from her... but... am i?<br /><br />Dunno what to do lah... if only i could be like DD, not think or worry about anything... but i can't, can i... Its becoz DD dun love me le... that's why she bear to not think about this thing and not think about me... just worried and pity me only... maybe i should adapt her way of feeling... at least i wun be in the roller coaster anymore...<br /><br />Yup, there's alot of things that i dunno what she's thinking or feeling or what have happened... not asking her, coz she wun answer me, and i dun have any rights to asked anyway... who am i to her? I oso dunno the answer to that... Only DD's heart know bahz... so with no answers to my queries... i can only make guesses again loh... i know its very hard... but i'll try not to think so much... and put down this hopless relationship le... ... ...<br /><br />Haiz...<br /><br />Think till the day she have yet another bf, then i'll really 死了这条心吧。But again, like i've said, i've already had an idea on what i want to do le... but still unsure bahz, if that's the right choice...<br /><br />Time 0056 hrs 8th Sept 2005<br />Guessed someone came online to talk to new frenz bahz... pics keep on changing... how i admire her to be able to take me as a invisible being... kekez... muz learnt that liaoz... haiz...<br />Good luck then... hope you find your true love bahz... *silent* ... ... ...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 9th September 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Hmm... DD u at hm le ma? watcha doin?<br /><br />Time: 0049 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />At amara... Level 2 live band wif aunt n bf drink shirley temple...U bore ah?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...nope...juz wondering where ur gg these few daes..tot u were slping, but guessed if u reply late, u sae ur wid ur aunt... nvm...dun go back so late..tml stil gt work...njoy bahz...<br /><br />Time: 0058 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />Tmr we gonna eat rite,i rem=) ya wif aunt leh... Hugz<br /><br />P.S: She called after i called her twice... but she called my home, so i dunno which number she used... Was listening to her new music b4 her recording... ... ... Where did she went? I asked to hear her aunt's voice or the live band's... ... ... but didn't hear... she must be outside... told me to take a cab down if i dun believe... Told me she wasn't meeting any other people lah... not friendster frenz or him... Then when i asked, if she's meeting, she'll tell me the truth one ritez? She kept silent for 3 second before replying i think... not sure got reply or notz... haiz...<br /><br />Sent msg: (abt 0258 hrs) Stil at d live band? wil wait for ur msg..wished i could hear how its like..take care... my darling...<br /><br />Sent msg: (abt 4+hrs) If ur sleeping le... then haf a gd nite slp bahz..stil waiting for ur get hm reply...had a nitemare again..abt u n ur chionging khakis (ryan/robin) go chiong..and me fell out wid frnz. (alan & max) nowhere to go..waiting for u cause we quarrelled over where u went juz nw... (u just went off having ur own time...after i asked too much)<br /><br />Time: 0508 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />Bb,i was hm... Shit, had a drink 2much, reach hm toh on e sofa. Our line was cut off cos batt flat le..Sorwee bb =) u wan can call me,dun scare cos of nitemare.<br /><br />Replied msg: Then u go slp loh..dun wan u always drink so much... even wid ur aunt ard? knoe u nt feeling happy these few daes...haiz..faster go slp bahz..if later stil gg work..juz worried u n fren/aunt go out late late..and drink somemore.. sigh...should haf taken a cab dwn to look for u.<br /><br />Sent msg: Faster go slp bahz...i wun ask so much le...everything happens for a reason... sweet dreamz...gd nite and take care bahz...<br /><br />Haiz...woke up constantly last night... having strange weird dreams/nitemares... wondering where DD actually went... hope she didn't spent the night with him somewhere bahz... or meet new frendster de soon to be bf... haiz... I want to believed DD... really i do... but seems like i can tell when she's telling the truth and when she's not leh... or is it i too paranoid le? I guessed correctly she's not at home and will tlel me she's with her aunt and bf...<br /><br />Why is that so? I really wanna try to trust her again... really very hard to do rite now... think need time bahz... anyhow think again... but... furthermore... right now... i'm not her who and she's not my who... even if she lie to me... its pratically fine... and i can't do or say anything about it... haiz...<br />Just hope... just hoped... my only wish now is... be it her going with a new bf or meeting who... hopes she dun lie to me anymore le... not even a white lie... if only she knew... sigh...<br />Going crazy last night... This morning she didn't go work...<br />Haiz... what is wrong??? She still depressed over her lost relationship? Or did she meet him for the last time? Argh... or have she moved on too fast and met new guys le?<br />Haiz... was hoping she'll pick up inside so i could hear the live band... but didn't...sounded like she's at a crowded place...<br /><br />I have no business in interfering with her life anyway... what is happening? DD? Dun torture urself... haiz... why drink so much? Or did you???<br />Hope she'll tell me tonite bahz... and hope everything goes as planned tonite...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u wake up le can call me?<br /><br />P.S: DD did call me after i called her house at about 2pm+, yup she was awake le. But din call me... think after that then she saw my msg and called me straight away after i put down d phone with her... I asked her again who she went with yesterday... think that pissed her off almost to the full le...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u at hm watch tv ar? later i ard 10.30pm go fetch u hor..u wan me to call u later then let me knoe..<br /><br />Time: 2055 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />Yeah watch tv! Hoho!<br /><br />Sent msg: K.. i gg out le..c u wana bring botak cum anot..and rem to bring d cam arz..<br /><br />Time: 2115 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />Ur thingy do finish den cum yar... Dun rush den 4get 2 finish work stuff.. Drive carefully kz. Let me noe e time u'll rch kz.<br /><br />Replied msg: Ard 10.35-10.45pm loh... if i dun get lost de hua...<br /><br />Sent msg: Eh...dd i rch le.. ;p<br /><br />Time: 2223 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />Wait awhile k, sorwee...<br /><br />Time: 0136 hrs 09 Sept 2005<br />Safe n sound inside... Nt drinking.. Drive carefully...E lites n e heart, made me smile n warm my heart...<br /><br />Replied msg: K...i oso rch le..rch hm msg me bahz..dun so late..and u take care bahz.. anything can call me..i wait for ur call.. erm.. i luv u... i knoe u knoe..juz wana ...sigh..nth... take care..ur always in my heart.<br /><br />Time: 0406 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Bb,u slp le mah? I ain't drunk... I m awake. U tmr gt work,dun wait 4 my call lahz. Me heading to 7-11 le..<br /><br />Replied msg: ...still waiting... u rch hm le then tell me..ownself go there arz?......take care...<br /><br />Time: 0410 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Ya go draw $ den buy drink tk cab... Heez =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Aiyo...so late then go off... enjoyed? the other time we oso din stay so late..rch hm bathe le then lie on bed then tell me bahz..take care...<br /><br />Time: 0422 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Aiyo sorwee lah told u i'll get hm early but end up so late... But honestly i din njoy myself... Kept sitting n thinking bout wat u had done n said 4/to me..<br /><br />Replied msg: ...y? i said sumthing wrong? juz hw sum1 would feel if they were in my shoes... tot u dancing til nvr reply my msg le...i oso thinking bout u d whole nite wid botak by my side... :]<br /><br />Time: 0432 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />I hm le =p i go shower...Heez<br /><br />Went down to fetch DD after my work... was happily waiting for this night to come... preparing all my things before hand and binging them to work... even bought some firesticks last minute at a provision shop at Dover, coz the one my mum has is expired already... and i brought a CashCard too... just in case... brought mat for us to sit... and prepared something special for DD...<br />Thought i told DD yesterday when she called me at Amara that we're not going to eat le... going to the beach... but guessed she didn't heard me bahz... and foolish me never call her on the night to asked her to eat and wait for me to go the beach... communication error all coz of me... and to think i'm a Signal Specialist...<br /><br />End up i finished my work, drove down... only 10.11pm only...so fast... DD came down late coz i was early mahz... with an empty stomach... feel so bad... should haf called her and told her before i left...but didn't... dunno why...old her to bring botak and the digital cam... she waited for me to have dinner... and she whole day only taken one meal nia... haiz... anyway when she came down...i only notice her shirt wear nice nice only... Anyway...<br />Wanted to da bao Dong Fen for her on the way de... but DD scare my van obstruct traffic, so decided to go East Coast to eat... Think my constant asking her which direction to go and what she did yesterday pissed her off bahz... she said if i dun believe then she take the receipt or take a pic and MMS to me... and she said she dunno the directions. And want me to stopped asking her... my old Mao Bing again... think i really was affected by the past when we're together alot...<br />Remember the time when i bought her to Geylang to look for the Dian Xin shop? I bought her walked so far still can't find it until she choosed a path herself then we follow... think i still got some Ying Yin from past times bahz that make me so weird like i am today... i've definitely changed abit... one way or another... I know if i can't find the way, we could looked for it together... but feel that DD won't have this understanding...that's why i felt pressured and afraid sometimes bahz... yar... afraid of my own DD... afraid of her temper...haiz...<br />How can like that?<br /><br />Anyway,she commented... then i just keep quiet and drive bahz... throughout the East Coast Park that stretch of road, we were very quiet... Till we reached the place for McDonalds, had a hard time finding a lot till i parked at a handicapped lot, DD got trouble getting out... then climb out from my door side. Think DD detest hearing me "mumble" to myself... then i asked she dun wanna go beach walk walk arz... she said its hot... then ok loh... noticed her wearing high heels... After we reached Mcs, we ordered a filet-o-fish meal to share... DD scanned her card for the member i think, i thought she was gonna snatch to pay again... haiz...blur me... Then after we sit down, i noticed her make-up... then i asked why she wore like going to chiong like that??? Then she said she was going... Diao... ok... if i never asked... i thinked she wouldn't have told me till the last minute... Why? Why DD, WHY?<br /><br />Ok... then she see my face changed... she thought i was just bringing her to makan and then she can go down to dance... haiz... she later told me she wanted to eat the Dian Xin at Geylang... haiz... she asked if i was planning some programmes later... coz my whole face changed oredi... but i tried to smile le... sometimes my face changed till i think is very obvious, she doesn't seem to notice... but yesterday night... i never really changed... just suddenly felt disappointed again bahz... coz everytime i planned something... it doesn't goes according to plan de... Then she say okok, she dun go to chiong le... said was a frenz bdae... Jansen or something... didn't know of this fren of hers... (in the end she still went, can feel she's eager to go, while sitting near the beach)<br />Then i say, no lah, never planned anything... haiz... wanted to eat le then hurry up send her to chiong le... but she said she dun haf to go so early... (end up DD go late end late) she told me go awhile only... Then asked me what i have to asked somemore... guessed she feels that everytime go out with me is just a answering question time... Everytime its like, she'll wait till i finds out or throw me a bomb in the last minute de... if i never asked... i think later i bring her to the beach then she told me she had to leave, then i'll really be angry and shocked... why is it that recently, she keeps meeting other people on the other half and meeting me for awhile only? Am i too bored to be with the whole day or night?<br /><br />After that we walked back to the carpark... and she said, didn't i wanted to walk at the beach? Then i told her i wana park further down... then go from there because i still have things to take... and furthermore we're parking at a handicapped spot... she begins to seem very frustrated and pissed... i wanted to hold on to my decision..but she said, we could just walk from here... why take things and find another spot? Makes me think that she didn't exactly like coming to East Coast bahz... then i wanted to give in to her... say ok, we'll walk here but just let me take my stuffs... and she said, why must i take my stuffs? Sianz... she see my face i think she changed her mind and says... okok do whatever you want...<br />Guess virgos are like that de bahz... liked to be in control? Sometimes i get pissed when people dun listen to me or take my ideas too... but think DD is different from that bahz.. since they like to be in control... why dun they plan something for me the next time for a change? eh?<br /><br />Ok, then i drove to the next carpark, found a spot. parked and brought my bag and pouch as we head towards the beach... DD wearing my slippers... very hard to walk and there was strong strong wind... i held her hand for a while, when we cut through the grass, DD didn't wanna go near the water side so we sat on the round stoned seats... think DD doesn't like to come to the beach... she told me she didn't like to put a mat and sit on the sand also... so she say to save my mat from being dirty...we sat on the seats... Then she asked me still got what questions for her...<br /><br />Wanted to find a quiet spot to sit down de... but the winds were really strong last night... Then she asked stuffs like why must find quiet spots? I figured that on a friday there will be alot of ppl de... I told her i wanted to do special for her mahz... but she didn't wanna go near to the beach... were near the grass patch there... in the end she see me so troubled, then told me ok lah...she pei he me for whatever i wanna do... but in the end she never listens... NEVER LISTENS... So i make do and did the special on the spot... Asked to turn back and dun see... she oso din listen... DD sang softly the whole nite... dunno why... So i use cylum sticks to make a heart shape for her... she asked me to stopped...dun waste the sticks.... and i listened... haiz... the heart shaped was formed, without the "I" and the "U"... she kissed me on the cheek and told me it was lovely and said how i know she like these sticks... anyway... i tried to kiss her back she didn't buldge.... at first but put her face closed the next time... Diao...<br /><br />After that we talked about us agian... about i asking her questions and she didn't mind that i asked too... and dun asked the same question over and over again... and i told her she couldn't blame me for being how i am now... she understood... and said if i really believed her a 100% now, i would really be an idiot... Then she also told me to do the things i have to do... coz i told her i got stuffs left undone... becoz i was stuck at our stuff... haiz... i know DD dun love me le lah... she told me she was worried for me and knew i worried for her then i asked... and i know that i knowing who i am... not her anyone le... shouldn't asked anymore... but DD kept saying she didn't mind me asking... but that was not my point... nvm, but tried to make DD understand.. wonder if she did...<br /><br />Then she made some funny faces with the blue cylum sticks before placing it back to the heart-shape pattern again... And she told me she haven been seeing him for a long time le... and i told her i'm not worried about that... just afraid she'll be meeting new frendster guys although i couldn't exactly care, can i? As i told her that i just wanted to hear a few more times the answer from her... and she said that goes to show i dun believe her liaoz... and told me i should have came down yesterday night... And i believed her le...now... after she told me so many times and after i forced her to almost pissed mode bahz... and she knows its her fault... that i dun believe her liaoz... I also told her that i hoped she wun lie to me anymore le... although she says i never lie to u after hearing this... i just telling u nia DD... and hope she will tell me if she have a new bf... and she explained her messages and calls that she got when i went to fetch her was messages from her bro's fren and frenz bahz...<br /><br />After that i asked her to tell me when she felt like going off le... then she say go bahz... ok loh... when walking back that time she asked me if i know why she and him no more le? I told her she never said and i guessed she will tell me once she feels like it... she told me it was because she feels that she Kui Qian me alot... and i told her i felt kinda guilty when she told me, but she said it wasn't all coz of me, that they can't be together le... but i still felt i was the casue of her breakup... she told me she didn't liked him... but i replied saying if she didn't loved him... she wouldn't have stead with him in the first place ritez? No one would do that... she kept quiet i think...<br /><br />Then talked about how i follow her everytime like her shadow like how i've said in my blog before... then she says no lah... she dun mind me following along with her, but she wants me to enjoy myself not sit there sian sinaz when i go chiong with her... then she says aiyah is she ren xing... And the more i she bu de her... i would tend to follow her again... like how i did feel when i was going to send her to MU, wanted to wait for her to drive her home... (but she late go home) And told her i'll try to stopped feeling like this and stopped bothering her abit by bit... she say no lah bahz... Told her also, dun becoz feel pity for me then give him up... she say they can't be togehter le... i said once she settled me then continue back with him bahz... i know she feels for him le... not me... i'm just pulling on her leg... obstructing her only... If not, she wouldn't have changed my name back to Daniel Teng on her phone...and put him maybe some sweet name bahz... unlike Poo de name wun changed de... Told her that this is something that know and i have to overcome it on my part... correct DD?<br />Then after that sent her to MU lohz... on the van she told me to keep the cylum sticks for her... and we talked again about me questioning everytime where she went... she said its not entirely becoz i cared or worried that i asked her where she is... she says sometimes she feels that she wants to tell me where she is...coz she's afraid i'll get worried... not becoz of xi guan le. Like how i said it to be...<br /><br />But she went to Amara and is going to Chiong, both also is i asked her then she tell me de... hmm... after we reached MU through some difficulties getting to orchard from tanjong pagar, DD scared dio when i made illegal turn... but i got look out for traffic lah... We were tuning in to 91.3 fm...and she have the same taste of songs as me...<br />Then reached somerset de carpark... She hugged me and kissed me twice or thrice before she left... but she still avoided letting me kiss her on the lips... i wonder why... refused that and refused me holding her hand... maybe she promised that guy something bahz... or she's mourning for the guy's r/s? Dunno... we did hold hands, kissed and huggies that time when we went Chinatown and a few days after she came to my place at night... but it stopped le bahz... tt time when she was still with him... wonder why... when was at the beach, i held her hand but she didn't hold tightly, like dun wanna hold like that, so i let go... anyway, i U-turn and saw her queing to go inside, but she didn't saw me... i went home to wait for her call and packed everything back in place and washed the cylum sticks and put botak with his kor kor to sleep...<br /><br />She 4+am then went to 7-11 alone to go home... alone or not i not sure lah... haiz... DD... always nite life... alone... so dangerous... she said she didn't feel sad and drink not becoz of him.. but i doubt that... she drank alot with me tt time when i vomitted... think it did affect her someway bahz... Anyway i waited for her to shower finished and talked on the phone saying where we're going tomorrow and stuffs... she wanted to eat the Geylang then maybe bring her there to eat loh... i also long time no eat le.. Then maybe go Tang Tang bahz... ;p<br />Do we still have a chance? I doubt so le bahz... i told her i know how she feels... i know... she just kept quiet... telling me silently that how i feel about her feeling for me is correct bahz...<br /><br />Want her to go home rest after work so didn't offer to picked her up from work... going to Chinatown to book the tour thingy bahz... dun say le... gotta go...late le... cya go back sleep and prepare for tonite...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 10th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1640 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Bb,hope u r having a gd rest nw...<br /><br />Replied msg: Heez...rare msg... :] rch hm til nw. haven slp yet..later slp awhile..here gona rain, worried. u rem to eat kz? later wad time u wana mit muz tell me hor!<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd wad time u wana meet?<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u still sleeping arz? late le...on my way dwn le.. tink b4 10pm will rch bahz..if u c tis my then reply or wad so tat i noe ur awake...<br /><br />Time: 2125 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Sorwee bb... I wake up le...<br /><br />P.S: Called at 2207 hrs, someone said that DD is bathing... end up... i waited and then DD replied<br /><br />Time: 2227 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Bb u alrite? Wru liao?<br /><br />Time: 2237 hrs 10 Sept 2005<br />Bb,u wan2 tk lift cum up nw?<br /><br />Time: 0100 hrs 11 Sept 2005<br />Bb,rch hm let me noe.. Hope u r nt drinking elsewhere. I'll wait 4ur call =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Dd...i knoe i've asked u tis qn a thousand times..& i hope u'll ans me tis once and for all.."uu dun luv me anymore/haf any feelings of luv besides worry for me le ritez" at least tell me..or say tat wad i'm feeling or thinking all tis while is correct..at least put a fullstop btw us..so tat u can carry on wid ur luv/life and i could stop harbouring any hopes of patching back... pls? and pls dun get stressed out or wad..juz a calm qn &amp; ans im hopin u'd gif<br /><br />Time: 0159 hrs 11 Sept 2005<br />R u on d bus oredi?? We tok on d phone later when u get hm yar... Hugz<br /><br />She came home late from work about 6.40-7+pm like that bahz... then called me? And said later still got meet and stuffs... told her to get some rest... and she said she'll sleep till 2030 hrs then wake up and call me... say will set alarm clock. And if she never called me, i can call her... But in the end i didn't. Wanted to let her rest more, and i've expected that she'll overslept. I got ready at 2030 hrs, but took my own sweet time, by the time i waited till the bus #960 came and reached her place, with the mooncakes, it was already 2207 hrs le... Called her home and someone i thought was her aunt told me she was bathing... so i went to draw money and waited for her at the void deck... Luckily she msged and said she didn't bathed...<br /><br />She's not ready yet, so i waited 7 mins like that b4 i went up to her floor to pass her the mooncakes... She wore the pink colour MANGO Tee and black 3/4 shorts/bermudas bahz... she never woret he shorts anymore le... wonder why... Then we took the lift down, she stood far away from me... didn't thought much of that at first...<br />Anyway, i was thinking lucky she wore like that and not nice nice... but we didn't go down to Geylang to eat, although she said we could... Haiz... i was still thinking whether i wanted to go down with Mermaid and frenz to dblO... sianz... when the Chen Hanwei is there... Anyway, we ate at the Da Jiang Nan... the auntie always wear cute dresses de... We shared a plate of Mee Goreng, and beer for me and coke for her... The Goreng was too hot for me, and i stopped after the first bowl... haiz... anyway DD dun believe me when i say i can't eat anymore le... coz juz now at home i ate fried rice... DD's face looked troubled or unhappy/black... the time when she came down... think she was disturbed from her sleep bahz, or she got problems? Although she said Mei Shi lah... everytime there's something wrong with us, we'll say Mei Shi to the other too...<br />Asked her if robin and gang were there yesterday night with her... they were, just as i expected... hmm, think my dancing too ugly le... i know can't compare to Robin de lah... in her heart anyway... but... coz i can't find anyone to go chiong at MU with me except DD... although DD also danced nicer and better than me of coz lah...<br /><br />After we ate finished... we went to POSB to deposit her cheque... After that found out its 2347 hrs le... so late! Then she couldn't eat anymore, although just now during dinner, she blurted that she could still go to Geylang after that... So late le, so i never go chiong le... She suggested going to walk walk or what loh... i asked her want to sit above? She dun wanna sit, so we walked to Chinatown direction loh... Walking past Da Jiang Nan again, she said i sweating le... then i say later go COSY there bathe loh... ... ... DD haven bathe... so sweat nvm...<br />Walking around till inside Chinatown de street then i tried to hold her hand, think 1st time she pulled away... but second time we held... (But dun think too much...) Then we walked past the indian mosque till Chinasquare there... Then she said she's tired le... and i replied i was gonna turn and head back too...<br /><br />We walked through the pubs along Ann Siang Road, towards Maxwell Food Centre there... after that we bought a can of Jia Jia Liang Teh after DD refused to sit down to drink... we drank and walked down from The One KTV de opposite down to her place... still holding hands... but she took and place it on my arm... maybe xi guan le or still scare people will see bahz... maybe to her, holding hand to hand is worst then hand to arm... After that i sent her up loh... tried to hug her... and kissed her... in the lift... she avoided me... and her eyes opened wide... like... ... ... i'm some bad/crazy person like that... <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">I see fear of me in her eyes...</span></span> maybe she's afraid of a pervert like me... Once again her Tee brought out her busty figure... and Tummy wasn't really showing lah... she avoided letting me kiss her lips time and time again... you dunno how that breaks my heart when i put my face forward and she pulled back... stepped back... or turned her face to the side... like i can only kissed her on the cheeks... and when i hug her... she never hugged me tight le...<br /><br />Something is definitely happening and is wrong bahz... something wrong somewhere... but DD wun tell me de... if there's a secret that could save me... she'd wait till i was dead before saying it out... ... ... Haiz... just what is wrong? so i left and walked back to Clarke Quay there to take a bus... all the time the question churns in my head... what is happening to us? From a couple till currently our situation now... haiz... alot have changed... people have changed... Can't DD see the change? Shouldn't we stopped, and look at what is happening between us now? Or is this what DD wished to happen? I waited for the bus till 2+ i think... about 1 hr + bahz... messaged DD a msg that she'll never reply de... knew she would pretend she never saw it, and told me to call her when i'm home... even if i did, she wouldn't mention anything about the msg... But its already very obvious that... DD dun love me le... And as for why she's still holding my hand and letting me kissed her cheek? Like how she said yesterday... maybe... she feels that she Kui Qian me too much le... then she take pity on me and let me kiss her as she suffered in silence... ... ...<br /><br />The problem is i dunno what happened to him and her... maybe she promised him something... maybe something like after she've end it totally with me... she'll then continue with him or something? Know that in her heart... my place has long been gone and replaced by someone le... I just want her to tell me... tell me straight...that she doesn't love me or doesn't feel anything le for our relationship liaoz... Why is DD so cruel? I plea her... no matter how i beg, she still won't tell me... or at least tell me, i've already known the answer, why am i still asking... like that i'll understand mahz... say DD pity me then let me kiss her... but yet, on the other hand... why couldn't she pity me... and tell me how she's feeling? If she still thinks there's hope de hua... And hope that i could wait for her... then tell me how long to wait... i will... Or maybe... she dun even know how she's feeling rite now...<br /><br />Avoiding/ not thinking about anything... until now... she haven thought a single minute about it... about us... how long can u run away from it? I know ur a master in avoiding and hiding from reality... but soon... i will really breakdown... and do something desperate... haiz...<br /><br />After taking the long journey home... I bathed... but wondered why i called her... after i called... knowing that she's sleeping already and not waiting for my call unlike me... But she still called back... awhile later... making me jump from my sleep... She was sleeping she says... told her to go back to sleep coz her voice really sounded like halfway wake up and call me de... she told me the phone was in her hands... Then she say no lah no lah no lah no lah... wanted to talk to me... then asked her to talk loh... then came the silence... she din even know what to talk to me about... i avoided asking about the reply for my msg, hoping she would tell me herself... but i was wrong... silence continues... so sad... that she have nothing to talk to me about le... is it really that you dun love someone le... there will be nothing to talk about le? I know this feeling... and i hope its not what DD is feeling... my ex use to call me... but since we've broken off le and i dun have feelings for her le... i kept quiet dunno what to say...<br /><br />Maybe that was how DD was feeling bahz... think our relationship will end like this bahz... unless DD can think it through... and find out how she feels for me... but i doubt so... my chances are close to zero looking at the way things are now... she say she wanted to talk to me de... but still kept quiet... or either she felt sorry for me only... so dunno what to say to me... ashamed of herself? Nahz... not becoz of this... becoz she doesn't love me liaoz... if she do... there'll be a hundred and one things to talked about... like how naggy i am when i'm with her... I've always been the same... She's the one who've changed... her feelings for me have changed...<br /><br />So to break the silence, i asked her who intiated the break... him or her... she just said 做么 leh? I said i just asked only since she got nothing to talk about... rather then keeping silent ritez? Then she say... ok lah ok lah ok lah ok lah... go sleep liaoz... then i say bye bye gd nite and hung up loh... haiz... disappointed... she's always like that... i already know her inside out le... but how much does she know me???<br /><br />Think about her attitude on the phone... disappointed and angry accompanied me to sleep... Think i dreamt of something, maybe her again... and i was crying in my sleep... then my eyes opened as i woke up in cold sweat, my back was all sweaty, as i kicked away my blanket to sleep... Thinking back when i was walking to Clarke Quay... no ger would want a Se Se bf de... would you? You wouldn't too... maybe this relationship was destroyed by my own hands once again... haiz... i'm the one who should be blamed for this...<br /><br />Saw her on MSN this noon...she talked abit bahz... about my nick: <span style=";font-family:SimSun;font-size:12;" lang="ZH-CN" >"为什么我连做梦都在哭?" </span>and i explained... asked me: "not going out later?", guessed when she's asking this... she got programmes later bahz... scare i'm bored at home? Anyway she got go where also wun tell me de... Then she said sori for the way she talked on the phone last nite... haiz... like how she told me before... or is it i tell her de.... not saying sorry everytime is she say de... the rest is i tell her de... a thousand times last time le bahz... but nothing's changed...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br />Dun always say sorry... It becomes useless after you use it too many times... If you are really SORRY, then try not to repeat the same thing each and every time and saying sorry after that... That way, you dun learn and nothing is changed... And you dun changed...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span>Yar, saying she'll change maybe is Fu Yan me de bahz... Its not that i dun believe u dear... i do... and i too hope you'll... for yourself...not for me... but... once its a habit... i know its very hard... although you never lose your temper so frequently le... think you're just keeping quiet like how you've said before... dun feel like talking anymore le... and maybe i'm the cause of it... I'm here to help you... not to pressure you... so you dun have to keep/hide anything from me de... Maybe DD feels that lying is a easy way to give an answer to someone for temporarily sake? So that she doesn't have to think so much? But, actually telling the truth is easier and faster and you dun have to think a way to lie... which the opposite wun find loopholes in...<br /><br />Sent msg: Din even wait, when my com got restarted...am i reali tat detestable to u?<br /><br />Time: 1400 hrs 11 Sept 2005<br />Bb, inez is using e com...She juz gt her new ipod nano... Download her songs nw..U dun believe can call, she's juz bside e com phone.Sigh.<br /><br />She didn't wait for me when my com restarts by itself... she says Inez wanted to use... how good a time Inez choosed the time... Sometimes, DD really will misunderstand me and i will too sometimes misunderstand her... Its coz DD doesn't know me well bahz... Is not that i dun believe you...!!! Its just i wanted to continue to talk to her... coz i know she'll talk more on MSN rather than on the phone de... haiz... but she misunderstands me de rate is higher than when i misunderstands her...<br /><br />Oh yar... wanna say that DD long time never read my blog le... guess... some things that is important to her before doesn't show much importance to her anymore... can see that she's just chucking everything aside and behind of her... not wanting to think about it and moving on... thinking about other things, like work, studies and going for holidays... but my one flaw and good point both is i like to linger in the past... looking for an answer to everything... working things out till there's no way le... before moving on... that's the main difference between me and Deardear...<br /><br />I'm almost giving up le lah... there's no way i could changed DD's way of thinking and feeling... I've tried everything i could... but they wun changed so easily de lah... and from dinner last nite you boys and girls can see that they are very... how to say... you muz do things their way or the way they want, if not they'll get frustrated or get pissed... simple things like eating mee goreng... maybe thats the qualities that can make them leaders bahz... everyone muz follow them then they happy... Just something extra to let you all know~! Very tired le... no matter how good i do... DD wun recover her feelings for me anymore... maybe in her eyes, she've seen one to many of my flaws le... Like being Se Se or no frenz... etc. To cut it short... I'm not perfect enough for her...<br /><br />Sent msg: U gg out?<br /><br />Time: 1611 hrs 11 Sept 2005<br />Outside... Wif cindy. Sorry din noe u will feel dis way, made u misunderstood. Sorry.<br /><br />Knew it when she asked if i was going out or not... she'd haf plans oredi... haiz... what i've been thinking and feeling has all been correct all this while... Told you all so... and she wun tell me where she went... anyway... she dun have to report me or what... just wanna show you all that certain way people speaks meant something de... now i've known what she mean when she say or do something... but does she understands me? ... it doesn't matter le bahz...<br /><br />Think dun need planned anything for next next week le bahz... too late... oh well... think later i've to go down Chinatown Point see VCD... my old stupid habit... of asking her if she's going out... if not sure ask her accompany me de... haiz... old habits gotta changed... seems like i'm always the one asking her out... what does this show? That i can't live without her? That i'm constantly bothering her... she wun even ask me out de... coz she always got programmes... yar... you're rite, DD... i got no frenz de... that's why i'm always sticking with you... told you i will try not to ask you out le... will fulfil your wish and leave you alone de... go live our separate lives bahz... but rite now quite hard lah, to change overnite... but... will stopped myself from msging u, or asking you out... bit by bit i'll try...<br /><br />Struggled throughout the whole afternoon... the longest of my sunday... i nearly died... wanted to go Chinatown point de... but i'll only be there for awhile... dunno where to go after that... dun want to msg her... kept my part of my words... at least for today... but the first day also nearly killed me le... i can't imagine... haiz... in the end, i still didn't went down to Chinatown point... coz dunno where to go after i see the VCDs, and i dun want to end up drinking at her place again... wanted to bring botak__gui along too... coz if she message me later (hope), then maybe that could give me an excuse to see her again... wanted to bring botak__gui back to her de... although i told her i'll let him stay till her birthday... And i told Botak before... that he can come back, if his mama ever returns to me... if not, he muz be by mama's side to protect her... the more sons at her side the merrier and safer...<br />Furthermore, it rained before i could go out... sigh... it always rain when i'm sad... seems like i'm the Light... (in MIB II). Tomorrow go back work le... i only have 3 days or should i say 3 nights every week to go out only... i hope to have a break and have a good time during my weekends... but always ended up hoping for weekdays to come sooner... so i could work and work... and not worry about a thing... Think i'm the most pitiful and lowest of all life-forms now...<br /><br />Lied on the bed, struggling to stopped myself from messaging her, from asking her out... really really really difficult to... a tear fell from my eye... really didn't saw this coming 8 months ago... finally kept the pink piggy picture card that we took into my album, been in my pouch since we took that... saw the first pic we took dated 020904... she and me both wearing white... she looked great as ever in her long sleeved shirt... guessed i'm just a "non-serious" bf in part of her life only bahz... i know that there's no way in hell we could go back to before le... just felt really torned apart that she seems to be afraid of me and avoiding me... cannot imagined how she might be feeling, keeping all to herself and bringing herself to still hold my hand and kiss my cheeks... muz be hard on her too, to do that still... haiz...<br />Dunno what to do... the struggles stopped only after i received her msg...<br /><br />Time: 1859 hrs 11 Sept 2005<br />Me at hm le =) hope u r feeling better. Anything call me yar..<br /><br />I despise myself... i feel that i couldn't live without her... without seeing her, without being with her... haiz... I longed the whole time during my struggle to receive her msg... maybe asking if i wanna go out (although she doesn't ask me out de, except the first time we met...) but yet, yet... at the same time... another part of me is relieved that she didn't msg... i knew she wouldn't too... but was kinda surprised she still remembered to msg me when she came back... didn't expect it... then it will happen bahz... At the same time... i hoped, she wouldn't contact me le... so it will make me leave her alone... i want her to be cruel to me... and to be kind to herself... i know i shouldn't still be there... be hanging around her... i shouldn't... but yet... i did... why... why can't i shake myself away from her?<br /><br />The two sides is tearing me up... the path i myself want to head... and the path that i want others to see, so they wun gossiped... not exactly coz of that... but i too want DD to be happy in her life... i really do... but my heart is being childish... i yearned to be with her every single day, every minute of my life... :,,( I'm such a failure... Guessed there's a saying which is: 口是心非, which best describes me bahz... Saying to leave her alone for very long le... but still didn't honour my words... People like me is the worst... the most detestable de...<br />Haiz... am i really Se Se? Not really... when i'm with DD... i truly loves her... but looking at how our love slowly fades into nothingness... really pains my heart... i wish i wasn't so observant... then i wouldn't have to witness such a painful event like that... but DD would never ever know bahz... she never sees my blog le... and she's too naive? ignorant? or too 'ren xing' like how she'll say to ever understand or cherish what we're losing here... sometimes i envy her... if only i too, could take everything, relationship matters i mean... that comes my way, in my stride and take it lightly...<br />Like how a oversea fren told me... all my pain and sorrow are self-inflicted ... yes... i know... all becoz of 一句放不下。。。haiz... I understands that DD just want to be loved... and not wanna give anything in return/doesn't know how to... i understand her circumstance? I mean her 处境.<br />But what matters is at least... today is over le... and tomorrow is back to the numbing days at work... Guessed i can only take one step at a time bahz...<br />Wonder if DD will call me later... should i pick up or call back? Even if i do, she won't have anything to talk to me about le... and i dun want to get angry or quarrelled with her anymore le... What should i do?... Didn't manage to go down chinatown this weekend... think can't book the trip on time to celebrate her birthday le... but ... guessed for this year... she'll either be chionging, with her frenz or with someone she wants to be with bahz... Think won't have the chance to spent it with her alone for the whole day le... Anyway, i haven't thought of what to give her... only spending time planning on what to do only...<br /><br />Seems like we're drifting further apart le... unknowingly to her bahz...<br />Yup, she doesn't have anything to talk to me anymore le... she's in MSN, but we didn't talked... maybe she'll say she's talking with her bro... or checking emails or her frenster bahz...<br />I dunno what will happen in the coming days le... i shrugged to even think... but whatever happens... at least i can be assured that DD is living her life happily without thinking of all those sad things... She changed her pic again... to her sad face... think she talking to a guy bahz... guesses lah...<br />Kz... that's all for tonite... need a crying session for tonite bahz... bottled up too much again... gotta let some out... 哭宝宝 bunz...<br /><br />She went online at 10+pm, close to 11pm... talked for awhile... actually not talk lah... she said she reading my blog... then the Date with a Vampire III start le... i asked her go see... but she didn't see... so in the end till 1am... didn't talk...coz i thought she was watching tv... Diao... then later i saw her picture keep changing... she said she searching for avril and u are beautiful song... dunno chatting at MSN or what bahz... then say go wash up and go pack bag + fold ironed clothes... then went offline le... didn't talk at all...<br />Think she oso dun wanna talk to me liaoz bahz after reading my blog... 1.30 am le... her bedtime... think she wun called me today le... oh well... gd nite DD... sweet dreams...<br /><br />Haiz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 12th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0201 hrs 12 Sept 2005<br />Bb... Wan an.. Sweet dreamz. If u can't slp juz call me yar =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Sweet dreamz deardear... wan an...<br /><br />Time: 1841 hrs 12 Sept 2005<br />Bb i m hm safely... Nw lying on d bed. Hope u r nt caught in e rain. 4get 2 remind u 2 take umbrelly...<br /><br />Replied msg: ...so fast ar...haven rain yet..dun worry..and i dun take umbrelly de..u faster go rest if ur weak.. rem to wake up 4 dinner..anything happen call me bahz..<br /><br />Time: 1844 hrs 12 Sept 2005<br />Faster get hm kz =) xiao xin...<br /><br />At least had a good talk to DD today... on MSN... although there was some problems of my stoopid collegues hogging the computer... but still managed to talk to her properly... cleared most of my doubts le... for detailed conversation... can refer to the pink diskette which will soon be transferred to My Computer de Received Files folder...<br />The main thing is that DD finally answered my question le...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"You dun feel anything for me le ritez?"<br /><br />DD's answer: ya<br /><br /></span></span>Having this answer is enough le... DD always say she feels like a convict being asked question by me everytime... i'm like dat bastard (like how she said) who likes to ask and ask... can't imagine she'll use this word... and saying even if we're back together, will i feel secure? I think she saw my blog till the part which i post my conversation with my fren, its in bold because it showed me the truth, and i want to remind myself of it... I know DD doesn't want me to think and think and think... Oh, and she says to <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Let nature take itz course" </span></span>bahz... <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span>but, DD... dun you know that i just want this one question to be answered is enough for me to leave you alone le... no more questions... she still says stuffs like she sided with me and insisted our photo not to be deleted and stuffs... And she's feeling guilt-ridden over the whole incident that she feels is all her fault that it happened... including the side-effects that i'm feeling... juz glad that at least she's aware of what's happening to us... and how i'm feeling... yar... possessiveness seems to feels my mind le... its becoz i couldn't bear to see you with another guy you know? Anyway all is said and done with your answer...<br /><br />Nothing to say anymore... and i know you want to see me concentrate on my work... at least now i know that you dun feel anything for me anymore... i will let you go... let you be free, and may you find a guy you love in the future bahz... juz hoped you'd understand why i didn't wanted to let go b4 is... i dun wan to waste our youth... if we got a chance to be together... let it be now... and not like 3-5 years later... then IF we get back together... we'll Bai Bai lose the few years in between... in a battle among ourselves... you understand?<br /><br />I know now how you feel... And i will try my best to slowly get outta your life de... but if you really need help... remember like what you said... i'm still here and always will be... coz... ... ...<br />I'm willing to be one of your closest person to look for, whenever you're in trouble... if you can't count on your aunties or family or bro when they're occupied...<br /><br />...Juz hoped you wun feel guilty or blame yourself and always go chiong or torture yourself by not eating or feeling depressed... you're not to blame... you ended with me before you started with him... you did nothing wrong... and you dun owe me anything... this is perhaps... life bahz...<br />Just hope that you'll be happy with life... and dun think for one minute that no one cares about you in this world... Be happy bahz... :,(<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span><br />The sky turned real black when i was heading home today... fasinating why it always seems to have heavy rain when i feel down...<br /><br />Time: 2328 hrs 12 Sept 2005<br />Bb,haf a gd rest can.. Last nite u din slp well.. Anything call me kz,though i noe u wun.. Still i would wan2 hear fr u..<br /><br />I too would want to hear from you... but... what the use... you also dun have feelings for me le... yesterday i was watching SummerSlam, that's why so late sleep... And i didn't have my crying session yesterday night... think i'll have it later so i can't call you...<br />Good night and sleep tight... hopes your period gets well... Take care...<br />erm... Muackz from Elmo and Botak___gui to you...<br />Sweet Dreamz...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br /><br /></span><br />Tuesday 13th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1257 hrs 13 Sept 2005<br />we click 2gether cos U tink i'm Nice i tink U're Nice<br />U think i'm CooL i tink U r CooL<br />U tink i'm Sweet i tink U're Sweet<br />U tink i'm cute i tink U're right<br /><br />Time: 1330 hrs 13 Sept 2005<br />Sorri my boss at my desk... Haf a gd lunch...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...wad did d doc say? u alrite? if u resting nw then dun reply...wan an...<br /><br />Time: 0322 hrs 14 Sept 2005<br />Bb i din c doc, clinic was closed... Tmr morning den go c liaoz... I juz gt up, gonna go back 2 slp again. Dun worry, will let u noe tmr. U slp well kz.<br /><br />Replied msg: Hh...go back sleep then bahz...sweet dreamz... slp tight...<br /><br /><br /><br />Wedesday 14th September 2005<br /><br />Haiz... 4D ran away from me again... having 3 24 pa in 3 different prize amount... 9549 2nd prize my IC, 6102 Starters my birthday and my van license plate 4216 in Consolation. Haiz... buy other people's number but didn't buy mine again. Coz it opened last week le... haiz... Keep thinking about what other number to buy today... whole mind's on DD...<br />Take care DD... still recovering from our conversation these few days... =]<br />I'll be fine... at least i know, you dun feel anything for me le...<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 15th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0902 hrs 15 Sept 2005<br />Bb zao an =)<br /><br />Sent msg: Guess u rch hm le... go rest bahz...muz b groggy becoz of d medi...take care...<br /><br />Time: 1923 hrs 15 Sept 2005<br />Haven, went 2 caltax hse with my lady colleague juz nw. Nw pack e 'dong fen' hm 2eat, hehe =p<br /><br />Time: 1946 hrs 15 Sept 2005<br />Safely hm... U eating nw?<br /><br />Replied msg: Tot u went hm le nvr msg me juz nw..i walkin hm le..dd dun always eat dong fen..nt nutritous..take care of urself.<br /><br />Time: 2056 hrs 15 Sept 2005<br />I gt msg u! U fell aslp ah bb?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...no lah..i mean i c 7+ le u stil haven msg me..so i ask u if u rch hm then u msg me mahz.dun get work up or..<br /><br />Time: 2101 hrs 15 Sept 2005<br />Hehe no work up, me nw resting... Shake leg on d bed.<br /><br />Replied msg: Yup...rest well bahz dd... bb wun gif u anymore stress le... =/<br /><br />Time: 2105 hrs 15 Sept 2005<br />U no gif me stress, u care 4me lahz, i noe =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Nope...hee..yar lah..care..and wan u to say le jiu yao do.. ;p i go eat le...<br /><br />Talked on MSN with her during work... saw a doc le... and doc say DD hormones imbalance... maybe due to stress or what that's why her period from the normal 7 days become 12 days le...<br />She asked me whether i wanna meet for dinner, either today or tml nite... but in the end, we made it tmr nitez...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 16th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1800 hrs 16 Sept 2005<br />Bb wru le?<br /><br />Replied msg: juz left clementi mrt stn..y?<br /><br />Time: 1801 hrs 16 Sept 2005<br />Scare u wait 2 long mahz...<br /><br />Time: 1836 hrs 16 Sept 2005<br />Bb, u at tanjong pagar le har?<br /><br />Replied msg: Yar...<br /><br />Time: 1847 hr 16 Sept 2005<br />Wru liao?<br /><br />Replied msg: Sitting at facing mrt toilet..u rch le ar?<br /><br />Time: 2142 hrs 16 Sept 2005<br />Bb.. Thx 4 e nite =) tk gd care on d way hm...<br /><br />Sent msg: U slping or u busy har? i go eat sumthing and watch shw le..later anything then call me bahz..but my hands dirty so cannot reply asap.<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u alrite bahz?<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...if later u wake up or wad for awhile..can msg me so tat i knoe ur safe and sound at hm? raining wid thunder at my place..slp well.. erm... hugz...<br /><br />Agreed to meet DD for dinner today...but she said to meet at the west area because she got basic theory there... but becoz of i say she shun bian then come meet me de... then she nvr go for her test... end up bringing me to a cozy place at Amara for a Sirloin Steak set, which was delicious.<br /><br />We argued abit in MSN today, coz again... she said to accompany me go see toys on Sunday... i knew something was wrong... asked her where she's going on Saturday? Chiong? Then she said ya... wonder if i dun ask will she tell me? Everytime is i ask then i know de... haiz... yar... dun really like her going there without me... maybe coz i envy her and i lonely bahz... or i jealous dun wanna let her go meet new guys... she said is i concern about her she knows... and she assured me that she knows how to take care of herself... coz her fren'z gf kana dead rape b4... When i was having the steak and listening to their nice songs... started to think about the past again... about what we said few days ago on MSN, that i finally know that she doesn't have any feelings for me le... and things she said when we were together last time... and that day when she was so bored that she blew her temper saying she's so bored going out with me... all these images appeared in my mind again... Talked alot and DD asked why i dun like her to go dancing when she haven met me she's already a dancing freak... she says she doesn't like to know other guys or what... just like to know more dancing people.. well, everyone knows how to dance... yar... i know...<br /><br />Said that DD just doesn't like me to go with her to chiong bahz... coz like will make her uneasy and dampen her mood de everytime i go with her... well... that's why she's aware of that, so she never asked me to go with her anymore... unless i self-volunteer... but she will think that i'm following her and dun trust her... or maybe i will throw her face in front of her frenz when i'm such a poor dancer... unlike her sexy moves which never fails to get attention from all the guys at MU... sigh...<br /><br />Well, you go enjoy bahz... i'm starting to hate weekends le... no work... nothing to do... haiz... maybe i too lonely le bahz... no frenz... no where to go... nothing to do... at home going crazy while DD is enjoying herself at a pub/disco... haiz... lonely, sour, jealous, selfish me... juz dun wanna lose her i guess, although i've already lost her... which her only answer is ...I am always here... or still here... which she say i can read her like a book le... well, that's what she'll say what... juz continue with our non-commitment relationship bahz, i told her... and told her long time never bathe together le... she said ya...<br /><br />After dinner, which DD only drank soup... we walked to Chinatown there to check the tour thingy...but most shops close le... so... sent her back after buying some shampoo and stuffs... yup... no hugz... juz kisses on the cheeks... that's all... then i went back le...<br /><br />DD called when i'm still on the bus... missed call bahz... then later called again and i told her i haven reach home... she told me she was dead worried... but i say...so kua chan meh? Then after that after my bath and messages plus calls, she never picked up le... now my turn to worry for her... will wait till she reply me then i go slp de... Time now is 3am... i off com go lie on bed to wait for her reply le... oh yar, and DD started to go on friendster again le after a long time... maybe know frenz there again... hmmm... haiz... nothing will happen de bahz...<br /><br />ciao...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 17th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1841 hrs 17 Sept 2005<br />Bb u gt eat mah? Doing wat nw? Me at hm... Anything call me kz =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Gt...juz wake up ar? feeling better le ma?<br /><br />Sent msg: Dun mind then i join u hor...bored at hm... u wad time gg dwn? i rch le then tell u bahz...<br /><br />Time: 2202 hrs 17 Sept 2005<br />Juz dun wan u 2 feel awkward n sian bahz...Den oso scare u dun like it as far as i noe when ppl cum over n approach though u noe i wun gif them my no. =)<br /><br />Time: 2207 hrs 17 Sept 2005<br />Anywayz reach le msg o call me yar.. Me cum up n sign u in =) tk care on d way...<br /><br />Time: 2305 hrs 17 Sept 2005<br />Bb wru? U ok mah?<br /><br />Replied msg: I ok lah...awhile later then i go in... b4 1115pm bahz...hws d crowd?<br /><br />Time: 2308 hrs 17 Sept 2005<br />Nt much ppl leh...<br /><br />Time: 0445 hrs 18 Sept 2005<br />I noe n i understand y u dun believe my words... It ain't ur fault... Tk care on d way back n haf a gd rest... Sorri i kept throwing temper.<br /><br />Time: 0454 hrs 18 Sept 2005<br />I reach her place i'll gif u a msg... Dun worry alrite... Thx 4 e company 2nite.<br /><br />Sent msg: its gona b a rainy dae again... slp tite wid him... do me a favour..if we meet tml..can i haf d photos tat we took in bangkok? thx...<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 18th September 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: R u at hm?<br /><br />Time: 1912 hrs 18 Sept 2005<br />Meet u at ard 8.30pm? Wru nw? Did u slept last nite?<br /><br />Replied msg: Tell me where to mit bahz..i outside...<br /><br />Time: 2041 hrs 18 Sept 2005<br />Meet at bugis ard 9.. Ok 4u? If nt u tell me where kz.. Sorri<br /><br />Replied msg: K<br /><br />Time: 0104 hrs 19 Sept 2005<br />Bb,u hm oredi?<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 19 September 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd..gt get caught in the rain mahz? haiz.. wil try to cheer up more so it wun rain so often..hughugz tight tight keep u warm warm...although im nt fat enuff...<br /><br />Time: 0922 hrs 19 Sept 2005<br />-.- nt caught in e rain but was late... Hmmm u muz tk gd care yar. Later u log on den we tok. Hugz<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 20th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0911 hrs 20 Sept 2005<br />Bb, zao an =) tk care at work hor...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...i rch hm le...seems like its gona rain again..eat le then go rest hor..wait tummy tao qi again.. hugz to my little ugly duckling... -daniel teng-<br /><br />Time: 2029 hrs 20 Sept 2005<br />I m hm... Went 2 shop at amara alone, found 2 pairs of shoe fr charles n keith... Spent less den 50bucks. Cum hm juz nice,rain le. Bb gt keep warm? Eaten?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...tot u werent gona msg me...y go alone? we can go tmr mahz..i buy 4 u...juz ate..u? me nt wearing shirt haha...cold then cold lah..i thermometer de..need my warm water bag..but i seem to misplace it le...my place haven rain yet.lucky u nt caught in d rain...<br /><br />Time: 2130 hrs 20 Sept 2005<br />Bb... Watch channel 8 k... Me nw eat maggie watch teebee =p u haf a gd rest first n njoy e show...<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 21st September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1807 hrs 21 Sept 2005<br />Bb zai nai li liao?<br /><br />Replied msg: One mre stop.<br /><br />Sent msg: I rch le..waiting on top at d usual place.. scaqe u waiting at d bottom.<br /><br />Time: 2200 21 Sept 2005<br />Bb... Me juz finish watch teebee gonna change le. Whaha! Thx 4 e nite =)<br /><br />Time: 2313 hrs 21 Sept 2005<br />Bb u safely hm?<br /><br />Replied msg: Call u later k?<br /><br />Time: 2327 hrs 21 Sept 2005<br />Bb...U ok? Btw 9220 open 4D... Hehe.<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 22 September 2005<br /><br />Sent: 0000 hrs 22 Sept 2005<br />生 日快乐！Hope u'll haf a gd time and may all ur dreamz and wishes come true. Take good care of urself and sleep tight tonite... hugz & kisses... Luv... Sweetest bdae dreamz and get well soon... muackz~!<br /><br />Time: 0919 hrs 22 Sept 2005<br />Bb zao an!! hee gd day to u =)<br /><br />Time: 1329 hrs 22 Sept 2005<br />Bb mei shi de... Hugz<br /><br />Time: 1804 hrs 22 Sept 2005<br />Wru le? Oinkz =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Rch tiong bahru le.<br /><br />Time: 2237 hrs 22 Sept 2005<br />Bb... Thx 4 e nite. Though i wasn't feeling well but i was touched. Hugz.. Tk care on d way hm kz =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Dd...i rch hm le..dun worry if ur waiting up for me... haf an early rest and get well soon bahz... happy bdae again and hope tat d wishes u wished for will come true~...gd nitez...<br /><br />We went to No Signboard Seafood Restaurant to eat. She not feeling well. Then Mood was bad, hers and mine... each one take turn. After that went up to the roof terrace to cut the birthday cake before hurrying to send her home. After i messaged her when i reach home, she didn't messaged me le till 23/09/05 evening...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 23rd September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1920 hrs 23 Sept 2005<br />Bb u eaten =) watcha doing?<br /><br />Time: 0303 24 Sept 2005<br />Bb R u alrite??<br /><br />23rd September 2005, it was said that she was going out with her bf... todae... to eat steamboat or what bahz... yup, she took leave today juz to accompany him... which she used to do b4, take leave or MC to accompany me or come to my house... didn't get her reply for the whole day... till evening. But it was alrite, i told myself i would disappear after her birthday le... wanted to book her for the rest of the week de... but after i sent her home on 22nd night. She didn't call me... maybe she was sick, with someone or didn't want me to ask her out tomorrow bahz... so juz let her be bahz... anyway everytime she's with me, she'll get angry de... dunno why... busy preparing the "best present" for her.<br /><br />She gave me a missed called about 0257 hrs before messaging me again at 0303 hrs bahz... yup, she's using her hp to call me... guess so late le... wun be anyone using her home phone... that can only means she's out bahz... i dun wan to go and think so much where she is, or who she's with... I've oredi seen where she went b4 le anyway... saw the message at about 5+ am bahz... juz wanna go sleep... dreamt lots of times, the same dream...wonder if its continuous one dream or what... think it was... a long long dream till i woke up in the morning 9+am or dunno when... dreamt of us at Bangkok... but of course the scene/environment looks funny... coz is dream mahz... and lots of strange things happen... Saw junior near me that's why i thought maybe my hp under him rang... i put junior facing me lying there on my left side while sleeping... so whenever i wake up and turn left i can see his smiling face...<br /><br />Trying not to think so much le... although sometimes when my mind is blank for too long, will think of what she's doing with him... but still constantly putting things inside my mind to think or go to sleep...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 24th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 1220 hrs 24 Sept 2005<br />Bb, we still going 2 e education fair later?? U alrite? Me nw going clinic at amara 2 do checkup...<br /><br />Replied msg: The fair i go alone bahz. rest well at hm or go out if u gt plans. dun need wait for me.<br /><br />Time: 1316 hrs 24 Sept 2005<br />Huh? But i wanna go with u... Mr chkup juz finish, freak out when i saw needle draw blood. Nvm bahz u take care..If u wan me 2acc u den tell me yar.<br /><br />Replied msg: If u still wana go down then i meet u at 4 at city hall mrt stn.<br /><br />Time:<br />Sorri Bb, i juz woke up... Haiz... u on d way oreadi?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nvm..at city hall..ard there.. u wana come then i wait awhile nvm.<br /><br />Time: 0151 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Bb techno le...<br /><br />Time:<br />Bb u okie?<br /><br />Time: 0519 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Showered? U kena rain juz nw lehz...<br /><br />Replied msg: i rch hm le... dun worry liaoz, go slp bahz... din saw who u hug juz nw... wo mei shi le...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd... sorry i spoiled ur date with him... dun go dwn to meet him le can???...<br /><br />Time: 0525 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Huh i at hm nw, waiting 4ur call lehz. I call u nw kz...<br /><br />Time: 0543 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Bb haf a gd rest... U r beary tired le. Sweet dreamz =)<br /><br />Went to chiong with DD in the end again... coz i dun wanna go with my frenz to dblo, besides they never answer my call too... she told me her fren bdae at MU... dunno in a row for how many weeks we went le... think 4 weekends liaoz. Drank one bottle of Tiger at her place while waiting for her to bathe. Then two cans of Barons at the 7-11, a little sip of her red wine then was about to kill me le... Robin asked me to look at DD, while she danced behind me... nearly doze off towards the end about 3+am bahz... vomiting a little in the toilet and together dancing with her...when i after opened my eyes abit, saw her hugging someone... i didn't see its who but think will know is her bf le... ... ... when i try to look, didn't remember seeing anyone... think i too wasted le. She told me let's go then i went togther with her, i said i wanted to get something to drink first for i'm scare that she wanted to go back to MU. So we drank something before it strated drizzling and DD wear skirt cannot sit at the MRT there, so we walked to the bus-stop to wait for bus... i told her not to pei me wait for the bus... ask her wanan go back then go back to MU to pei her bf bahz... but she said she going home...<br /><br />In the end, took a cab with her, and dunno if she got missed call me anotz... think got, when she went home... then i went back... vomit... bathe and went to sleep... called her after she missed call me... was drunk... told her i loved her or what before ending the call. She assued me she's not going anywhere bahz...<br /><br />Woke up the next morning alrite le... but up till now... still can't beleieved that she hugged him in front of me... although i'm almost gone le... but shouldn't do that bahz... regret not staying awake to see what really took place... haiz...<br /><br />Sunday 25th September 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: morning Dd... im missing u so badly again... haiz... can't accept the fact that i've oredi lose u... can u reply tat u dun love me liaoz to me?<br /><br />Time: 1611 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Bb Where u wanna meet? Eaten?<br /><br />Replied msg: I changed and go dwn meet u nw bahz.<br /><br />Time: 1624 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Okie,take ur time kz... Cya!<br /><br />Time: 1729 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Bb wru liaoz?<br /><br />Time: 1802 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />Eh? Wru bb?<br /><br />Time: 2215 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />U gt buy 2290? Thx 4 sending me hm... Sorri think me quite tired cos of e menses thingy...<br /><br />Replied msg: Nvr buy... 9018 oso nvr buy...haiz...lost all my luck le when u left... rem wad i wanted to say... tot u were giving urself time to tink abt it..but seeing u start another r/s means u thot it thru le bahz...sorri i cant do like u said and forget everything we've been thru... take care alrite? btw im hm le... dun worry abt me..juz cont to b how u r bahz... dun care abt me.. =) haf a gd nite slp.<br /><br />Time: 2330 hrs 25 Sept 2005<br />No lahz bb,u r lucky =) dun anyhow say kz... I m still here, dun crop urself at hm yar.Dun force urself n make urself miserable.C u like dat i heart pain...<br /><br />Replied msg: Im nt forcing anything on myself...rather i tink ur forcing urself to run away which i c le oso heart pain... yup i knoe ur still there...but concerning matters of d heart, of my heart..wil u stil b there? u noe wad i mean de... i duno wad to do anymore le..juz wan u to b safe, b urself, b true to urself and dun play ard le bahz...i wil worry de...and heart wil pain de...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 27th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0033 hrs 27 Sept 2005<br />^(-oo-)^ haf a gd nite rest k... Slp tite<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 29th September 2005<br /><br />Time: 0144 hrs 29 Sept 2005<br />Bb... Zao an,i juz woke up, been sleeping since 7pm n miz my 9pm show -.- watcha doin??<br /><br />Sent msg: ...u gt watch d chU shw? juz asking...nvm...<br /><br />Time: 2230 hrs 29 Sept 2005<br />Ya 2dae juz watch.. Y leh?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nth...juz asking...<br /><br />Haiz... dunno why i msg her after i saw the Love Boat show on Channel U... sigh... struggled before i juz go ahead and messaged her... haiz... juz that i saw the Din very ke lian like that and their story is very nice... =|<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 30th September 2005<br /><br />Today is the last episode of the Love Boat show on Channel U... wonder if DD caught it... didn't asked her... think she's with him outside bahz... very nice ending... but she see le, also won't feel anything de... oh yar... she asked me in the morning over MSN to ask me out tmr bahz... I'm working tmr... dunno she knoes or not, and wonder if she's working too... Is this to repay for my whole week's of not disturbing her, and letting her be with him? Is it for my 成全？Why can't things be straightforward like my character sometimes?<br /><br />Although i know that i'm too straightforward liaoz at times... haiz... i never reply her bahz... think she feels pity for me and dun wan me to crop up at home bahz... think tmr she going chiong again, so she could hug and kiss him there at MU, and Sunday they going out bahz...<br />Haiz... not my problem...<br /><br />After i watched the show i went to bathe... yup, again that show told me lots of meanings... Weichen stood a chance becoz he knew that Yama still loves him deep in her heart... but me? Like Din, already know that Weichen will never ever love her, or should i say he love a ger but its not Din...<br />While bathing i thought... yup... if DD never gave me a chance that day 020904... i think i wouldn't have be with her... I'm already lost far far away from the truth le...<br />I've found out at last tonight... Till now i still can't answer why or what DD see in me that makes her think she loves me before... maybe she doesn't love me from the beginning... its all juz a game to her... that explains we shotgun to Bangkok and so on... yar... maybe she thought i'm one of those play play type too... and that's a YES... i play in relationship and is not committed type...<br /><br />Anyway, why make myself so sad and sorrowful... although i can never ever erase or stopped those flashbacks of her doing some things with her guy... I'll have to live with it one way or the other... I will, forget all that we all have been through... anyway, its a dream anyway and it didn't happen... DD is juz a fren to me now le... am i juz deceiving myself? Let's see how it goes bahz... whether this mentality would be easier for me to bear...<br /><br />Yup, i'm changing my mentalities like changing clothes like that... but i can't help it can i?<br />Hope DD know what she's doing... Although Man's effort may be able to twart fate... but what's the use if the ger have totally no feelings for you... Comprende?<br />What will happen tomorrow? Don't think so much le...<br />I think my brain is going dead...<br /><br />Yesterday night, when i lied on my bed, my head was spinning and spinning like ... pratically its spinning loh... then i become dizzy liaoz... my vision starts to shift/turn clockwise... without my head or eyes moving... i juz opened my eyes and laid there staring straight as i see my vision shift... its like looking into a Kaleidoscope or something lah.. same thing happen when i wake up...<br />Only can lie still and wait for the images to stopped shifting... shook my head and close my eyes rest for a while... aiya... dunno what's wrong with my body lah...<br /><br />All i know is if this goes on...its either cancer would come or gastric bleeding will come... still waiting for my insurance which i know will never come de... haiz... wish i could start paying for some insurance le... at least can save abit... but i know DD's long forgotten about it le... haiz... wait till something happen to me then see she guilty anotz bahz... think until then, also no contact le... oh well... take a step at a time bahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 1st October 2005<br /><br />Haven't met DD since i gave her the box and intend to give her Roti Boi in the ball... She messaged me on MSN asking me to go out... but i didn't reply her... so Saturday, she worked and i worked... in the end both of us stayed at home bahz... till evening... never really slept... was online and waiting for her msg.<br /><br />Sent msg: Happy children day to me Mama... r u out wif daddy?<br /><br />Time: 1944 hrs 01 Oct 2005<br />Hahaz happy children's day. Mama at home... Lying on d bed watching elmo kor kor. Wat is papa doing?<br /><br />Replied msg: Huh? u mean uncle black face bunz arz...he somersaulting for me to c loh..but seems like gt rain fall on me so i ran and hid inside my plastic bag and watch him... dun bluff lah..elmo kor kor told me he inside a plastic bag oso and chucked together wid all ur bags at d stairway...<br /><br />After that she called me bahz... and we talked about Junior's life here at my place... his uncle's place... thin as i am, and he doesn't recognize me anymore... kekez...<br /><br />Went down to her place to pass her the necklace i've brought for her bahz... and she came down with her Mango pink Tee and jeans plus high heels ready to go to RUSH again... with a black doggie dunno for who... Went for a drink... asked her where she'll be going... whether she's going to his place... she never reply... guessed that's the answer bahz... when we outside RUSH, she asked me if i wanted to join then join... dun be 小侦探 or what... but i juz left for the bus-stop... she didn't say anything bahz... she juz called someone i think...<br /><br />Time: 0045 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />Careful on d way hm yar? Dun drink 2much kz,hopefully nt... =)<br /><br />Replied msg: u take care of yourself, better get in le, dun tok on the phone outside anymore...<br /><br />Time: 0118 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />=) yeap i will b fine... Juz scare u bore waiting 4 e bus.. Oinkz<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 2nd October 2005<br /><br />Didn't sleep well that night bahz... according to DD, neither did she...<br />Waited till 2+pm then called her home.... auntie said she haven't came home yet...<br />Since last nite as expected... haiz... after that i told her... DD tot i called at 2am in the morning and was frightened... haiz... i met her on the Sunday and she and me were in the same clothes too... shouldn't have called her using my home phone in the first place... guessed she went down to Pasir Ris again...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd, rch hm le or wadz can give me a call?<br /><br />Sent msg: Hi, r we still meeting todae?<br /><br />Time: 1742 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />=) at ard 8plus? On my way 2meet grace n peichoo 4 a while at city hall... Did u slp? Sorry last nite i wasn't feelin 2 gd after a funrneral...<br /><br />Time: 1754 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />I come find u later?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nahz... its ok... I'll find you...<br /><br />Time: 1831 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />I m at city hall... In tears again juz gt a call fr e old man... Haiz take care.<br /><br />Replied msg: Wad happen? i m near city hall too..tell me where u r. i go find u? met ur frnz le?<br /><br />Time: 1835 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />Not yet... We going tuk tuk... Juz sitting at cartel outside, blow air... Sianz. Mei shi le,sick of life.<br /><br />Time: 2026 hrs 02 Oct 2005<br />Bb wru? We walking to marina, join us?<br /><br />Replied msg: I'm on my way.<br /><br />Time: -<br />Cum join us!<br /><br />Replied msg: Juz carry on walking bahz... i'll find u all...<br /><br />Had a nice romantic movie with DD and her frenz... The Myth... the theme song was really nice... Accompanied her to sit at Starbucks to chat over her Father's problem, seems like she's really stressed... then walked her towards Raffles City side... told me lots of things bahz... that maybe the change in her started after she came to my house... seems that the incident changed her opinion on her father or what bahz... Told me she was at her mum's place at Tampines, but her library books is from Pasir Ris... go figure...<br />She and me was wearing the exact same clothes from yesterday... oh, she had a perlini silver's shopping bag, think he bought something for her at the branch at White Sands, i remember there's one there, coz i went there before during my NS... haiz... didn't saw her at Pasir Ris though... she told me she wun go to his place anymore... ... ... Really?<br />After that then shared a cab with her back home..<br /><br />Time: 0142 hrs 03 Oct 2005<br />Haf a gd slp... Thx 4 listening 2 my nonsense 2nite =p i huging elmo nw.. Hehe =p faster go slp unless u wanna fight wif tarepanda.Swt dreams bb..<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 3rd October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: DD got go work today mahz? You take MC arz? Then stay at home rest horz...<br /><br />Time: 1238 hrs 03 Oct 2005<br />Hehe bb me juz change dept =p nw no work desk... U rem 2 eat too. Erm u wanna haf makan i anything =p tk gd care yar...<br /><br />Replied msg: Frighten ur bb ar... tot u nvr slp then no work...wanted to rush dwn to c u de...c bahz... if u nt meetin anyone bahz...heez...i zi yan zi yu again...;p glad to hear tat u fine... k lah..dun disturb u le...haf a gd lunch and happy working in ur new dept :) hugz~<br /><br />Time: 1809 hrs 03 Oct 2005<br />Cya there!<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd... me at raffles place mrt there le.. tell me when u rch bahz.. or wad... cya<br /><br />Sent msg: I at ur flr robinson..u ok le then tell me bahz..<br /><br />Time: 2240 hrs 03 Oct 2005<br />Bb gonna rain le... U hm le mah?<br /><br />Replied msg: Hm le...caught abit rain in my face but nvm..if u wake up coz of dream or nitemare..make sure u call me ar...kz? like u always did in d past, when ur alone... ...hope im nt forcing u to do wad u dun feel like doin...<br /><br />Met her at Raffles Place Stn, waited for her... I din msg her to ask her whether she wanted to go with me to Sunshine Plaza to collect the toy with me coz i guessed she'll asked me to decide... so i juz make my own decisions. I missed the bus to orchard so i took the MRT to her place first... but she said her leg pain from wearing her new heels, so i went ahead to take the toy myself and she went to City Hall to talk with Jason... hmm... i walked fast fast to collect my toy then towards Raffles City... was sweating quite a bit le... But till there still have to wait for her to be ready, so i went to look at other things...<br /><br />Bought a Milk Radio at City Link de shop. then after that DD suggested and dun mind to go Dian Xiao Er eat, so we made our way there to eat lohz... Then after that i said i wanted to buy something at her place so we head home early. Went to NTUC to see her batteries, but she said it was too expansive, so we didn't buy. Then she looked at toothbrush, saying that she her toothbrush at home gonna spoil le, so i said return the one at my place to her lohz... she didn't even think then said ok le... then guess my face did change alittle again... Then after that walked her back bahz... told her i'll returned all the things at my place to her tomorrow... she said return the pig hp holder to her too...<br /><br />Inside the lift when i sent her back she just placed her lips to my face only... that was the kiss from her to me... doesn't seem like one at all... haiz... suddenly feel so sad... so i kiss her the same way back... didn't hug bahz... i guessed... juz close the lift door... everytime i sent her back... it was so difficult on my part... haiz... if DD did know how i felt... My face suddenly turned very sad bahz... then she asked what happen? Like i wanna cry like that, but b4 the lift closed i think i heard her say, never want the toothbrush back lah...<br />When i was walking to the bus... the sky was pink before...but it turned normal le... didn't thought it would rain... but when i was in the bus, kept thinking about how D treated me now... not even holding her hands le... she juz grab on my arm... like my arm is disabled like that... and stand so far apart... wonder what people will think we are... and what she's doing... walking an old man?<br /><br />Thought alot in the bus... about what happened juz now... felt so so depressed... eyes was filled with water... nearly dropped a tear in the bus... but its not crowded... somehow or rather i managed to hold it back... as i close my eyes and try to fall asleep... When i woke up near BKE, it was raining quite heavily le... and i received DD's msg that it was raining le... haiz... Is heaven crying on my behalf again? Or is it really like what my colleague said... Monsoon season is coming... ... ...<br /><br />Think after my that msg, never heard from her le... dunno where she went bahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 4th October 2005<br /><br />Time: 0902 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Bb last nite me slp at 11pm... Hope u did shower, tk care at work yar... Oinkz =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Orh...slp already... u take care at work too... later tonite then i go over ur place pass u back ur stuffs... ... ... haf a gd lunch...<br /><br />Time: 1118 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Oinkz... Yeah beary tired, my eyes n previous nite din slp well. Read e astrology book n doze off,wait 4ur msg... Nw eatin le =)<br /><br />12 Missed calls 1847 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br /><br />Time: 1736 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Bb my eyes giving me prob... We meet on thurs can? Wru nw?<br /><br />Time: 1745 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Bb,u on d way le den cum down bahz... Y no reply de...<br /><br />Time: 1818 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Wru.. Making me worried...<br /><br />Time: 1826hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Reaching hm in 10mins... Anything call me at hm bahz...Wanna haf dinner with me n my specs juz let me noe =p<br /><br />I was out running, which i told DD le... after my run then meet her... guessed she never listened bahz... but when i came back to my office, she called saying she was very worried about where i was and where i went... but i assured her i'm alrite then i've already brought her things to work le... after i bathe then i told her i go down to meet her... The bag consists of her pig hp holder, her pink toothbrush, her contact lense bottle solution, her Crayon Shin VCDs, she lend me wear de POLO collar Tee (think i returned her, she'll let her new bf or some other guys wear it bahz...) and her white hanky she gave me... although i didn't bear to return the things to her... but i have to bahz...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd... me on my way down le.. wil rch ard 825pm bahz..if gt anything then msg or call me bahz. cya...<br /><br />Sent msg: I rch ur place le... come down when ur ready bahz... take ur time...<br /><br />Time: 2032 hrs 04 Oct 2005<br />Cum up my place bahz... =) my aunt ard nia.<br /><br />So i went up her place to pass her the things... waited quite sometime before i got her msg, saw her uncle coming down and smoking before going up a van his fren or someone drove bahz... Went up and accompanied her aunt to watch tv... DD wore a red Tee which was very tight and very nice on her... Bontiful as she would say bahz... She went to changed into jeans for a long time before she opened the door and said she forgot to take or do something, then went in again... and i was waiting for her outside for almost half an hour before her aunt asked me in again... haiz... she's not in the toilet but in her aunt's room making a call bahz... her aunt when to see where she is, but didn't tell me what she's doing... hmmm...<br />But as expected when she came out, her face not so happy... think is he call bahz... but she told me like her father call or what bahz...<br /><br />We went to Da Jiang Nan to eat, she asked if i got cigarettes because her tooth pain pain, wisdom tooth bahz... but she didn't wanna open and didn't want me to get a bottle... After eating then sit for awhile before i walk her to her ah-ma's house 3rd floor then after that sent her to her ah-ma's hse then i go off le loh...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dear...u restin at ah ma hse arz? i hm le bahz...<br /><br />Then she called me, then sounded very tired bahz... like drifting to sleep like that, that always happen when she calls me... maybe coz of my monotone voice bahz... asking me whether wanna take MC tomorrow so we could go gai gai... then i told her confirm ma? Then asked her to confirm tml morning bahz, if she really dun wanna go work then i take MC together with her...<br />Then she say she'll set her alarm to 7.30am wake up which is the time i leave my house... i say ok... she did say if gt anything all her... but like everytime i felt so hard to call her like dat... i would rather msg, because i last time not so skilled at talking bahz... or everytime can't reached her de, or hear her new voicemail music, that's why unless there's a choice, i wun call de...<br /><br />Think i asked her whether she'll be free tomorrow bahz... and she said she meeting Shaoyu...<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 5th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: morning Dd... i go to work le ar...<br /><br />Called me when i reach my office bahz... asked her if not feeling well then take MC lohz... think she said that nvm, coz i come to work le... anyway she said if take or never take later will tell me...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd take mc arz? or still orh orh? hmm..so u meeting S later horz? take care..rem to eat..was tinking bout u d whole morning...<br /><br />Time: 1318 hrs 05 Oct 2005<br />Finishing work at 2pm... Gt hrs 2 claim i reach hm i call u kz... Rem 2 haf a gd lunch!<br /><br />Replied msg: Eh? rch hm after work arz? Thought u taking mc todayt. Was waiting for ur msg the whole morning till i was late for work. But glad to hear u went to work so i weren't feel so bad...<br /><br />Time: 1321 hrs 05 Oct 2005<br />Sorry baobao i was late too... Overslept... Silly u, next time can call me mahz =p<br /><br />Haiz, yup, i delayed my time going out, up till i was at the interchange, i still hesitated to go up the bus, afraid that if DD took MC i would have made her waste an MC, somemore she haven't confirmed yet. Wait till 8pm then i went up the bus... even when i was at work i still wondered if i wanted to take MC and go home anotz... coz its been so long since DD suggested us going gai gai... haiz... but in the end, heard she went to work also then i finally put my mind at ease... Reached at 9pm bahz... but lucky my colleague covered for me...<br /><br />Tummy called me during lunch... when she reached home bahz... then asked Tummy wanted to go gai gai harz... although i've brought my running gear but dunno whether to run or meet her... so i waited till i almost dismissed then msg DD, at the same time she wanted to rest too...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u wana mit me or tummy wana go where gai gai or nt juz tell me bahz..i dozing in office...<br /><br />Sent msg: haiz...i go running bahz..hope u've met ur girlie S and is stil wid her... anything then i reply later... take care darling.. muackz..miz ur cute voice yest. ;p<br /><br />She didn't reply me when i came back to check a few times before i went for my run... when i came back and did warmed down and after some exercise... i went back and checked my hp... no call from DD at all... then i called her twice... she didn't picked up, haiz... wondering where she is again... then i used my office phone to called her then she picked up straight le... what's wrong with this? haiz... she said her phone is on silent and she rest awhile in the morning then went out (i thikn is 3-4pm, but now the time is 7+pm le...) she said she went to Tampines and met with her dad or what lah... then when i called her using the office phone was the same time when she unsilent her phone... so qiao worz... then ask if she went down Pasir Ris or Tampines, she said tampines and was abit frustrated liaoz... said now then go meet Shaoyu...haiz... then after that juz hanged up lohz... dunno if she's still lying to me or what lah... really hope she's not... but she's accustomed to it le... i can't say for sure too...<br /><br />Didn't get her call the whole nite... although i msg her about 10.30+ - 11pm:<br /><br />Sent msg: Tmr i nt running..if i wana run wid me then nxt wk bahz..juz to inform u in case u rem...<br /><br /><br /><br />Thurday 6th October 2005<br /><br />She compained of gastric pain that nite bahz... called me about 12+... said she can't sleep, i was dozing off le when she called... talked to her and teached her ways of coping with the pain lohz... accompanied her till she's ready to try to sleep... told her to call me if she still feels pain and cannot sleep... but she didn't... Said she eat medi le... but still pain pain... told her to cuddle up like her ball so her stomach wun feel the stretch or pain and put her arm on her tummy... and told her if tml still not well then take no pay leave lohz... dun need to waste her leaves...<br /><br />Messaged her in the morning when i left for work...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd... hw r u feeling? gastric still pain ma? put some medi in ur bag bahz if u gg to work... anything can contact me again k? hugz, take care and get well soon...<br /><br />Time: 0846 hrs 06 Oct 2005<br />Bb i going work =) brought my medication le, dun worry. U take care at work too yar. Me wearing new pair of lenses too, should b fine =p<br /><br />Sent msg: I juz got onto the train rching in another 10-15mins time.<br /><br />Time: 1827 hrs 06 Oct 2005<br />Bb wru?<br /><br />Met her at Raffles City after my work. Was wearing the beige Baleno Tee, waiting for her to come meet me... called her but she never replied... as usual... so i sat there and read the messages that DD sent me before de... asked if she's alrite... she wore her black long skirt which can turn 360 degrees de and a brown tight Tee, very nice... After we decided, we went to City Link to eat Nooch... she ate the Spicy Tom Yum glass noodles and i ate the Curry Chicken Noodles... after that then we went to walk walk lohz... yes, i complained about the reservist i got... going to Australia Wolvehampton next Sunday on the 16th le... told her i didn't wanan go, she say she noe and say she didn't want me to go either... haiz... should have deferred earlier... damn... i held her hand and told her, things have juz gotten better and improved between us and i dun want to leave at a time like this...<br /><br />After that went walking with her lohz... then told her about Tian Li He Zai too... then went and see Senses de shop or what...ard City Link. Suggested to go Esplanade Zuo Zuo but her face like not so keen like that... then after visiting some shops... like i'm following behind her like that... then she said, she wanted to go Bugis. I knew we wouldn't go Esplanade again either... then say ok lohz... anyway i expected it liaoz... so we walked to Bugis passed the Suntec there to the Shaw... then forgot what i mentioned, then she blew her temper again... saying i've been nagging and nagging since i've met her... think becoz of this then she feels we couldn't be together bahz...<br /><br />Then we went silent and her face was black all the way till we went Bugis bahz... walked past the Shaw, Tyndale and Auston as well as the National Library before reaching Bugis Junction. Walked around then went to Bugis Street opposite to look for her facial mask before walking into Bugis Village... Saw that the clothes she fancied all is mini-minix2 skirt and halter necks and sleeveless type de... lesser cloth that she chose when she was with me... haiz... guessed fat people really dun have any restrictions... as long as they still can kiss, hug and have her as a gf...<br />haiz... tts why my face like not happy like that loh... its either i'm sad or i'm jealous...<br />Then DD was like what did i say or do wrong again... you never do anything wrong bahz.. juz that ur choice that you've made is wrong i guessed... Haiz...<br /><br />Then we went back inside Bugis Junction, then she tried on a purple lingerie pattern de top... very very nice and sexy on her... made her look so delicious... but the top was very loose on the top when she showed me by bending down... can see everything... so she tried antoher same patter and colour de halter neck... that was better... she asked me which one nicer... i say the top can wear go sleep and see she wanna give people see or not loh... but the top is nicer lah... but unless i'm the only one who can see it, else buy the halter lohz... of course i didn't tell her this... then i thought of i wouldn't see her in it too... then i juz turned and left...then she said... hey... what's wrong with me... i say nothing... told her to decide herself bahz... now i dunno which one she bought... coz i suddenlt think i wouldn't see her in it... and is her fat bf that will see her in it and touch her with it... haiz... how to not change face... u tell me lohz...<br /><br />Although when we head home i already try not to pull a long face le... but dunno what happen lah... then her bus #80 comes and i never flagged it... ohh, it was drizzling alittle... and she attempeted to shelter me with her bag... told me to take the #960 back... but i say take #960 or dropped at City Hall walk to take #190 still have to get caught in the rain... assured her AGAIN, to let me send her home... haiz... i know she dun want to see me like this... she thought i was tired or unhappy over some things... juz that my Hu Si Luan Xiang which may be true... got me sad and fed up only lah... then took #145 and send her back loh... yup... asked for a hug as she pressed herself on me... DD really looked very pretty le... haiz... but... so what... i have to hand her with my both hands to a disgusting pig to put his filthy hands on my DD... haiz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 7th October 2005<br /><br />Talked to her before de, she said Friday not meeting anyone then wanna makan shld be can bahz... but never heard from her, msg or msn... she at msn but always put away... send her msg also never reply till i nearly dismissed that time... when i put she never reply me as my nick then i think she saw it bahz...<br /><br />Sent msg: Morning... erm...if u free tonite then i pass u ur facial bottle..saw it last nite.. c if u available anotz bahz...<br /><br />Time: 1742 hrs 07 Oct 2005<br />Bb.. i thot gt reply u. Silly u, y kept passing me thing back. Dinner anything... Juz chk n realise e msg was nt sent,sorri...<br /><br />Replied msg: Orh... nvm lah... i oso sumtime nvr sent properly...if u gt prg then u go ahead bahz..nvr keep returning u things lah..since d toothbrush gif u back i keep d bottle u oso cant use mahz... :) me nt in time to fetch u frm work le... tml u gt work ritez? can mit u go chinatown for dinner abt 7 if u dun mind. then can shun bian buy d battery for u.<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd~! u rch hm le ma? i go over nw, bring u go makan kz?<br /><br />She called me when my mum asked me to makan alittle first... although changed to my Tee and combed my hair le... then she missed call me... but i didn't reply... thenafter a while i missed call her and she called me bahz... saying she at home packing her stuffs and clearing space for her clothes... then say her aunt da bao for her... then say still can meet mahz... but after she clear her room lohz... then say difficult to clear while holding on the phone then put down and i went to change back and eat le loh... after that see the 9pm show then i go slp le...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...wad r u doing? u stil at hm?<br /><br />Time: 2240 hrs 07 Oct 2005<br />Yeap at hm!<br /><br />Time: 0030 hrs 08 Oct 2005<br />Bb u slp le ahz? Ok mah? Me finish doing up my rm le... Heez<br /><br />She missed call me and i woke up then missed call her back and talk with her bahz... her background sounds like she's outside but she says its the TV... told me she put down and called my hp i want or not... but i say nvm lah... after talking then say she tomorrow got work so asked her go bathe then go sleep le loh... ohh, told Tummy to ask her mama opened up the box too, rather then wait for next week, i gone le... but dun think she opened liaoz...<br />But in the end never met her too... dunno where she went at nite...was so worried... wanted to go find her again in the morning...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 8th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u at work? nw rain vv heavily...dun get caught in it hor...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...todae u dun nid work rite? coz last wk u work liaoz... hope can hear ur call or msg..wherever u r..and once u wake up bahz.......<br /><br />Time: 1154 hrs 08 Oct 2005<br />I swop my sat wif a colleague... I change dept rem? But took time off... U juz woke up? Call ya when i rch hm =)<br /><br />Replied msg: I woke up when it rains...din saw u online... worried abt u...wanted to go look for u de... hmm...since u replied i think shld b fine le bahz... take care outside...<br /><br />She called soon bahz... didn't have mood to watched my cartoon... she said she got extra time to claim becoz of the fair she did the other time... so she claimed little by little... thought she went down Pasir Ris again... was thinking of...<br />haiz...<br />Talked with Tummy for a while only loh... seems like we need a medium to pass out msg, a middleman... haiz... really afraid that i and DD will have communication barriers if this goes on... talked to my fren on MSN now... come to think of it... its already been about 5 months le... since she left... and guessed so long le... she sure is accustomed to live her life without me and if she doesn't feels anything for me alreadyu, its perfectly normal bahz... but she seems afraid to be close to me or come to my place again... its it coz of tt time? When she came and she felt a rush to marry me??? hmm... nahz... maybe becoz of other reasons bahz... a cold weather to sleep... really hoped DD could be by my side on my bed rite now so i could hugged her warm body again... before i go away for 24 days and come back with everything changed... maybe she oredi called him hubby le...<br />haiz...<br />Dear... can things go any worst then it is now? Can it be better as i'm beginning to see some progress, do you see it too? Haiz... i know you slowly got no feelings for me le, and Shen Zhi feels that what you see in me before... i know... all these are perfectly normal for a couple who've broken up for almost half a year liaoz...<br />Should we go Bangkok at the state we're in rite now? How are things exactly between them? What will happen to us?<br /><br />After 24 days... will things become better for us or worst in the future?<br />Haiz... DD...<br /><br />Time: 1729 hrs 08 Oct 2005<br />I wake up le..At hm. =) where u wan2 go..<br /><br />Replied msg: Anywhere is fine when im wid u...juz suddenly missed u alot only... hugz... u gg anywhere tonite? u dun mind we go makan at either ms sakae or esplanade that sushi bahz?<br /><br />Time: 1739 hrs 08 Oct 2005<br />Den i meet u at cityhall bahz =) sushi is fine... Or u wan2 eat at petals oso can. Let me noe e time..Heez<br /><br />Replied msg: Then city hall at 7pm bahz... :) u wana cum my place tonite? let me knoe again bahz...<br /><br />Time: 1902 hrs 08 Oct 2005<br />Bb i'll b late 4 15mins =p sorwee..<br /><br />Time: 0136 hrs 09 Oct 2005<br />U ok?<br /><br />Replied msg: i ok...enjoy urself bahz..<br /><br />Sent msg: Knn...my fren dun wana mit le... c hw bahz.. maybe u join u back or hang ard bahz..<br /><br />Dd was in her chionging attire when i met her... black shirt and very thin white/black mini skirt with my heart-shaped pendant... why does she still wear it when she doesn't like me anymore le...? Anyway, went to chiong with her lohz... saw her surrounded by guys, i buay tahan wanna get out le, but my fren pang seh me in the end... in the end go back after yet another can of beer... go inside see DD dancing with that other Daniel... till so sexily... take him as a pillar like how she danced to me when i was her bf and sitting down that time... ordered a jug of whisky dry again... drank till vomit... DD oso had a bottle of red wine... drank till she seh le bahz... didn't even notice i was there... she leaned on the pillar constantly...<br /><br />There was another guy watching her... the guy who waited for her for two years... i went in and out of MU a couple of times... too seh le... sat at the MRT about 1 hr plus bahz... waiting for my head and vision to stopped spinning... i vomited again outside... wonder how DD is doing inside... dunno got ppl touch her anotz... saw that Daniel put his hands round her waist once... i struggled to get awake and go in again... stabbed my fingernails into my own arm to wake myself up... after i felt better i head in again... saw them dancing so happily... didn't dance... juz sat there bahz... haiz... maybe i'm juz not suited to be with DD... kim and different daniels were chatting with DD... only me and that eddie stood and watched bahz...<br /><br />Stayed with her till 5pm till they closed... till DD rested and was fine to head home... thought she was waiting for someone... drank so much... she saw her msg from Eddie... about still having feelings for her... dunno what she replied him, quite long bahz... sent her home in a cab and accompanied her to the doorstep... when she was in the cab... told me not to worried about... if i really go Australia, she said she'll be guai guai and stay at home de... and i could call her anytime... she won't go chiong at all? She've been going chiong for every Saturday now... tonite de is say tt eddie came back from abroad... and her god-sister or what bdae... so came down... haiz... seems like always also got a reason to chiong de... so good...<br /><br />Feel like i'm following her wherever she went... she was angy that i didn't talk to her frenz bahz... think she's gonna say i act dao again... but do guys speak to each other? Dunno her... think she expect me to go and chat up with her guy "frenz", but will she chat up with my frenz if i bought her along? Go figure...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u wake up le ma? can let me noe? yest. tink u fall aslp straight..feeling better?<br /><br />I called her home and she picked up... said she was eating... so she say after she ate then call me back... which is hours later bahz.. as usual...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...tot u were gona call me? u go out le ar?<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u sleeping or outside liaoz..we're meetin later r we?<br /><br /><br />Time: 1653 hrs 09 Oct 2005<br />Call my hp bahz, inez hoging e hse phone...<br /><br />Time: 1704 hrs 09 Oct 2005<br />Baobao u watchin 'zhen qing' har?<br /><br />Sent msg: Guess im juz a normal frn in Dd's heart le... although i wished to knoe wad decision u've made after G...but i guessed u dun wana tink or tok abt it nw bahz...drag til mayb both of us forget it? guess i see my future self in tat eddie bahz..bt at least he still gets ur reply msg..i knoe u dun like ppl to force u for things..and u haf ur own probs. Dun b stress...i'll share all ur probs wid u de..yuan lai zhen qing last episode..so many ppl..kekez.. ;p<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd if u go out le will tell me ritez? hope ur sleeping soundly nw...hughugz... if u nt miting me le, juz let me noe bahz..and rem to eat ar...take care :)<br /><br />Time: 1926 hrs 09 Oct 2005<br />Wru... Wanna go where =) i juz gt up!<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u had dinner le ma? gt watch d nw chU show?<br /><br />Never met in the end on Sunday, again was i changed le then DD called, lucky i haven't went out yet... nvm lahz... anyway also no place to go with DD le... and she no feelings for me le... go out wid me always do nothing sure sianz one... sigh... In the end stayed at home watch tv lohz... then later at nite after the date with the vampire show. Dd called me and we chat... all was well at first until she wanted to end the call soon, coz she wanted me to sleep... then she said i was always commenting on whatever she did... and always go one big round to say her instead of being straight-forward and going to the point... i'm always a straight-forward person... but can you handle the truth? And she promised me not to lie to me again... she said "zhi dao le"...<br />And think she said she long time never meet that bf of hers le bahz... at least i Think that's what i heard... dunno what happen again lahz...<br /><br />Juz like how she said i was on Saturday... told me if i wanted to tag along with her, might as well say straight instead of going one big round... i was waiting for you to asked if i wanted to go... coz i know you'll never do that... i wasn't going one big round... juz dun understand why you suddenly chiong so much... if i asked you straight-forward on things, will you reply me? Ask you relationship de, you'll still avoid or feint frustration and in the end never reply mahz... ritez?<br />There's only two reasons for me to be unhappy bahz... Sadness or Jealousy... go figure...<br /><br />Talked to her after the show bahz... then she said she can't slp coz she slept too much in the day... then i say to talked with her till she's tired lohz... but then she told me to go sleep early coz i haven't have enough sleep for the weekends and i still gotta to get up early tml... so talked a few minutes later then i feel like she's talking sleepily and then i told her to go to sleep then she say gd nite BB... then i was like, wah...so fast arz... after that she got angry again... coz i was like telling her she's chasing me to sleep... and stuffs like that saying i talk in circles... then after that hung up loh... ending with suan le... then even after that i didn't slept straight away and i believed she didn't bahz... dunno what she'll do. Cause its too hot and i'm sweating, that's why i say i couldn't sleep either.<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 10th October 2005<br /><br />Time: 0816 hrs 10 Oct 2005<br />Bb zao an... Itz gonna b a bz day 4 u. Rem 2 eat n drink lotsa water =) tk gd care yar.. Heez<br /><br />Replied msg: Dd zao~ nt gg dwn camp todae..they say tml reservice then at d same time discuss.. hope u slept well..haf a gd lunch later. and if wana mit then tell me bahz.<br /><br />Time: 1731 hrs 10 Oct 2005<br />Wanna eat 2gether msg me yar =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Msg ur msn u nt there arz? meet u at 6.10pm raffles mrt same place loh..<br /><br />Sent msg: Will be late...<br /><br />Met...her for dinner... all was going well bahz... she was saying i was so luo suo a minute ago and turned quiet and cold the next minute... yup... she got a msg from someone... started with sweetie... was it that fat bf of hers? Have she changed his name in her hp? Or is it yet another new bf? I don't know... guess i dun care le bahz... xi guan le... she've never been sensitive to my feelings... if she wants to do this to herself... there's nothing i could do if she dun help herself... i could only feel despair and dissapointment bahz... that's all... She haven't opened the box yet... guessed coz she doesn't have feelings for me anymore le bahz... It doesn't matter le bahz... even if she opened it... nothing would have changed also... Anyway the box was supposd to depict my feelings at those 3 days which i wrote it...<br /><br />Don't grab my arm le, if you dun love me anymore... very hard to walk this way...and looks funny... if dun wan to hold my hand... then dun hold my arm instead bahz... i guessed i'll never get to kiss her again bahz... guess she really unlove me this time le bahz...<br />Although i still feel bad and sad sometimes... but a fren's chat is making me feel better le bahz... like today my mood was better in the first half... slowly to accept that DD will never come back to me le... thanks for being so good to me till now...<br /><br />Guess i was thinking too much again... like DD said bahz...<br />Send a msg after talking to her bahz... was keying the msg until i fell aslp...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 11th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: have u changed tat much tat i dun recognize le..or u've always been like tis juz tat i din notice..dd..b the way u r ok? dun b a bad ger... kez.. nt tinking anymre le lah..wanted to ask if ur stil wid tat fatty..but i guess no use for me to ask le bahz.. take care and gd nite~! was gona msg tis last nite..but fell aslp...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...ignore tat msg b4 tis.juz sent when i woke up,nvr edit it,juz realised tt u've been tryin 2tell me wifout actu. tellin me all tis while tt u gt no feelins 4 me le.guess frm d things tt u do n u dunwana kiss or hug me le can tell.bt u stil care bout me at times.thx..think it doesnt matter 2 find out y tis happened leba.im reali a silly bunz like u said stil tot u stil haf feelins 4 me bt is accomodatin me ba.,dear..love u..i stil do..<br /><br />Sent msg: wished we still can go for "honeymoons" to various countries like b4...Thx for still being by my side all tis while.. haf a nice day at work bahz.. take care and haf a gd lunch..muackz and hugz...<br /><br />Time: 1538 hrs 11 Oct 2005<br />Silly bun anyhow tok...Fatty is gone..Hoho..We will go overseas de. Muz bring back ur gd luck! Yay!<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd, u wanna meet for dinner? I on the way back from Pasir Ris MRT.<br /><br />Time: - hrs 11 Oct 2005<br />Tmr bahz.<br /><br />Sent msg: orh... going to meet ur new bf arz?<br /><br />Time: 1738 hrs 11 Oct 2005<br />Siao! Meeting insurance agent wif colleague at bugis. Wanna cum?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nt bringing me to c insurance meh? nvm...rem to eat ar...tink i go bugis eat first then go back..take care...cu again...<br /><br />Time: 1807 hrs 11 Oct 2005<br />Meet at bugis cum along...<br /><br />Time: 1818 hrs 11 Oct 2005<br />Meet at bugis cum along...K?<br /><br />Replied msg: sorri din saw ur msg..dun need lah..i kidding wid u nia..rem to eat..ciao<br /><br />Time: 1842 hrs 11 Oct 2005<br />U wan i can meet u at 7.45pm... Hehe. If no meet u i go hm straight...Heez<br /><br />Replied msg: Oso can..cal u at 745 then..my phone flat le..i ard bugis jn<br /><br />Met her at Kinokuniya juz before my hp flat... But didn't saw her colleague angela... hmm...oh well... keep wanting to ask her come for dinner... but guessed DD know it but her messages said she didn't wanna join us too... oh well... guessed i juz asked and asked bahz...<br /><br />Deciding on where to go eat... oh, DD wore the red Tight Tee and her 360 degree turning black skirt.<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 16th October 2005<br /><br />Time: 0629 hrs 16 Oct 2005<br />Guess u r in dreamland =) do haf a gd nite slp, i hope..<br /><br />Replied msg: ...U too<br /><br />Time: 1804 hrs 16 Oct 2005<br />Itz raining...<br /><br />Replied msg: Yes...i noe...d whole dae.. mayb coz of wad i did last nite bahz...<br /><br />Time: 1807 hrs 16 Oct 2005<br />Bb, Wat did u do? Wat happen?<br /><br />Time: 2144 hrs 16 Oct 2005<br />Bb.. Watcha doing?? =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Online listening to the myth de song... y?<br /><br />Time: 2147 hrs 16 Oct 2005<br />Juz asking... Gt eat mahz?<br /><br />Replied msg: ...yup... eat liao...u enjoy ur meal too yar...<br /><br />Time: 2206 hrs 16 Oct 2005<br />Nw packing hm 2eat loh..<br /><br />Time: 0103 hrs 17 Oct 2005<br />Bb u oror le ah?<br /><br />Replied msg: Haven...y?<br /><br />She called me a few minutes later... talked about what I did in the weekends bahz... but of course she never mention what she did... Talked until nothing to talked loh...say she afraid to sleep coz afraid to haf nitemares again... I asked her if got nitemares then call me loh... but she didn't lah..juz told me the same thing that i told her... if i can't sleep then call her...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 18th October 2005<br /><br />Time: 0046 hrs 18 Oct 2005<br />Bb sweet dreamz..<br /><br />Replied msg: Sweet dreamz to urself bahz...<br /><br />Time: 0048 hrs 18 Oct 2005<br />Why?? Myself? Haiz suan le. I shuddup..<br /><br />Replied msg: Coz u always haf nitemares... i will haf swt dreamz de dun worry...thx for ur wishes ;p<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u offline le ar? dun come ar... later i knock off go back slp. tml wil recover le..u wan then mit u tml bahz.. :) im fine..hurry hm to rest.<br /><br />Time: 1912 hrs 18 Oct 2005<br />Bb anything muz call me yar? Drink lotsa water hor.. Tmr nt well i acc u c doc. drink water...<br /><br />Time: 0215 hrs 19 Oct 2005<br />U aslp le ahz bb..<br /><br />Fell sick, but was ok a few days later bahz... painful headache and fever... as well as cough and sore throat... dunno what is happening to DD and me lah... She said to come down to meet me tml... wonder if she will...<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 19th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: U wana cum dwn or nt up to u... dun wan u to caught in d rain..<br /><br />Sent msg: u rch hm le rite? nvr come liao hor? then i go buy dinner le..<br /><br />Called me about 6.30 pm bahz... asked if i wanted her to come down... guessed i dunno what to say bahz... juz didn't want her to get caught in the rain or go home alone later. IF she's going home... I thought she won't be coming liaoz... coz, everytime i wanted to meet her... no matter what she said, or even before i asked her, i would've gone down to look for her liaoz, or on the way. Think the first time on the phone i didn't tell her to come, she'll go back home bahz... Although i messaged her immediately after that.<br />But suprisingly she called at 8.15pm asking me where i want her to meet her. She's taking the cab. Guessed she wouldn't have come if i had not messaged her after that bahz...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd... thx for running dwn here juz to pass me d goodies which already cost so much juz 4 u to come dwn. take care and rem to take dinner wherever u r... silly ger, if gt any problems can juz tell me... i wan to share ur troubles and burden 2... ok?<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u hm yet?<br /><br />Time: 2234 hrs 19 Oct 2005<br />Hm le, out again eating wif aunt, yong tau fu...Henderson market..Dun worry =)<br /><br />Knew Dd didn't go straight home, took me a wide turn then found DD at CP2... yup, she was mad as usual... didn't have dinner yet... didn't wanted me to accompany her to dinner either... brought some biscuits and sweets for me as well as two bottles of Liang Teh for me, Ju Hua and Luo Han Guo.<br />Think she felt out of place bahz... maybe didn't see me for a long time liaoz... told her to gave me a massage on my shoulders before she ate some sweets then left le... knew she couldn't bear to stay long with me...coz she didn't know what to say to me bahz... strangers we've become... haiz... but guess onli to her bahz... DD is always in my heart... so close and locked inside there, like how she told me last year when i'm in Sentosa celebrating Christmas... guess, only in Dd's heart have i become a stranger to her...<br /><br />Told me that she went home then went out wif her aunt again... i beg to differ... but it doesn't matter le... not interested to find out whether its true or not le... no use le bahz... (refer to unposted Posts)...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 21st October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: U nt hm yet? ....mmm...rem to eat bahz... sorri if i've disturbed u...<br /><br />Told me she's going straight home and will call me when she reaches home... juz like how she said yesterday but didn't do... i waited till 8pm then called her place... her aunt says she's not back home yet... then i msg her de... till now still no reply... except she missed called me at 2341 hrs using her hp... i called her back at 0021 hrs and 0100 hrs... both using my hp... but she didn't hear it bahz... or wad... dunno where she is... where she's sleeping... not holding on to her hp like she said she did yesterday night bahz... when she said to call me on the phone after she offline although i say not to talk on the phone today.. coz i'm doing something... haiz...<br /><br />Yup, recently she everynite online till late late... told me she gonna fall sick...dunno real or not... everytime i want to meet her or in the past wan her to come my place she will say she's sick de... dunno who she's talking to lah... everynite msn till morning... see me we oso nvr chat de... din msg her...coz she will wait vv long than reply de... dunno busy talking to who lah...<br />Hope she sees my missed call when she wakes up... dunno whether she's working tml anotz also.. haiz... we all never talked anymore le... dun know what's wrong lah... maybe she's happy that i'm finally out of her life le bahz...<br /><br />Everytime i ty to get back close to her... she'll lie to me or do some funny stuffs bahz... or juz simply keep quiet... like she not interested to talk to me like that... she online when working she also told me not to msg her liaoz... but dunno whether she's toking to anybody else anotz... i told her that i'm sick then she talked to me abit now only... but now i've recovered le... think she'll continue to avoid me bahz... dunno what both of us are doing lah... most importantly dunno what she is doing... if she wants to avoid me ...so be it lah... although she never dun reply me or what... if i msg her or what she sure reply de... juz that she wun come talk to me on her own accord anymore le... all muz wait till i talk then she talk... understand? What to do like that? haiz... everytime i wanna trust her again... she disappoints me... if she's not going home straight then dun tell me she's going home straight lah... then if she dun intend to call me when she rch hm... but call me before she sleeps then tell me lah... instead of telling me: "call u when i rch hm kz?" then in the end...i say ok...she 12+, 1+am then call me... diaoz... haiz... why can't she simply tell me straight? i really can't figure out why lahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 22nd October 2005<br /><br />Time: 1547 hrs 22 Oct 2005<br />Bb i'll b hm.. Gonna haf sum rest.. Juz transfer money 2ur acct. Pls check k. Anything call me =p<br /><br />Sent msg: U nw then rch hm arz? tot u resting le..k..u go haf sum rest first bahz..<br /><br />Sent msg: Wake up le wana go out liao then call me bahz..<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd..meet u at ur place dwnstairs in 10mins bahz..i wait there..u slowly bah..<br /><br />Time: 2028 hrs 22 Oct 2005<br />Bought ur herbal tea?<br /><br />Replied msg: Haven.. gt past by then drink lah..if nt nvm..can drink other things.<br /><br />Time: 0206 hrs 23 Oct 2005<br />Bb where u go??<br /><br />Replied msg: Wanted to ask if u wana zhong xin kai Shi..wid no commitments..but tink... u dun need to ans tt le...u've oredi tld me d ans...at mrt stn..later go back fetch u.heavy rain nw..<br /><br />Sent msg: ...dd...im hm le... ....u gt a new bf le dun u? juz wana let u noe... i hope we can b together again...even as a pt bf i dun mind...no commitments at all... promised... will u gif me a chance to b wid u again? im nt forcing u for an ans..juz hope u'll ans me when u gt d ans...dd... i luv u...still... will wait for ur reply... dd...think it thru will u? slp tight..anything can call me anytime..u will reply to tis msg will ya? hugz keep warm...<br /><br />Time: 0657 hrs 23 Oct 2005<br />Gt ur msg... Nahz no new bf... Honest true..<br /><br />Went chiong wif Dd and Felicia, Dd got a new haircut, dye and hitelite... very jap, very kawaii, sweet and lovely... looked younger than ever le... haiz... forever beautiful Dd... feel that more guys will woo her than ever b4 le bahz... slim down quite alot le... guess i'll missed hugging her when she's chubby... =( haiz... on her path to a new beginning le... that's why i wonder if i should try to... ask her back...<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 23rd October 2005<br /><br />Time: 1356 hrs 23 Oct 2005<br />Bb zao an!<br /><br />Replied msg: Zao an Dd!<br /><br />Time: 1711 hrs 23 Oct 2005<br />Bb i juz gt up.. I'll b headin down 2 kino.. U wanna meet 4 makan i'll meet u at 7plus.. Let me noe kz.<br /><br />Replied msg: Ok...meet when u ok bah...later i gg dwn orchard there too... cu later sweetie...<br /><br />Time: 1741 hrs 23 Oct 2005<br />Bb bring e cam n wire 2 connect kz.. Thx! Whee..<br /><br />Sent msg: Hmm...dear..u tink i shld cut my hair?<br /><br />Time: 1815 hrs 23 Oct 2005<br />Up 2u... Untidy den cut bahz. Juz b comfortable..<br /><br />Time: 0057 hrs 24 Oct 2005<br />Bb u hm le mahz?<br /><br />Talked to her for awhile after i sent her home after a dinner at Tony Roma's... she said she didn't tok to Fatty anymore le... that he was there last night...she didn't told me... haiz... no wonder she danced like never noticed i was there at all... shit... i shouldn't have left MU so many times... asked then why she broke off with him... she said, they together i asked, broke off i also asked... told me she want to be alone for awhile... rejecting me yet again... she said she meant it... she told me she didn't want to give me any hopes, afraid that i will be disappointed with the higher hopes i have... but i told her... i will wait for her... unless... she didn't feel for me anymore le... its the same old question again... and she didn't wanna tell me again le bahz... then i said, even if i knoe i got no hopes at all le... i will still wait... then i turned around and took the lift down and left... starting to feel that Dd really meant it when she told me on MSN the other time...her answer "ya" towards my question of "You dun have any feelings for me anymore le rite?"... that she doesn't have feelings for me le... is true... she really dun loved me liaoz... i shrudder to think of that... haiz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 24th October 2005<br /><br />Time: 1910 hrs 24 Oct 2005<br />Bb tk care on ur way hm kz... Dunno if itz still raining.. B gd n get hm safely yar...<br /><br />Replied msg: Nt raining le..u b gd and get hm safely too.<br /><br />She told me on MSN that she will call me... and she dismissed le... i thought she wouldn't call liaoz... with her msg telling me to take care... but she did missed call me at her ah-ma's place...and she called while i was bathing... we talked awhile after i got out from my shower and she said she will watch the Shrek 2 movie with me de... then she said she wanna walked home le... later call me... i waited till 2130 hrs thought she will call once she's walked back home...but she didn't... so i went to have my dinner lohz...<br /><br />Time: 2319 hrs 24 Oct 2005<br />Bb me gonna cook noodles,hungry le =p<br /><br />Replied msg: :) hungry muz eat worz...dun starve our daughter... ;p<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 25th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...me on bus le..suddenly rem i did ask u to consider me again if u ever became single again..tink was d last time u came my place bahz...i noe u haven opened up d box yet..so still unsure abt d bangkok trip..thx 4 accpmy me todae.. tink u feel weird weird wid me bahz..keep warm and rest well...if u wana tell me anything can call me...<br /><br />Time: 2347 hrs 25 Oct 2005<br />Nahz nt weird, mayb tired bahz.. U hm?<br /><br />Replied msg: Yup...hm le...<br /><br />Went with DD to see the insurance guy... she seem chirpy and cheerful talking to him... guess i'm juz a jerk who gets jealous and protective of her...too much le bahz...over the limits le... maybe coz i've seen too much... juz dun want her to be too near guys bahz... paranoid? After that we went to eat at V8 lohz... never talked that much le bahz... wanted to hold her hand...but didn't... think i juz kept quiet coz i was fumed over nothing bahz... maybe she's juz making herself comfortable and i over-reacted? After dinner then we walked past a electrical shop... harvey-norman? And DD asked for her mp3 player or something... i juz kept quiet and wait for her lohz... A petty guy i am... then after that saw an old guy..then talked to him for quite long... didn't tell me to stop...i juz walked till i didn't hear her footsteps anymore...i know she lost le... Say is coffeeclub de person or what bahz... after that crossed the road with her and caught bus #80.<br /><br />She gave me a massage on the bus while i gave her back... yar..with old ah pek gorging out his eyes looking at DD... mmm... coz DD was wearing my favourite black Tee bahz.... vv tight de...coz she 16 yrs old tt time brought de... Sent her up to her place... wanted to sent her to her doorstep...but she didn't let me... erm... no kisses or hugs... i juz left bahz... while i was walking to take #190... thought about the past and the worst present... haiz... what will happen from now on?<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 26th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: U gt any num wana buy?<br /><br />Time: 1159 hrs 26 Oct 2005<br />0972? I bet...<br /><br />Time: 2335 hrs 26 Oct 2005<br />Watsup? Call u back can? U tired?<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 27th Octber 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u hm le ma? or out shoppin alone? hmm.. tml fri le.. take care and miz ya~!<br /><br />Time: 1926 hrs 27 Oct 2005<br />Juz finish gym... Gonna meet air stewardess insurance fren fr AIA... Watcha doin nw? Eaten? Anything call me yar! Oinkz<br /><br />Replied msg: Wah..recently keep on looking at insurance arz..hlp me look out for gd money earning plans loh.. :) nxt time muz go gym wid u le.. muz eat kz? get hm safely yar...<br /><br />Time: 2124 hrs 27 Oct 2005<br />I m hm!! Hse line engage =p hogged by inez lau!<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 29th October 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd wru? u wana mit le ma? anything call me bahz...<br /><br />Sent msg: if u gt sumthing u wana say can juz say it..dun need 婆婆mama... know u so long le, its nt like i duno wad ur thinking.. if hungry de hua then haf sumthing to eat first bahz..<br /><br />Time: 2000 hrs 29 Oct 2005<br />Nothing lah juz nw when i call u my whole body ache. Go 'bian bian' nw better. Still wanna eat tuk tuk? We go dance later with daniel n gf?<br /><br />Replied msg: Anything... when u ok le then call me bahz...<br /><br />Time: 2034 hrs 29 Oct 2005<br />Bb Wru liao?<br /><br />Replied msg: At d mrt...<br /><br />Time: 2035 hrs 29 Oct 2005<br />Tanjong pagar?<br /><br />Replied msg: Ya<br /><br />Time: 0504 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />Bb u hm? Haha, juz nw purposely msg me rite, wanna chk my phone tell me lah,dun like dat...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u wake up le ma? gg anywhere frm nw til nite or relaxing at hm?<br /><br />Time: 1505 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />Juz gt up loh... Heez...<br /><br />Went chiong with Dd... after a funny conversation that i dunno what to say... no comments... have a fun time at MU bahz... while i was talking to my colleagues, Dd was talking to that Daniel... then later dance behind him... haiz... yup... jealous jealous jealous... also with the guy she brought... always trying to chat with her... holding her arm...<br /><br />Lost my post of Friday and Saturday... damn...haiz... but i think i and DD is improving on old times le bahz... she got msg me when she's home and we starting to talk more on the phone le... everynite somemore... =)<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 31st October 2005<br /><br />Time: 1548 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />Bb meet bugis wat time =)<br /><br />Replied msg: At 440 ohz or 445...u can? y dun call me instead? can then i go off le lohz...<br /><br />Time: 1623 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />Bb u reaching?<br /><br />Replied msg: B late..wait for d stupid bus.. nw me in cab..wait for me awhile kz darling<br /><br />Time: 1631 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />Notty bunz waste money... Spank u ahz...<br /><br />Replied msg: =p spank me all u wan when we go bangkok bahz.. i noe u wanted to go pray todae de..so cant miz the time. muackz..gt a reason to do so..so nt waste money..<br /><br />Sent msg: Juz nw gt 1 big lassie & golden retriever dog walkin on d grass here..u din get to c them..dear..i noe i did sum wrongs in d past..but i luv u 4 who u r..reali.nt becoz of ur bod or ur looks entirely..sorri i looked sianz juz nw..guess coz u said im nt a pai lang but a se lang broke my heart crumbs bah. &amp; i noe its becoz of tt then u dun dare 2 near me & refuse 2 accept me again bah. =) juz wana let u noe onli..dun nid reply if ur reply is nth or no la :p<br /><br />Time: 1934 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />Bb drank ur tea le mah? I on e way there le =) ur ulcer rem 2 put e 'xi gua shuang'.. Thx 4 e company.. Oinkz<br /><br />Time: 1942 hrs 30 Oct 2005<br />I was juz kidding lahz... I last time oso joke wif u like dat... U nt happy tell me mah, at least i noe,u like dat sian sian,i c liao oso sian...<br /><br />Replied msg: Drank my tea le..u haf a nice feast bahz..nw bus go PIE le..sumtimes dun need read too much into our conversation, nt questioning u or wad and wad we say like "me lah me lah" wil make ppl sian de..bt dun nid take it seriously &amp; in heart k? muz relax when we tok k? duno hw tis path wil end, juz noe tat i wana b wid u and im contented le bahz.. hugz and kisses..wait for ur call after vampire bahz.<br /><br />Sent msg: Juz in time to watch d end of ong bak..and vamp shw coming.. ;p<br /><br />Went to bugis with Dd to pray and buy 4D =) although argue abit coz my fault when DD told me her size really got turn smaller le... then i was like... ownself depressed my self and spoil Dd's mood too... kekez... juz ke xi i didn't get to hug DD when her size was big that's all... anyway... i kick the balloon and throw it at Dd's path... make her angry or what bahz... tok to me so rude... juz sad onli... not unhappy or sianz or whatz... nothing... haiz... dun expect dd to know what or why she made me sad or mood change bahz... too difficult for dd to know what went wrong le bahz... anyway, had a nice MOS lunch after that went to take a bus down chinatown le... she went to her ah-ma's house while i alight at chinatown to go drink herbal tea then walked to the #190 bus stop to take a bus home... Dd missed cal me when she returned back to her ah-ma's hse after dinner... awaiting her call after the vampire show bahz...<br /><br />Feel that me and DD's de relation improving day by day le bahz... but on the bus #145 back...i opened my palm wide...althought dd put her hand there, but she never closed it when i held her hand... haiz... maybe she really doesn't have feelings for me le bahz... yup... when i alight she's still kissing my cheeks... =) oh well... take one step at a time bahz...<br /><br />I love you Dd... hope to hear you say that to me again... been a long long long time since i last heard that from you le bahz... will i ever get to hear that in this life again? Hearing that from the bottom of your heart?<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 31st October 2005<br /><br />Time: 0817 hrs 31 Oct 2005<br />Bb, rain rain le. Careful when u go work,rem 2keep warm... Take care. Heez<br /><br />Replied msg: Yar...gt lightning..u rem to bring umbrelly if still at hm..keep warm and dry kz? hugz~!<br /><br />Went to Kovan with Dd to massage back and shoulders... had a good laugh about DD's idea of opening and closing the doors with voice commands... "Kui Meng, Quak Meng", she got it from the LRT doors not opening after it stopped at the Kovan's stop... on the way there she oso make lots of funny faces... to make me laugh... got monkey de and sour sour, ke lian de face because her feets are tired and no place to seat...no place give this "Yun Fu" sit...kekez... then she say to show the ke lian face give ppl see...hohoho...haiz... if things would remain this way and i could hug her again...everything would be fine bahz... why doesn't she want to accept me again...? Dun accept me but give other people chance... Why Dd?<br /><br />After the massage we went to makan at Thai Express lohz... DD was wearing her usual black shirt nice nice de... with the ribbon in front and yellow skirt... she standing quite, QUITE to the edge only... was thinking wanna say anotz... since got nothing to say so i told her loh... IF, IF wear mini-skirt cannot stand CLOSE to the edge in which she didn't and she was in long skirt... she juz cut me and say ya lah... she knew i was gonna say that... and say that no ppl would lift their heads up to see whether got girls wear skirt standing on the edge anotz... EXCEPT ME... haiz... wad can i say... that happened before the massage...<br /><br />After we finished our dinner we walk walk around lohz... then i tried to hold her hand again... as she siam... pull away and put on my arm... then i take her hand away from my palm and grasp it... i see her face changed alittle bahz... bian chui...or something... haiz... then while walking to the LRT station, can feel she kept trying to pull her hand back little by little bahz... but i felt it... at the same time she was telling me about programmes on SCV... then she say my house have... "dun have meh? outside?", haiz... guessed she mixed me up with some other bfs of hers AGAIN bahz... maybe with the fatty at pasir ris... his sure to have SCV de... she stayed at his place to watch mahz... till 8+pm... haiz... disappointed yet again... as we were taking the escalator down... i let go of her hand... since she dun want to hold... why mian qiang her? Sigh...<br /><br />Then i juz walked off... she kept insisting my place got SCV... i never ever had an SCV... ok? My house line or antenna cannot fixed... even if can... i'm too poor to install one... she can even mixed this up... haiz... i used to think she was serious during those times when we were together... right now... i'm starting to wonder where my DD went... is it that they say gers will change? But that is supposedly said when girls turn 18... now Dd is 22... maybe as she matured and grow older...she start to think for herself bahz.... recently oso liked to look at babies... yar... i know in terms of financial... i couldn't give her a good life... so WHAT IF... SO WHAT if i could sayang her and love her like no one ever would? Ever heard of a ger of this time choosing love over bread? Nahz...<br /><br />Then i juz walked to the doors there wanting to see which side went back to Outram... then she said i mood swing again... say: "MOOD SWING DETECTED"... haiz... yup... Dd said that... dunno whose Dd's... but definitely not mine bahz... If she've forgotten, she once said... defended for me... that mine is not mood swing at all... never a mood swing... it was cause something bothers me or saddens me then my face changed... at that point of time, i'm happy cause at least Dd understands me, unlike my frenz who dun understands the real me... but now... she says its mood swing... She walked in and juz sat at the two seater place... i sat and closed my eyes to rest... dun want to think so much le... she too... leaned left against the wall and slept... as she placed her hand on my knee... i thought as my eyes was closed... my shoulder is there, but yet she rather choose a hard wall, then mine shoulders... haiz... even if it was a close gal fren of mine in the past. The normal and correct thing to do will be choose the shoulders...but... haiz... she rather choose the hard wall... am i really that poor? I don't know anything anymore... she got rest her head on my shoulders for awhile before turning to the wall again... haiz...<br /><br />Then we were reaching the stop at Outram Park... As i thought and my face changed again... i remember last Saturday as dunno what i've said made Dd angry again... as we exchanged trains from Tanjong Pagar to Somerset... she juz walked off fast fast, and sat alone... of course i didn't follow her like a dog i used to be... but the main point i'm trying to say is the difference between me and her... i'm not angry now... but even if i am really pissed... i won't juz leave the MRT juz like that, at least i'll call her or LOOK BEHIND for her... even if this is Singapore and we will never get lost or hurt... be it Singapore or which ever country... i will still care for her even if i'm angry or what... but will she? During the changing of stops... she never once looked back not glance at me... she juz continue to walked forward... that's the difference between me and her bahz... anyway... we stopped at Outram Park le... and she's still sleeping, so i hit her arm to wake her up then we alight... there were a few indians charging for the escalator... as i pulled her towards me.. then when we got on the escalator, she said: "Bb xie xie ni..." then i asked her xie for what? She said coz i pull her away mahz... diaoz... last time at Bugis she will ask me to look forward dun look backward... and dun worry about her... i duno what is true and what is false anymore... black and white also she said de... when will my old Dd return? haiz... then she asked me why sianz sianz... i say no arz...<br /><br />As we walked from the purple line to the green line... then when we reached the doors there to take an MRT to Tanjong Pagar... she immediately... told me... IMMEDIATELY said: " I ownself go back bahz... u here take MRT." I expected that she will say that... so i juz say orh then i left le... she kissed me on the cheeks... but... so? Then i walked out of Outram and walked towards the #190 bus-stop... i was thinking whether to walk to her void deck there to see if she went home...but... i no longer do that le... juz as my bus came... even when i was waiting to board the bus, my mind was still asking whether should i board or not... but in the end...i board the bus and head home... Dd missed called me when she reached home... i board the bus, not asking to pei Dd's back... becoz, i can feel... i can feel, feel nothing between her towards me... i really can't feel anything from her, when she grabbed my arm... when she pecked me on the cheeks... no feelings of love or whatsoever... dunno what will happen bahz... its been 3 weeks le... i should still be in Australia de... i thought things have changed...for the better... improved... but nothing's changed really...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 1st November 2005<br /><br />Time: 0214 hrs 01 Nov 2005<br />Bb,r u hm? I doze of 2slp juz nw...<br /><br />Its the next day le... had a nice sleep, didn't hear any of Dd's call or msg, but i awoke and checked... i saw a msg dated this morning de... but i dun remember pressing away any msg from DD last night... she's online... when i online at 1:15+pm... now the time is 2:30pm... yup... we haven't talked yet... maybe she's talking to some guys in her MSN or replying her frendster messages bahz... if not she wun be checking the net on things this early in the afternoon de... haiz... side by side yet our hearts are worlds apart... i wonder if Dd ever felt this... or have she known long ago le... because she chose to forget, to let go of her feelings for me de... i don't think i'm thinking too much or what... i juz know that we seem to have a problem... like an unbreakable ice block that's obstructing her and me... and this ice block is formed by us through time... dunno what i can do le... Dd is carrying on with her life... moving on... and i'm here still feeling like a shit and being treated like one... still trying to piece back whatever we have left together... not knowing that even if i succeed in doing that... i would have lost the other person who can help me light it up again... even if i succeed in breaking the ice between us... so what? by the time... would she still be at the other side of the ice block? Or will there be no one there anymore... ... ... I cared so much for her... but have she really cared for me? Really cared? Even when we're together... plus now we're not... have she really cared for me? Maybe she have... juz that i dun feel or see it now bahz... why do i still love her so much ... when i know and feel like a piece of shit? Although i know that one day if i were to die and disappear... she wun go looking for me, asking for me or even care or notice where i went to?<br /><br />Sent msg: U out arz? wad time wil u b back?<br /><br />Juz now after she went offline, i missed called her... she called back my hp... and asked me if got any number to buy... then say will get home then call me... 1 hour later i messaged her what time will she be back... because i told her today wanted to bring her go watch movie de... when i messaged her that msg... she immediately called my house and said: 做什么啦~！very fierce... and frustrated... maybe becoz she's online and talking to her new bf bahz... can hear typing sounds... then after the call i went online, saw her online also... she put her status as (Be Right Back) but she's chatting bahz... and I disturbed her... then talk talk talk like not happy like that... when i told her we said to catch a movie today de mahz...then she said outside very hot and she;s melting... and stuffs... so i end the call straight lohz... then waiting for her to put down the phone... then there was silence, then she say why i turned sianz again... i say where got? Then i told her waiting for her to reply mahz... then i say dun talk le lah... she told me go rest (again), then say ok loh..byebye le... then hanged up bahz...<br /><br />Haiz... dunno what the hell is wrong lah... its not me going through emotional roller-coaster... its her words making me dunno what i do then can be right... ... ... haiz...<br /><br />Quarrelled on MSN again... this time she said all that she wanted to say... haiz... then after that ending with I hate all these mental torture... following that she offline... and i went to sleep hugging Junior out of the bag too... it didn't rain... slept till 7pm then i watch TV all the way...<br /><br />Time: 2018 hrs 01 Nov 2005<br />U gt eat mah?<br /><br />Replied msg: Gt bah...u eat well too.<br /><br />Time: 2031 hrs 01 Nov 2005<br />I was nua-ing.. U outside har?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nope..hm<br /><br />Time: 2130 hrs 01 Nov 2005<br />Bb<br />对不起，我又不乖了，不要生气了好吗？<br /><br />Time: 2207 hrs 01 Nov 2005<br />Bb,i going hospital, u tk care hor...<br /><br />Replied msg: Alrite ma? need me to pei u go?<br /><br />Time: 2218 hrs 01 Nov 2005<br />Mei shi lah... Rch hm msg u...<br /><br />Draft msg: Dd<br />i'm not angry bahz... juz dunno what to say or do anymore le... like whatever i do or say now is wrong de. i understand and absorbed what u said in the afternoon... i dun wan to bring u any burden too... tis is my own prob. and i shouldn't affect u too... i know... i know i shouldn't have insist on sending u hme everytime...but i admit, i'm juz afraid you'll go to people's house bahz... juz afraid although now u wun le... as for the rest, i noe i'm not in the position to ask for anything...<br /><br />Sent msg: 0129 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />U back hm yet?<br /><br />Time: 0130 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />Nt yet damn...<br /><br />Sent msg: Its stil opened tis late? i go pick u? its gona rain heavily...<br /><br />Time: 0134 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />I at sgh, with inez's mum... Taking e medication le...<br /><br />Time: 0138 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />Bb u turn in early, tmr morning shift o swop 2 nite le...<br /><br />Sent msg: 0223 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />Dd still there? i go take cab dwn nw bahz... u wait for me kz?<br /><br />Time: 0225 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />Bb i send my ah mah hm le. Dun cum down<br /><br />Time: 0246 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />Bb guai guai faster go slp kz...Hugz<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 2nd November 2005<br /><br />After Dd reach home she called me... first then again... then i use my hp pick up lohz... say her ah-ma had a fall so send her to hospital... hospital got A&E so at nite will still opened (ppl tell me de)... Dd was cold coz of the air-con there... not bathing... going to slp le... both of us tmr still got work... she wanted to take MC de bahz... maybe becoz i said i'm confirmed going to work so she went too... heard that she didn't had a gd time there today... was upset over someone with a position bahz... till we reached home didn't msg or talk lohz... i left at 7pm... coz nothing to do... coz it was gonna rain so i left at 7pm...if not i'll stay longer at the office bahz... go home oso nothing to do... i oso dun feel like sleeping... time now is 2350 hrs... still haven sleep yet... going to slp after i online bahz...finish typing these messages...<br />Dd feeling sick le bahz... maybe coz yesterday so long at the hospital, cold from the air-con and not enuff slp when she got home bahz... i oso slept for 4 hrs then go work le... but i'm used to sleeping less le coz of army... and being a nite-life person myself... i dun really need much sleep... far more less than what Dd needs bahz... she can sleep the whole day long de...when she with me... but i can't sleep a wink with her by my side... coz i will prefer to be doing things together with her rather than sleep... without talking or what... but anyway... my ulcer is coming back again... in my lips and under my tongue...can't really open my mouth and talked easily... should get to sleep early too...<br /><br />Time: 2234 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />Bb lottery gt strike? Haiz i stone at hm, my fever...<br /><br />Replied msg: Strike ibet...u sick then faster get to slp...drink more water...tmr then c gt better or nt...<br /><br />A new fren messaged me these messages today... very interesting and learn new things bahz... from another virgo...<br />Time: 1718 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />It not i don wan to commit. It becoz i been hurt deeply before that y i don trust anymore true love, and moreover there won't be a nice guy that will love me.<br /><br />Time: 1732 hrs 02 Nov 2005<br />For my point: if a guy love me more than i love him, that is really unfair to him, coz i'm the one who recieve and he the one who give, i would rather choose the other way round. I rather myself get hurt than he do, i would like my partner to be happy, as long as he happy, i'm happy too.<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 3rd November 2005<br /><br />Time: 1142 hrs 03 Nov 2005<br />Bb i wake up le... Watch movie later?<br /><br />Replied msg: No movie to watch leh... u feeling better?<br /><br />Time: 1148 hrs 03 Nov 2005<br />Body still very still.. Hehe bb strike 4d! Y no movie 2watch...I go wash up 1st...Watcha doing. Gt eat?<br /><br />Replied msg: Still? then u wana go cinema cold cold arz.. me still lying on d bed wid junior loh..haven qi lai eat yet.. later c wad movie u wana watch bahz if gt go left off... and dunno what the above is writing anymore.. so please dun take too much care about it.... anyway, when i get home from MRT... bathed.. and online.. saw Dd on MSN, yar again we didn't talked, until 1.40am+ bahz, then i messaged her, juz in case she "didn't" see me online, messaged her the stuffs i wanted to tell her, that's all... she said she was talking to Seok Yi a.k.a Da-Sao... and playing "Jewel" or something... yar... play with Da-Sao bahz... come to think of it, we also long time never play le... anyway, she asked if i wanted to join in their conversation... if she sees me.. well, she can add me de mahz... not wait until i tell her i wanna go off le coz we not toking then "Shun Bian" ask me... anyway i wun accept this type of invitation? de... if she wanted, she'll asked earlier le... yar, maybe she juz didn't saw me bahz... anyway i logged off and leaver her alone... she messaged me at 2.10am... after she offline and going to sleep bahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 17th November 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...d ciggy see hw many boxes u can hlp me take then take loh..bt dun wan 一条...thx... tell me again where u gg later bahz..haf a gd lunch and keep warm..<br /><br />Time: 1159 hrs 17 Nov 2005<br />Oh okie... Heez u muz tk care, i will sort 4u e ciggy =p e warranty card i din bring leh... Anything msg me yar. Hugz, eat more..<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd...u gone hm le ar? was waiting for ur msg.. erm..u miting me?<br /><br />When to met with her coz she didn't told me not meeting me mahz... waited for her around The Arcade building there, till 7pm... about 45 mins i waited bahz... then bought bubble tea for her to drink after that, we decided to go down Taka Kino's to eat lohz... thought eat free food but have to pay...haha... then late to go library lohz... erm... after that go kai kai around Orchard road looking at the lights and took a bus back to Chinatown CK there, then we walked back... yar... Tummy was noisy the whole nite, that little chatterbox... Sent her home le.. then i left for home too lohz... we're both looking forward for the Bangkok trip bahz.. told her to go Aust. study, she like very reluctant and hate the talk of it like that de...<br /><br />Got home, bathe, eaten... not much reply from her, except a cute alien face the first time... at least there weren't pure silence for tonite...talked alittle, asked alittle, kana scolded siao alittle and she grumbled alittle before offline... dunno whether will call me anotz... said to tell me something about her accts on the phone... now the time is 1.50 am le... she gotta be at work at 8.30am tml...so need lots of slp... me too... kept sleeping in the office at noon nowadays le... BTH... gd nitez...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 18th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 1901 hrs 18 Nov 2005<br />Bb wru?<br /><br />Replied msg: Im at tiong bahru le..<br /><br />Time: 2304 hrs 18 Nov 2005<br />Bb haf a gd rest on e way hm... Thx 4 e nite,hugz...<br /><br />Yesterday night have yet another weird dream, dreamt that i and fatty i think were at dd's void deck..she were tokin to us.. tellin wad to fatty i forgot..mayb explainin 2 him bout us. and she tell me she's nt gd or sumthing, and tell us that her essence is gone or something.. then fatty said dunno "kana ji", think he meant to say Dd is an empty shell le... (or dunno what hand lah).<br />I just walked out frm the shelter of the building and take my digicam to zoom in and take a photo of Wat Arun at the far end of a river juz when it starts to rain..d first pic i took had a car drivin past. so i want to take another picture without the car driving through.. so when i wanted to take another... i make sure no vecicle is passing through when i prepare to take another shot..<br />then i woke up le bahz...<br /><br />Went to meet Dd at Raffles Place after work.... went to a hawker opposite the California Fitness to have our dinner... after that wanted to bring Dd to a Jazz Pub de... but i think upon hearing the seats are couples favourite... she rejected bahz... dunno what's with her... then after that lie to the waiter that we're waiting for "Frenz, group of them to come first..." yar... rite... upon hearing that i know Dd dun wanna go le... anyway, even if she wanted to go... the waiter would've known we're lying... When we were walking to the Jazz Pub, i told her she was like walking a crimnal like that, holding my arm in her palms... then after that she changed lohz... change to pinky finger holding me... Diaoz<br />Anyway, dunno what the hell happened lah... walked around and around.. then her face like black oso... if she didn't wanna go its alrite? Then her face like oso not happy like that... then we went to Hans for a rest... said i wanted to go toilet... gave me the "Bu Suan" face... dunno what the hell is wrong with her lah...<br /><br />Frustrated? Bored? Not happy? Not happy of anything juz say lah... she'll only reply mei shi or what... so i didn't asked... she looks as if, those times when she's got a date and i'm in her way, delaying her from going her like that... so i said to accompanied her home lohz... Dunno lah... used to say she wants people to make decisions for her... or else say she's bored bored bored... no place to go... with me...<br />Then i make decisions and find place to go with her... she doesn't wanna go, make decisions for her, always wana counter them... is she juz trying to be funny and see how i'll react? Don't over react??? Me? Dunno what i should do then she'll be happy or what le lah... i know no matter how i try to be as perfect as can be... she's sick of me le lah... no use de..<br />Then her previous "bf" can make decisions for her and she'll gladly follow them... dunno what's it with her to me... think she's the one having heart problems with me..<br /><br />Then i accompanied her back... me walking fast? Or she walk slow... fast? fast meh? Compared to the time when she was angry with me... if i were to walk her speed... i'll be no where in sight for her le... dunno if she feels how i feel then... i dun think so.. think she thinking other things bahz... anyway reach Craig place there le... waited for her to cross the road lohz... i turned around and looked at her, she shook her head and continue with the Buay Song face...<br /><br />Then after that bought something, went NTUC for a round, ate Dou Hua and then went for a drink... not Tiger but, Coke Lime... then after that send her home le... kissed me on my cheeks as usual... when i tried to kiss her mouth, she didn't let me... but instead, gave me a peck on my mouth only lohz.. those mouth-no-open kind...<br /><br />Anyway, i was focusing on the wrong guy perhaps... louis... it should be the guy with the cute dog pics, eddie... seems like recently contacting Dd alot... yar... i got together with Dd coz of a cute cat pic... now that cute dog pic... ... ...<br />Hmm... and Dd used to tell me whatever was happening in her world de... but i think she stopped telling me her stories le bahz...<br /><br />Time: 0138 hrs 19 Nov 2005<br />Wan an bb =) rest well, anything call me kz.<br /><br />Think Dd not at home.. online as usual for hours liaoz...never msg me as usual...<br />Called her hp umpteen times, but she didn't picked up... where is she anyway? Where?<br />Checking it out... ciaoz<br /><br />Sent msg: Can u reply me wherever u are?<br /><br />Called about 10 over missed calls to her hp bahz... Messaged her countless times in MSN too... didn't hear anything from her... think i called her till about 1 hour or so from her last msg...<br />Called every 2mins or so to every 5-10 mins or so... finally till 3 am + bahz... saw her offline... then i tried calling her another few times... then she picked up, sounding like she was asleep... then asked her to call me so as not to waste her hp money... she called me lohz... then angrily said what i want... say she was asleep and i called and called and called and woke her up... i told her i was worried that she was angry with me or what... then say she online oso dun wanna msg me.. she said she offline liaoz... then after msg me straightaway went to sleep le... said i was like being so paranoid and checking up on her...<br /><br />Dunno what she's saying lah... then after that say maybe she let nene use her com when she didn't sign out or wad... but nene got use till 0255 hrs in the morning one meh? That was when i saw her offline and i called a few times before she picked up... exactly after her status on MSN was shown offlined... hmm... reprimand me for being paranoid and questioning her lohz... when i ask so is it she let nene use the PC... and ask me to listen to what i am saying... saying since i saw her online, she muz be at home... then still gotta ask her to call me... its becoz i dun wanna waste her hp money... and told her i'm sorry for waking her up then asked her go back to sleep... then she say can't sleep liao lahz... then quarrel alittle while before... i asked to put down lohz... then she said... "没有什么东西跟你讲了啦！放啦放啦。 好心你不要想这么多可以吗？Stop being paranoid..." yar... she finally said it herself... nothing to talk to me le... haiz...<br /><br />Then put down the phone and let her go to sleep lohz...<br />The next morning she called me about 2-3pm+, tell me morning and say sorry about what happened last nite lohz...say she anyhow throw temper again... the usual stuffs she always said after all have happened...<br />Told her not her fault... saying its my fault for waking her up.... then erm, ask ask take breakfast oredi or not lohz...those things... then say she later call me... she go roll awhile longer... after that i woke up, washed up and went to take breakfast... i didn't online... amybe she was online all this while... after my breakfast then i went online and saw her there oredi.. the same Eddie's Dog photo on her MSN... yar... she put it in her frendster also le... eddie, the fren of her bro's who waited her for 2 yrs...now i think 3 yrs le... Then after i online for awhile... she said she going to do facial... then say got anything msg her bahz... then she left le... after saying sorri bout last nite, darling... ... ... yar... going facial.... dun wanna think too much into things le lah.. asked oso no use le... if she, IF lah... if a person truly wana lie, it'll be very difficult for u to find out de...<br /><br />And juz to let her know... i really stopped asking le lohz... think she's a little paranoid like me too... always thinking that i'm questioning her... even though the things i asked can be asked by another normal fren of hers... think i give her this feeling le bahz... everytime i ask things is wana find out some things... haiz... gotta spend time, both of us... to change this perception... i really tone down alot le lohz... i didn't asked le... really... but still... i dunno what i can do then can please her... even if i try to be as perfect as i can be.... she'll still relate me to the old me... can't a person have a 2nd chance in her heart? If i really wanted to asked...i would've asked what exactly happen between her and fatty... and what is this eddie being doing recently? Chatting with him? Haiz... all this question will stay buried in my heart bahz... at least not in my mouth... i used to tell her everytime... that if she wants to tell me, she will... but seems like everytime i say that, she never tell me in the end de... i oso xi guan le... think we both xi guan's each other's pattern le bahz... yar... the only thing i can do now... is trust her... and hope she wun lie to me a third time.. till now.. its still alrite bahz... she's still not hiding anything from me.. except guys chasing her or her messages...<br /><br />Yup, i was thinking too much yesterday... thought she went out for a smoke, but y didn't bring her hp... and the things happening recently... thought the eddie went to find her at the void deck again.. or she went out chiong once again without telling me... coz she was telling me that MoMo has free entry till 2130 hrs... dunno which fren jio her bahz... haiz... maybe i'm a little paranoid too... but... its because of the trauma of seeing her going to Fatty's home that make me so paranoid... i'm really afraid she'll do that again... not to fatty's house... maybe others? I know i shouldn't think so much... i'm trying to le... and i was relieved when she called me from her place... but deep down inside, i know... how long can i stop her... she'll have another bf sometime later de... haiz...<br />I know i may not sound like i believe her or what... but everytime this type of things happen... its actually building up trust for me in her....<br /><br /><br /><br />Saturday 19th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 1925 hrs 19 Nov 2005<br />Bb i at ah mah's hse =p watcha doing?<br /><br />Replied msg: Nothing...<br /><br />Time: 2203 hrs 19 Nov 2005<br />Bb u wan2 go mu? =)<br /><br />Replied msg: Yar...i gg there..<br /><br />Time: 2209 hrs 19 Nov 2005<br />U meeting felicia?<br /><br />Replied msg: Yar...y?<br /><br />Time: 2238 hrs 19 Nov 2005<br />Orh den i c u there.. U reaching?<br /><br />Replied msg: U out of ur hse then tell me loh..we go together bahz...<br /><br />Sent msg: Im hm...<br /><br />Time: 0558 hrs 20 Nov 2005<br />Showered?? I reading harry potter...Heez. Honestly,i was at my ah mah's hse, 7.30-10pm no calls 4me though =)<br /><br />Sent msg: Awake? online? ur gastric feeling better le ma?<br /><br />Time: 1502 hrs 20 Nov 2005<br />Awake, nt online =) yeap i m alrite, juz kena woken up by my uncle saying 'play till morning den cum hm' haiz... U rem 2 eat kz.<br /><br />Dd told me in the afternoon about 3+ that she going to do facial... then i waited all the way till 7-8+pm... didn't hear from her, waited till roughly the facial should be over liaoz... guessed she went out with someone bahz... but in the end she told me she was going alone... that time in MSN also didn't tell me... coz i dun wana ask bahz... then i went down to Tanjong Pagar to eat and drink myself lohz... coz didn't get msg from Dd, thought she got her own plans... so i messaged Felicia asked if she's going down then i go down also lohz...<br /><br />Yar, Dd messaged me when she reach her ah-mah's hse... when i went Tanjong Pagar 2nd flr kopitiam, i saw her ah-mah.. then after that i went to drink... awhile later, saw her walking home... wearing her usual pink Tee and taking a big plastic bag... maybe someone give her some thing bahz... dunno whether she saw me or notz.. then after that she reach home le msg me ask me wana go mu or not... but i didn't see her going out... then the next i heard she's at the MRT station liaoz... told her to go together bahz... she oso didn't ask y i'm at tanjong pagar.. think she saw me bahz... Went MU lohz... danced till it closes... but Dd didn't dance much then sit there and sleep le... her uncle kim came and was worried for her.. i also dunno what happened to her... till she 'woke' up then i asked if she's stomach pain... she nodded.. all the while she was sleeping i was dancing behind her... coz lots of guys walked behind her mahz... scare she kana touched... i danced behind her, but didn't touched her lah... Then i took ice water with straw for her lohz... as she finished two cups of water... towards the end then she felt better then she came to dance... then after that MU closes liaoz...then we walked Felicia out before going 7-11 to buy drinks and food...<br /><br />She told me on the way to 7-11 that my ice water 'saved' her... said she only had laska the whole day only... during breakfast.. her gastric pain... then went 7-11 to get sandwiches... said she was cold all the way in MU... but she didn't tell me... if not i can hug her mahz... silly ger...<br />Went to drink and eat... then after that take cab... my box of ciggy finished le...her one still got alot... dun wana give me some... hrmph... in MU also dunno who take whose box one... i also dun wana be petty and quarrel with her over a box of ciggy lah... took one from her onli lohz... she oredi complaining.. all someone's fault for raising the price of the ciggys... then sent her back to her home.. no kisses as usual... haiz... i didn't kiss her too.. can i? She'll juz avoid me...<br /><br />Then i went home and bathed... head was hurting like hell... and body felt very cold..wanted to vomit... i believe that is hangover bahz... then i called her lohz... her hair not dry yet... oh yar... when she eating the sandwiches outside 7-11 there... she said she wanted to go home early..coz this few weeks her uncle complain her of going home late every weekend le... nagged her liaoz..<br />but only for weekends leh... at least now, she never weekdays oso late late go home... and i asked her where she went with and why i didn't msg her lohz... coz i thought she out with ppl mahz... she said she left her ah-mah's place at 10pm.. hmm... but i saw her ah-mah leh... think when she left, her ah-mah not at home le...<br />Called her and told her my head pain pain lohz... she said is it ciggy too much le... then i said i wished she was here with me... so her warm warm body can warm my very cold body rite now... despite i'm hiding under my blanket... really missed hugging her warm body to sleep.. haiz... then after that, she told me go slp le... then i control my headache and try to sleep lohz... didn't set alarm and missed my MMPR show...<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 20th November 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u wana go out? go harvey norman or library..after i bring u go eat..late late liaoz..<br /><br />Messaged her about 4-5+pm.. she didn't reply so i waited till 6pm then i called her... thought she was asleep, so i didn't wait till i hear her voicemail music then i hang up le... yar... her voicemail changed again.. haven't seen anyone constantly changing voicemail le... She called back awhile later... then told me she didn't saw my msg, and said she's not sleeping, coz i hear the background she's outside liaoz... Then asked her where she's going, she thought for awhile before stammering and said going with auntie and bf... or sumthing.. then i say, "pian ren"... and that was the catalyst that made her blow her top again... coz wad she said sounded like a temporarily thought of answer, so i joking;y said that like how she always said in a cute voice... maybe my voice wasn't cute enough bahz.. she told me i didn't sound as if i was juz joking lohz.. and it would helped if after that i sensed she's angry and said that i was only joking...<br /><br />She then again reprimanded me, saying if i didn't believe then dun ask, next time... said i've been like that for 3 days in a row le... friday was like that... yesterday at MU she said i whole nite give her the FACE... said i purposely show her that sickening face of mine that never smile... i didn't look at her, is because i didn't want her to say/feel that i'm WATCHING her again... or whatever she feels/think that i'm doing which i'm NOT... dunno is she paranoid or i'm the one... no matter what i do or say, its juz wrong... like how she feels bahz... said: “不知道为什么，你便得不爱笑了。” And she told me she wasn't feeling any better this whole day from yesterday's gastric, and tell me why i have to go and spoil her mood by calling her and asking/telling her all this bullshit... she then tell me is it that i'll be happy after i spoiled her mood for the day and juz take off juz like that... after questioning her, accusing her of lying to me and then say its all juz a joke and stuff... that's what she told me... she started to scold and cursed softly though... vulgarities of course... she said she's stressed at work and stuffs like she's not feeling well and she dun want to vent her stress and anger on me..<br /><br />Told me that we had no where to go... whereever she's with me its either to walk around aimlessly or do NOTHING... she herself told me she doesn't mind walking coz it serves as a form of exercise too.. sometimes i wonder, do i really understand her? Or do i understand gers? Yup, said all those hurting stuffs... yar... its not like i didn't think of places to bring her... like friday.. she was saying... saying that i show her my black face the whole nite... i'm always trying to plan ahead and think of new places to bring her to.. but everytime i do that... its either she doesn't like my idea or she's against the choice of place i bring her for makan... not that i dun wanna decide for her... and its always me thinking of places to go.. and if she's not happy with my plans she'll think of where she wanna go then i'll follow hers lohz... coz i'm fine with anything mahz... the one whose REALLY fine with anything...<br /><br />Throughout my journey around Singapore today, i thought of the answer... its not that i've no places to bring her to... yar, i may be the world's most boring person to go out with... but i guessed the real reason ain't coz i got no place to bring u to... or nothing to talk to you, or can't decide where i wanna bring u to, or the places i bring u to are juz too boring... i think the real answer is the person you're with Dd... if you're happy being with this person... even the guy who brings you with his stupid idea like for example going to a multi-storey carpark on lanterng festival to see the full moon, you'll feel romantic... what i'm trying to say is that you're sick and tired of me le... that's why no matter how many new places i thought of and bring u to... you wouldn't want to try it out... or stay with me... and that's the truth i guess bahz... not no place to go to, but actually who the person you're with, is the real difference bahz...<br /><br />Yup, went round Singapore today as usual.. ending up at Tanjong Pagar's BK before it closes... ate my late late dinner and after that went to take bus lohz... at 2313 hrs then Dd called me with her house phone.. by that time i was already waiting for the bus #190... yup, reached home in time to catch the remaining hour of the date with a vampire. After that went to bathe lohz and online... Dd's personal message was to me bahz... "-some people are juz not worth ur trust" saying that she's not worth my trust? Cause i kept asking and questioning... yar, maybe i went overboard in the evening juz now... but sometimes, normal question like when i meet her in the evening and i asked her what she do the whole afternoon and with who.. this type of small talk, she'll feel offended too... Guessed i've poison her heart and mind le bahz... no way back? I dunno... Just that our relationship is very tense bahz... juz a single spark could ignite and burn us up... haiz.. dunno why it ended up this way... Guessed she feels as if i'm controlling her and like she said on the phone, every weekend she have to see my 'Lian Se'... haiz... like she owed me like that...<br /><br />Time: 0143 hrs 21 Nov 2005 98552440<br />Call me at dis number... Jovial<br /><br />After the show and after i saw her online, which shortly she went off...after seeing me bahz... she messaged me... i called her twice but no one picked up... i guessed she probably messaged the wrong person so i stopped calling... after two calls .. the second one looking at the numbers that i've keyed fearing that i dialled the wrong number the first time...<br />After that she missed called me with her phone and then said she didn't hear the phone ring and told me to call again... told me this is nene's phone and that she's using the internet and the phone... background couldn't tell that she was home or not... anyway, i didn't asked... didn't even asked where she went with her aunt... she didn't want me to ask anyway what... so i juz kept my mouth shut... She asked me what i ate loh...then asked is it i went to her place to eat BK..and went drinking at her place again... I went to eat BK only... didn't went to drink...although i wished i did.. then i would've seen her bahz... but anyway... we got no fate that's why when i left her place liaoz then she called me... miscalled me i mean...<br /><br />She was constantly sneezing in... think she caught a cold outside le bahz... told me her place is raining... when i reached home my palce the floor was wet like juz after a rain...Anyway... she oredi told me very clearly, told me to look for my frenz to go out today.. and kinda hint me that she dun wanna see me so often... so i get the idea... i wun see her or asked her out again bahz... except our movie on thursday and next week when we go Bangkok bahz... wanted to remain in my morning shift next week coz i was hoping i could see more of Dd, before i go Bangkok, can go library see and plan where to go on our trip and maybe packed our luggage together... becoz the week after next, the week where we'll be going to Bangkok, i'll be working on afternoon shift...so i won't have the chance to see her till when i meet her to go Airport bahz... Anyway... these few days kept on quarrelling and making her mad has made me realised..as well as seeing today's episode of Date With Vampire, that love can't be forced... it'll make both of us unhappy only... i know you'll find back ur old self and ur smiles again without me...<br /><br />Although i dunno where the love we once shared has gone to le... but i promised to make the trip to Bangkok a happy one for you... hopefully... will try to smile and be happy when i'm with u de... so it wun affect your mood... Haiz... i know... you won't wanna see me again after the trip le... and i dunno whether i could go with you to another so-called "honeymoon" trip again anotz... yar... got alot of countries i wanna go to.. and i want you to go with me.. by my side...<br /><br />After the trip, starting next year... i wun bother you again le... unless there's a need to... i know these few days... its i who kept on bugging you and asking you out... coz you've oredi stopped asking me out le...so i'll try to restrain myself from asking you out almost everyday de... coz recently fri and mon, my mum didn't cook dinner... and i juz wan someone to accompany me for dinner only... and i know your uncle dun wan u to go out late nowadays... although its fine for you to go out with your aunt... Yar... my mum didn't cook...its true, but not a good excuse too also... i admit i'm afraid that you'll lie to me again and have a bf without telling me... i'm doing all those idiotic things coz i'm afraid to be lied to a third time... afraid that i could stopped trusting you totally le... i dun wan that to happen... but at the same time i know that, i couldn't stopped it even if it does happen... rite? Trust is building once again.. and i know i have to let you go sooner or later.... dun let it break again can? And i feel like Yaochi..<br />Dd... i knoe you have already stopped loving me le... 毕竟, its already been 6 months+ since we... ... ...separated and went back to frenz... but all this while... i still love you... and i know... that the paranoia and possession craze of mine is going off the chart... but i will keep it in tact... juz... juz... dun lie to me ok? Whether good or bad... juz tell me the truth kz? Dun be stressed or what... or feel that i dun trust ur words, making you feel bad or stressed or mentally drained.. if you're telling the truth all the while.... one fine day, i'll stopped questioning and believe u.. that is when my trust in you will have been formed again... And if you've started on a new relationship, would you let me know? ... ... ... =/ ... thx for bearing with me all this while... thank you for forgiving me and not being angry with me for so long all the time... Will try not to think so much de... although the trauma of that heart-wrenching heavy rained day is already scarred deep in my heart le... but somehow... wounds will heal bahz... someday...<br /><br />Sent msg: Slp tight and cover blanket...keep warmz and get well soon..hug ur black bear if ur cold bahz.. sugar sweet dreamz, Hugz.<br /><br /><br /><br />Monday 21st November 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Hope its nt raining at ur side le.. hope ur feeling better..keep warmz...<br /><br />Time: 0822 hrs 21 Nov 2005<br />Bb zao an..Me juz gt up!! U keep warm yar =p hugz<br /><br />Met Dd after work... wanted to go highlight my hair de...but Dd worked too late... in the end... went Suntec, Millenia Walk and Marina Square to makan, see Harvey Norman and then went back lohz.. made Dd laugh alot and she made me laugh too... =)<br />She doesn't know our trip to Bangkok is next Wednesday...<br />Walked her to the City Hall bus stop and waited for the bus with her... said dun need to send her back...but i did anyway... like Dd gt a face of disappointment everytime she gives in to me sending her back... saying okok, let u send me back, if not i anyhow think again...<br />So in the end, i still send her home bahz...<br /><br /><br />Tuesday 22th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 2049 hrs 22 Nov 2005<br />U can borrow books? Need my card?<br /><br />Sent msg: nvm dun need. i no books to borrow.<br /><br />It was raining for the whole day, met Dd after work... went to bugis for MOS Burger corn soup... all was alrite at first till... haiz... i made her angry again... but its really everytime when she sit directly opposite me, she'll cover leh... make me feel uneasy bahz... if we're not sitting face to face like a round table or square table...she wun cover... haiz... dunno what i did to make Dd fear me so much... feel so bad bahz... wonder if she thinks i'm a pervert... that's why she wun let me kiss her lips till now... sigh... dunno lah...only Dd knows the answer bahz... sometimes i try to speak into her ear or stand close to her... she'll shrug away from me de... Haiz... hear pain everytime she does that...i also dunno what's wrong...<br /><br />Anyway, her face turned blacked and after eating... we left and she sped off like Fash... didn't catch up with her, coz not the first time she do that le.. practically was like running... dunno where she went... went to look for her at Bugis...then she called and said go home bahz... then i tell her if she wana go back then go home lohz... after that i take a slow walk myself to the library we agreed to go today de... thought she really went home le... guessed her temper is still as bad as ever, and she doesn't cares about anything when she's angry... but... something surprise me... i was wrong...<br /><br />I met her at the Central Library... looking at books like me too... but the moment she saw me...she turned and left... i continue to read some books before going to find her and apologize.. i know she'll say things like, say liao then apologize got wad use... spoil her mood and stuffs, i oso feel like that too... she fired her temper then in the end say sorry oso got what use...<br />She replied me, xi guan le.. that was how i feel too, when i walked to the library.. she always angry angry oso sped off without turning back to see where was i, or stopped a moment to relaxed and cool down... After that at 9pm when the library closed... she called me and we met outside the library then went to have dinner together...<br /><br />After dinner, we walked to Raffles City for a walk then took a bus back to Chinatown to buy herbal tea and later send Dd back.... dunno why she kept asking me not to send her home... when its no trouble to me at all and i'm not tired like she say i am... Anway, send her up to her place then i left le lohz... still no kisses on the lips.... i know i shouldn't ask for more... juz udn wana quarrel anymore le... hope it doesn't rain and we dun quarrel in Bangkok and hope we enjoy the "honeymoon II" together bahz... coz maybe after that starting from next year... i would see lesser of her le bahz.. anway, she oso dun love me le... rite now, all that have happened is juz sympathy bahz...<br /><br />Tired le.. Dd online as usual everynite toking till 2am.. haiz.... gd nitez.. tired and cold... no Dd for me to hug like how she said on MSN in her office... sigh, disappointed.<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 23rd November 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Hope u din get caught in the rain. keep warm in office kz? lots of hugz..<br /><br />Time: 0927 hrs 23 Nov 2005<br />Bb i juz gt in 2 office =p hahaz late! Wanna slp le... U had nite slp?<br /><br />Replied msg: Yup..had a cold nitez slp.. =p<br /><br />Time: 1835 hrs 23 Nov 2005<br />Bb i have transfer 200bucks 2 ur acct, scare u nt enuff 2use... Rem 2 check kz,hugz hugz<br /><br /><br /><br />Time: 1843 hrs 23 Nov 2005<br />So nw me still owe bb 350 bucks 4 e trip... Heez =p ok lahz,haf a gd rest... U hm le mah? Tk care on d way hm kz..<br /><br />Replied msg: Ok...slowly return, no hurry...kz? abit later then i head hm le.. hugz..take care..<br /><br />Dd went to meet ah-yek and penny tonite... she say de... penny the Ops Manager.... think they go talk about work...although Dd say dun mind if i wanna go along... but i nvr go.... tired... and i dun wana let DD have the impression i wanna meet her everyday whatz...and what's more... i'm starting to trust the words that she say le... She said she'll call me once she reached home... time is 2140 hrs though... still waiting for her call... very tired and drowsy le... gonna go slp soon...<br />Yup, tml watching "Heli-copter" the goblet of fire with Dd... =) at least she still remembers....kekez...<br /><br />Time: 0053 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Bb watcha doing? Online?<br /><br />Replied msg: nahz..juz nw slp slp lohz... juz came hm ar?late slp again..<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 24th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 1809 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Bb wru le?<br /><br />Replied msg: rching in another 2 stops.. c u at d control..<br /><br />Time: 1818 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Crossing d road... Heez<br /><br />Time: 2255 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />I m hm! Heez =p<br /><br />Replied msg: Y dun missed me? then dun nid waste an sms...?<br /><br />Time: 2258 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Orh ok ok, i juz watch yummy yummy ending...<br /><br />Replied msg: call me bahz ;p<br /><br />Time: 2259 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Ok nvm u dun trust dat i had gt hm...<br /><br />Replied msg: No lah... i rememeber i wanted to ask u if u transfer to my uob acct. Coz i thot u transfer my posb acct mahz... scare me, thot u key wrong num.<br /><br />Time: 2311 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Yeap i put in2 uob bank acct...<br /><br />Time: 2344 hrs 24 Nov 2005<br />Bb i bue tahan le, gonna slp liao... U rest early kz..Nitez<br /><br />Replied msg: So early arz...nitez... ... ...<br /><br />Went down to meet Dd, reach alittle off 6pm bahz... haven reach Dd oredi asked me where i am le... reach le.. called her, she msg me crossing road... 20 mins later then she appeared... heard she crossed 2 roads... for 20 mins sia... dunno lah... she dun wanna tell me what happen, i nothing to say...<br /><br />Then walked towards Suntec to watch Helicopter lohz... the goblet of fire... started on the dot... told me her good news is, Joyce is back... 2nd gd news is ah-yek going to Bangkok same date as us too... she want to meet her for dinner there...and the ops manager penny... wasn't close at all... dunno why..everytime meet her like have to restart with her like that.. get close and warm up with her.... dunno why is that so anymore le lah... always need to start up...<br /><br />After the movie went to Marche and eat lohz... asked who the Daddy in her hp was... some guy drive sports car and gt son le she said... but never tell me the name and i never asked oso.... know when to retreat le bahz... then while eating at Marche... and waiting for his Adrain to come exchange the ciggy lohz... then after eating, go exchange ciggys then went back le...<br />Didn't talk all the way through CityLink... I WAS the only one to tok... haiz...<br />Asked her wanan go Sitex tml or sat... she said tml cannot...got appt with her oub hair stylist to redo her hair... conveniently ask me wanan go anotz lohz... i think is i asked how abt my hair... but gt feeling she doesn't wanna see me for so many days le lah...<br /><br />Already seeing me for 8 mths continuously... now still continue... sianz liaoz bahz... yar... i didn't talk much on the way to the bus-stop... where she said the same thing... yar... everytime we go out is do the same things say the same things... not me though... the one whose complaining of boring is doing it... i knew she'll say that... so say with her at the same time lohz... then let her go back herself.. haiz... she got nothing to talk to me le... except for the same old routine stuffs... like eat oredi, keep warm, rem to eat, be careful on the way home etc...<br /><br />On the way back, i thought lohz... can see now that she got nothing to say to me le... not like last time...but i oso dun wana tell her that... we both know ourselves can le... i dun need to always say in front of her oso... juz like she said it herself when she was mad at me... told me she gt nothing more to say to/with me le... sigh...<br />Starting to feel what am i le... starting to feel that the journey is long too... Dd, its not that i dun trust u... really... i juz need u to bear with me for a while longer... my trust is building for u le... really its really building le... but... whether to break this last chance of trust is up to u le bahz...<br />But, even if i gained back the trust...what's the use... i noe i've been alittle out of sorts lately... way out bahz... paranoid, petty, jealous... all i'm full of it, alittle crazy le bahz... or going to be...<br />But knowing that there's no way we can be back together again like last time... frightens me with 6 days left before going Bangkok together... will it be a happy trip?<br /><br />How i feel for u, u know... but will u feel for me again? Can u feel urself how u feel inside for me? These questions ran through my mind each and every single day... but... being with u... always let me feel that, there's no more love from you to me anymore le... there seems to be an unseen barrier blocking us... preventing u to truly relaxed with me? Open ur heart out to me? Just what is it? What is it? We're emotionally tired from the quarrels everytime le bahz.. which makes us so paranoid at times over each other's words... or questions maybe... we're oredi 'xi guan' of each others pattern and stuffs le... guess the question left to ask is... do i wanna start loving him again? Or do i still feel for him? Dunno lah... feeling drowsy le.. time to go to sleep...<br /><br />That's all for today... continue tml bahz... or once i remember my thoughts...of the day...<br /><br /><br /><br />Friday 26th November 2005<br /><br />... ... ... It's Friday again... should be relieved i guess... that i dun have to worry where to go every weekend le... juz longing for each weekend to be with that someone special... Met Dd again today... went to the Hair Salon, but Dd never liase with the guy actually... so we couldn't do our hair today... made the appt. to be tomorrow... Dd seem bigger than before today... real big... even she herself told me she feels that she looked different seeing herself in the mirror.... Her figure was absoultely fabulous... yar... all guys glanced more than 5 seconds when she walked past... juz that she didn't notice or she didn't wana talk about it.... i'm sure she knows...<br /><br />In the end went to makan at Lau Pa Sa, at there i took Dd's hp from her and see her msg... saw her Sergius messaging her stuffs, about their quarrels bahz.. and taking care of his son... make sense, since they slept together le... haiz... then Dd told me what i'm looking at... let me look, but i didn't... yar... i was curious what exactly happened... but... not that i'm afraid of Dd or what... and not afraid of her giving me the disappointed look if i continue to see... juz the words of, even if i saw her messages, knew exactly what happened... so what? Correct? All have been done... there's no way i could change a single thing... and there's no way i could ever bring her to love me like she did... juz the words of "What's the use" kept ringing in my head which made me returned her the phone....<br /><br /><br />... didn't know what i say... that made Dd sianz 1/2 then at first wanted to go see Spectacles de... in the end, never go... after makan, then made our way to Amara de NTUC club there instead of Indochine.. When we were at the queue, the specky guy in front of us with a gal, turned around and looked at Dd from head to toe, trice... before coming here, we went to the tailor also passed by coffeeshops as uncles and ah-peks eyes nearly pop out looking at Dd, only i didn't held her hand, if not i think i'll be the most fortunate guy they thought to be tonite... but even if i did held her hand, there is more than meets the eye... outsiders wun know what is happening between us...as i started to feel alittle inferior too, feel that i dun suit Dd at all bahz... and Dd deserved better, to be with a good handsome and rich guy and have a blessed, lucky and blissful life in the future, one she didn't had when she was young... the NTUC club was too expansive, then we went to 37 the bar, then in the end... end up at BAR... where we had our topshell the other time.. for a glass of red wine and Erdinger for me..<br /><br />We sat there to drink lohz.. seems that i'm the only person talking... anyway... starting to feel weary of the trip le... dunno what will happen... but i came to understand with each passing day that.... Dd would never love me again... things can't be like how they were before... becoz maybe, Dd juz can't bring herself to love me again... But... although our trip this year to Bangkok is juz as "Frenz"... will try to make it as happy as i can for Dd and me... ... ... after that... i dunno when i'll see her again... i really dun... should i leave? I know she wun come back for me, wun come looking for me, she wun even start to talk to me first in MSN now le... in conversation, on the phone... ... ... i'm the one starting all the talks... she juz... ... ... juz listens... And i forbid Tummy to come out today... so of course it was exceptionally quiet... since she wun talk to me thru Tummy anymore le... if i dun bother or cang zhe Dd... i'm sure she wun mind too... she'll juz let it be... and in the end... maybe everything will be gone by then le bahz... juz the matter of should i disappear or not... am i avoiding her on purpose? Am i doing things to get her attention? Am i hanging on to a dream that will never ever come true? sigh...<br /><br />Just take one step at a time and not think too much about the "Hou Guo" bahz... will try to cheer up these few days... udnno why i'm starting to feel moody as the days count down to Bangkok... am i worried what we'll do there? Or am i worred what will happen after we come back.. haiz... shouldn't think so much bahz... since Dd is not thinking anything about relationship anymore le... let her be bahz.. do what she wants... be with who she wants to be... ... ... etc.<br /><br />Drowsiness is here again... continue tomorrow bahz.. talk with her on nene's hp... first thing is asked if i'm alrite anotz... meeting her at 1345 hrs after topping up her account at BBDDC, asked her what to do after we hightlite our hair... she say go home lohz... and meet joyce.... then at last then ask me, wanna come along?<br />Dunno lah... going to sleep le... gd nitez...<br /><br />Dream: Dreamt that i and Dd went out then went coffee club, her manager guy fren ask her to return to work for him.. wid promotion and increment bahz... and she nodded... then i appeared at the store as the guy was trying to explain their stores put where and stuffs... till the time was 5.25 then saw yisheng, my old secondary school fren. I was trying for a part-time job bahz... then yisheng brought alot of ptimers to come interview... i din get d job, the ptimer shoot me saying he got experience and i dun have, who would want to hire me... a tall guy, the other was an uncle... Yisheng crack a joke and made everyone laugh including Dd, only i didn't laugh...<br /><br />Then next i was in the van with Lee... he was driving and blasting Jay Chou's intial D song... then met zhen and company at Bugis... Ting had golden long hair... dunno why, zhen passed Lee some Thai Baht.. then it started to rain le... i asked them to quickly take shelter then we left le...<br /><br />That was when i woke up, remembered clearly what i dreamt a second ago and immediately key into my hp... maybe the dream was trying to tell me something from the Future? Anyway the Jay Chou's Initial D song that i heard would be played again a day later when someone let me listen her mp3...<br /><br />Saturday 26th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 1134 hrs 26 Nov 2005<br />Bb, u wan2 go 2 e salon at 1.30pm, let him do ur hair first... I rch at 2pm den he can start on mine... Can?<br /><br />Replied msg: K..but i duno i go dwn wad time le..tot u could c d colour for me.kz loh..he call u ar? then i go dwn 130.<br /><br />Time: 1138 hrs 26 Nov 2005<br />No lah... Den nvm we do as 2pm as fixed, nahz i was juz thinking we can't do it 2gether mah =) heez. Cya later!<br /><br />Time: 1327 hrs 26 Nov 2005<br />Ic no. Pls!<br /><br />Replied msg: ....S8239945C....<br /><br />Time: 2213 hrs 26 Nov 2005<br />Bb i nt feeling well... U wan2 go down n meet felicia?<br /><br />Sent msg: Rest well... take careanything msg me kz?<br /><br />Sent msg: r u aslp? if nt can cal me?<br /><br /><br />Time: 0718 hrs 27 Nov 2005<br />I wake up le bb... Njoyed urself last nite =)<br /><br />Replied msg: ...u feeling better? rest at hm straight ar? so early wake up.. haiz..yest no gd.. drunk drunk..she left without saying..<br /><br />Time: 1051 hrs 27 Nov 2005<br />...u feeling better? rest at hm straight ar? so early wake up.. haiz..yest no gd.. drunk drunk..she left without saying.. -rest at home str? I dun look sick har<br /><br />Replied msg: U do.. i mean stay hm rest le gt feel better ma?<br /><br />Met Dd go hightlite hair for Free de... after that oredi evening... went down straight to meet joy... then chatted a while, walked till evening bahz... Then when to Dd's hse waited for her to bathe and changed...but she messaged me she not going le.... i took the skirt up to her... then left to meet fel at MU lohz... bad nite... drank two bottles of red wine plus before that bottle of Tiger = vomit... squatted at toilet for very long bahz... when i came out..saw fel take her bag and follow a fat guy away le... why muz it always be the fat one? Then i went outside too loh, since she took her bag from the locker le... forget my ciggy still inside... didn't catch up with her... think she left in a car or what bahz... i didn't care, juz walked towards the traffic light... staggering... then saw my bus oredi there... so i board it... K.O till CCK station... til the bus driver woke me up.... really wasted siaz... lucky Dd wasn't with me... if not i couldn't look after her at my state le... think she resting at home bahz... maybe her uncle not happy she go out... every saturday nite till late late..<br /><br />Wanted to stagger back home from CCK de... after looking for the bus which i alighted to get back my ciggy... going around every bus and pressing their door open button and going inside to check it myself... the walk was long.... but lucky i hear the sounds of LRT as i sat the morning LRT alone, at 5.30 am i remember... back to my place... rush back to shit... bathe drowsily... then collaspe on the bed le...<br /><br /><br /><br />Sunday 27th November 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Deardear..i make my way dwn expo le ar..anything call me bahz.. dui bu qi.. 不要生Bb的气了。<br /><br />Time: 1900 hrs 27 Nov 2005<br />Bb if u realli think e 75bucks one is nice juz buy, u might b surprise dat my mum is smarter den me when it cums 2 electronic stuff.. U wan2 join us =p<br /><br />Replied msg: Tell me where u all r loh..then i go find u..<br /><br />Time: 1946 hrs 27 Nov 2005<br />At paragon, we toking bout work things... Heez<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd, i'm home le... u muz be sleeping le... hope tummy is feeling better. Gd nitez and sweet dreamz. Muackz and hugz. 2 more days =p<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 29th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 0813 hrs 29 Nov 2005<br />虽 然没有时间见面 我一颗心都在想你 让我看看你的脸 你看来很好，那我就放心了。<br /><br />Replied msg: 10 wAyS tO bE hApPy & cHeErFuL.. TiNk Of: ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ ME+ &amp; ONLY ME! Gd morning !<br /><br />Time: 0816 hrs 29 Nov 2005 Bb u din slp last nite?<br /><br />Was waiting for my Big Sis to finish using the computer... but she didn't wake me up so i nvr went online to see Dd... She met joy at 7+pm today according to her... then Joy went to her place give Dd dye her hair le.. after that dunno where she went bahz.. she missed called me at home at 2334 hrs... when she reached her ah-ma's hse was 2100+ hrs like dat... Tomorrow work morning shift then at nite go airport le.... dunno how Dd's feeling... hope can have a wonderful and relaxing time with her at Bangkok... Dd i love you... still... really...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd u hm yet? buzy ar?<br /><br /><br /><br />Wednesday 30th November 2005<br /><br />Time: 1615 hrs 30 Nov 2005<br />Do bring e charger bb heez =p me nw in meeting... Later me call u kz...<br /><br />Time: 1848 hrs 30 Nov 2005<br />Gt no. 2buy?<br /><br />Replied msg: Buy all le dear..any num. u tink of..u buy loh.. then wad time i mit u?<br /><br />Time: 1857 hrs 30 Nov 2005<br />My aunt sending us there =) heez u wun haf 2 rush...<br /><br />Time: 1901 hrs 30 Nov 2005<br />U taking cab down har? Anthing 7.45pm?<br /><br />Time: 2020 hrs 30 Nov 2005<br />Aiyo y u din call her...<br /><br />Sent msg: Im hm... overall enjoyed our 2nd "honeymoon"...although may nt seem to u... i understand tat u wana b single nw... mmm... i still love u... always has been... same same ;p Muackz... for u i'll always wait...<br /><br />Sent msg: Dd..u can forward the msg i juz sent u back to me? thx<br /><br />Time: 2142 hrs 04 Dec 2005<br />Im hm... overall enjoyed our 2nd "honeymoon"...although may nt seem to u... i understand tat u wana b single nw... mmm... i still love u... always has been... same same ;p Muackz... for u i'll always wait...<br /><br />Time: 1907 hrs 05 Dec 2005<br />Wo lai le -.- got star in my eyes liaoz! Haha! Bb wru?<br /><br />Sent msg: U wan can call my hp...<br /><br />Time: 0004 hrs 06 Dec 2005<br />生 日快乐 2 chao ta bunz BB! may all ur dreamz and wishes come true. Tk gd care n hugz &kisses..Sweetest bdae for little bunny! muackz~!<br /><br />Went to Bangkok with Dear Dear...<br /><br /><br /><br />Tuesday 6th December 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: Thx for d nite again deardear...looking at the photos bring back sweet memories. Really hope we could be like when we were at Bangkok the 1st time. Love u my one and only Dd. Muackz.<br /><br />Dd brought me to Petals... to eat... have a birthday cake specially for me too... then we went to Singapore River there to sit and chat... Coz she didn't wanna go to Cosy to Relaxed with me... say i think of hotel all the time onli... haiz... Said Saturday then go my place bahz... IF yi-ma never come... Don't know whether she'll come or not... Can't choose where i wanna go even on my birthday... then send her back home... asked me to wait for 5-10 mins... in the end took longer than that bahz... Gave the photo album that i bought for her to put our Bangkok photos in de... that time when we went out with little pika... Saw the photos of us in Bangkok last year.. so young that time... now... look at us... war-torn... and tattered... Really wished we could go back to how happy we were... will she give me a chance? Saying on the phone that morning at 1:34am that she didn't know how to reply to my msg that's why she didn't reply anymore le... yup... Dd seems afraid of me... said that she dun like me to Yin Yin Lai... then i say Ruan Ruan Lai... can? She oso say can't...haiz... the reasons i took those photos is for a rememberance... coz... i dunno when Dd will leave me alone behind and carry on ahead... that time will come... but i dunno when... so i treasure every second with her... maybe that's why it will seem like i'm crazily pervertic or have a strange hobby bahz...<br /><br /><br /><br />Thursday 8th December 2005<br /><br />Sent msg: u aslp le bah? rch hm din call me...mmm...<br /><br />Sent msg: ...duno wad happened yest bahz..duno y u dun wana reply me..everything alrite? ...morning..its raining i guess, hope u din get caught in the rain.<br /><br />She told me she was going with Nene, ScratchScratch and Viven aunt for a treat... since she's back... she told me i got anything can call her hp... asked if i worrried that she anyhow run or what, say can ask viven to call me de... haiz... then i let her go lohz...coz i really believed her... told her to call me when she's home... didn't even get a missed call... guessed her stomach was really really pain that she couldn't even think or key my numbers bahz... Can't really sleep well the whole nite... believed that she had went to slp oredi and forget to call me as usual... missed called her oso never reply...coz 1.30am le... didn't wanna call and call and wake her up like the other time... but i juz dun get it, even if she's sick... one call can put me in peace... but why didn't she remember to call? Really forget? Or too sick? She didn't go to work the next day...<br /><br />Messaged her and called her then she returned the call about 11.04 pm... told me she was sick but yet din want me to bring her to a doc...said she could go herself... i cleaned my room last nite...waiting for her to come on Sat and our KTV tml... while i was cleaning... i had a feeling that something will crop up at one of this days... coz everytime i look forward to a day with her... she would either get sick... or something would crop up like headache or what... but mostly its sickness... then my plans would be cancelled.... Imagine... always looking forward to something then in the end being cancelled... i guessed this is my retribution bahz...making her feel the same way... but its not i want to de... juz that she doesn't have enough patience to work it out with me together... ... ...<br /><br />She said to call her anytime at her house... i trust he